Listen to Mom or listen to love?

skeptikchick

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and living together for one. Our relationship couldn't be better, we love each other more than anything, and are supportive of each other in every way. Both of us are convinced that we are a perfect fit for each other, and we are basically on the same page about everything, until about 2 weeks ago that is. He got a call from his Mom, and she was telling him how excited she was about coming out to visit him this summer. Instead of being excited about the visit as well, he has completely turned into this walkig talking poster boy of GUILT. He now wants to move out, though financially he knows he can't afford to, and I can't afford for him to move out either...our relationship's future is now in question, along with the status of our relationship now. I know he loves me with all his heart, and I love him just as much, and I know none of this would even be an issue if his Mother weren't coming out to visit, it actually is not even an issue when he goes home to visit her. He is happy with his life, and he knows that for the first time, in years, he has had direction in life in terms of ambitions and goals, and he credits that to me. I don't want to force him out of his religion, I know that is a personal decision... but I do want him to see that the way he is living if life now is not wrong, and he shouldn't have a guilty conscience just because he is not as hard-core a JW as his Mom would like him to be. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance for listening and helping

jeanniebeanz

Welcome to the forum, Skeptic.

You've got a major problem here. Your man is still too tied to his past to have a meaningful relationship if he can go from "we love each other more than anything, and are supportive of each other in every way" to "He now wants to move out" over one phone call and visit from Mommy. Please take this as a sign and do not tie your future to someone who cannot even take a stand for you and your relationship after being together for two years. This is bad.

Good luck with this, and please take some time and read some of the threads here in the relationships section.

Jeannie

love11

Is he a baptised jw?

If so, it may not be guilt that he is feeling, but rather, fear of disfellowshipping, shunning, and losing ones family.

If not, then he needs to be shown the "truth" about the society and maybe then he won't feel so guilty about not listening to their unreasonable rules.

Hope the best for you guys! Love

kls

Welcome Skeptik.

Euphemism

Welcome, skeptic! I think love11 is right on. What is his status with the Witnesses? It's quite possible, depending on his status and how hard-core his mom is, that she may actually stop talking to him if she finds out he's living with a girl.

I don't know whether or not that's an issue, but it's something to be aware of, if you're not already.

nicolaou

I do want him to see that the way he is living if life now is not wrong, and he shouldn't have a guilty conscience just because he is not as hard-core a JW as his Mom would like him to be

You have a wonderful outlook skeptic, unfortunately it is not shared by most Jehovah's Witnesses - and your boyfriend knows that. Most JW's, including his Mother, would see "the way he is living [his] life now" as most definately wrong!

If he is baptised he may be very afraid of losing contact with his Mother and any other JW family & friends if his relationship with you becomes common knowledge. He may suffer a penalty called 'disfellowshipping'. Ask him about that. In fact ask him lots of questions and make sure you know where you stand.

I feel for your boyfriend but clearly he has to decide where his future lies.

Good luck to you both.

Eyebrow2

this is tough situation for your. I think your boyfriend should take this visit to come clean with her about you and your living situation, if he truly loves you. But for him, it is probably a terrifying prospect. Like the others said, if he is baptised,it could be very devastating for him to be shunned. He should consider himself lucky that you are being so understanding.

Here is the thing, though: if he is going to not live like a JW, then, well, he isn't really a JW and his family is probably going to find out some time. Trust me, living a LIE can be worse than telling them the truth. If he isn't baptised, then he is probably still afraid of hurting his mother's feelings. All kids go through that...it is tough. But he needs to decide whose life he is going to live...his own, or the JW one that his family wants him to live?

I hope he can come terms with what he wants to do soon, for your sake and his.

good luck

diamondblue1974

Welcome Skeptic...hope you find the answers you need.

DB

skeptikchick

Thank you all so far for the warm welcome and words of wisdom. Unfortunately I do think, he is a baptized JW. I remember looking through his photo album and seeing pictures of him at about age 16 at what appeared to be a group baptism. His mother's whole life is this religion, its all she talks about, and all she writes about when she communicates with him. I've even caught him lying to her about his religious activities before, saying how he attends meetings and studies all the time, when really weeks go by sometimes and he doesn't even touch his bible. He is such a genuine, loving and wonderful person, and I feel like that is why it is so difficult for him to disappoint anyone he loves, and also why he is so easily influenced when it comes to making decisions about his life. Since we've been together, he has done nothing but accomodate me, even if it went against JW beliefs, but now the tables are turning since his Mother is coming to town. Please keep the advice coming, I can use all the wisdom I can get, as I may be having to make my own decisions regarding this relationship soon as well.

MerryMagdalene

If your boyfriend is as "easily influenced" as it sounds and goes out of his way to always at least appear to be fulfilling the desires and expectations of those he loves then it is probably out of a long-standing fear of losing love and approval (a fear inculcated and played upon mercilessly by the JW belief system).

He is now torn between your love and approval and that of his mother and probably sees that you are far more tolerant, accepting and forgiving than she, therefore he will likely try harder to please her, even if that be at your expense and detrimental to his own well-being. Since he is not here asking for help and advice, I can only ask you for how long and to what extent you would be willing to go along on that kind of ride? Because it's not likely to be a one time thing.

All my best to you in dealing with such a difficult and painful situation!

~Merry

Listen to Mom or listen to love?

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