List options for my escape here.

by tsunami_rid3r 31 Replies latest jw friends

tsunami_rid3r

Problem:
Want a normal life of going to college, freedom. In return will get kicked out of the house.
Will be able to go to college but must follow parents rules. Will still have to deal with their BS.

What I have:
This weeks paid for as far as getting the Student registration for college and paying for prom.
I'm top 10% of the class.
Applied for a lot of scholarships.
A lot of clothes
A backpack
A TV and TV table
A computer and desk
Tolietries
A teacher who offered me a place to live
A few good friends
Maybe some relatives
No money. Will get $284 from income tax return.
Acceptance to Texas A&M.
10 months work experience.
Will turn 18 on May 5.(I'd like to celebrate this day, but I can't have a party at my house. Would like ideas for this too.)

What are my possible options? The best?

The option I'm taking now, is just letting my parents pay for college, in return I go to the meetings and follow their rules.
Eyebrow2

If you can live under their rules, go ahead and try it for a while. You will just have to be patient. I don't think you will be doing anything hypocritical or living a lie if you just attend the meetings. You just have to be polite, right?
Congrats on getting into college.
It would still behoove you to look into scholarships and student loans for your self. You don't have to pay them back until 6 months after you graduate usually. I don't know if things have changed much, but in my day you had to either have a kid, or be at least 23 or 24 before they would not consider your parents income for financial aid, such as pell grants, etc. Have you asked your guidance teacher at school about this?
If going to meetings is something that you just cannot stomach, then bite the bullet, and work your way through college. I would suggest staying with your parents at least the first year, so you don't have to adjust to so much all at once.
Please keep this in mind: If it does not work out, please PLEASE remember, that if you end up only going to school part time to start with while you work it is NOT the end of the world. My brother never made it past sophmore year in high school...then at age 23 he realized he wanted more out of life. He got his GED and took classes part time until he could get into college as a full time student. He is now about to graduate with his Masters degree. Just keep your goal of college in your mind.....don't let anything deter you from it, but make sure you keep your self balanced too.
Good luck...I am in Texas too, by the way!
=)
Aude_Sapere

I'm 17, and the best way to get out is talk with your parents. The deal I have right now, is:

1)I can hang out with my worldly friends and have no curfue, only if I comment and participate a lot in the meetings
2)I can live on the dorms in college, only if I attend the meetings back home with my parents.
3)I can grow my hair out, wear the good clothes, only if I comment and participate a lot in the meetings
4)I can go to college, only if I give the image that I'm still in the Truth.
5)I can date, but I can't let anyone from the hall see me.
Is this still the deal you have with your parents? I am still concerned for you because it still sounds like they are strongly encouraging you to live a double-life. Personally, I don't think that is good for anyone. I see short-term gain (money) for longterm damage (loss of sense of self and manipulation of others) School is very important. I am so impressed that you keep this at the top of your list and hope you continue to make it a priority. If you can find a way to do this without being two-faced, you will SOO much better for it. If you decide to stay home, you and your parents are going to have to either change your expectations of each other and learn to live with respect for each other rights to choose your own beliefs or get ready for more tears arguments and disappointments. It's a terrible way for any of you live. For all of you. Since your parents are witnesses, they fully believe that their's is the only right belief and they will probably not respect your making a different choice. Witnesses don't respect anyone else's belief. It's the way they were taught and not entirely their fault. (Well, it is, but this is not time or place to discuss. They do not see they HAVE any choice.) Your sanest approach will most likely involve moving out. Interesting that a teacher has offered you a room. Check out the relatives, too. Remember, though - everyone who's house you live in will be allowed to set rules on your behavior while under their roof. From what I've experienced, it will probably be quite reasonable compared to living at home as a dependent adult child of witness parents. I truly wish you the best in which ever decision you reach. Keep posting here. So many of us have lived thru what you are going thru now. Our hearts go out to you. Another important thing to remember: Keep your cool. Raging and acting out are immature and uneducated behaviors. You've mentioned that your parents do this and it seems that you want to retaliate. The more you do this, the harder they will work to control you. Infact, if they can make you rage, they are controlling your reactions. You need to take control of your reactions and keep your cool. Remember, it's going to get a bit worse before it starts to get better. Post here. Confide in a counselor. Be open and honest with everyone and find a safe way to release your anger and frustration. A good, long run can work wonders to clear your head. Take care and be sane. *hugs* -Aude.
tsunami_rid3r

Rule 3 is no more. I dont want to be some gay looking JW clone. Ill post a pic up of my hair I hate it.
Spook

My advice is to get into college on the parents boat, keep the deal about going to meetings, keep looking into scholarships etc., then get yourself DF'd!
Once you're in college, they'll bend over backwards to keep you there. You have access to all the resources and guidance of the school counselers, plus a whole world of job opportunites and friends you can crash with.
I stayed at home during my college days, it wasn't so bad, but I really regret not fully living during those days.
The good news is, now that I've officially left, I'm going back to school! Huzzah!
evita

Hi Tsunami

You are really in a tough situation that I can relate to. I did very well in HS and had teachers willing to help me apply for scholarships. I had to turn down their help because my Jw mother would not sign the forms. At 18 I begged her to let me attend the local JC. Her response was "not as long as you live in my house". I spent the next few years trying to fade and establish a life outside the org. At 20, I moved out and at 24 began to attend a 4yr. college. It took me 6 years to get my degree but I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. And I had no student loans to pay back as I had worked my way through. It can be done.

My advice for what it's worth. Go to college and live on campus. Gradually establish a life outside the organization by making friends and finding mentors. My advisor opened a lot of doors for me. Do the minimal that your folks require. Even if you only get one year of college credit out of them you will have established yourself and have something under your belt. Gradually become too busy to do all the Witness stuff. They will either get used to it or make you choose but you will be older and wiser and more independent.

Try to stay positive and loving toward your parents. I wasn't able to and I regret that now. You have your whole life ahead of you and I wish you the best.

Evi
JW83

Hi, I was in the same situation just after high school. I don't know how it works in the US, but here there are always share houses for uni kids - you pay a fifth of the rent, or whatever, & live off cans of tuna - get a part-time job to pay for it, it works out okay. We don't have fees for school here, though.
If you absolutely can't get by without your parent's support, then just bite the bullet & do it. Education is priceless, & as soon as you have finished, you can move out & live your own life!
silentWatcher

hey dude,

I feel for you, as I was in a similar situation not too long ago.

My advice: Keep your head down, and throw yourself into your studies. Take a full load of classes every semester. You may be able to graduate in 3 years. I finished a Masters in 4 1/2 yrs (normally takes 6 yrs). My parents always let me skip meetings for school work. My field is Comp. Sci. What field are you interested in?

Also, if applicable, try to find a co-op. It's like an internship, but long-term. You work for the company while going to school. Company pays your tuition and pays you a salary. Good gig if you can get one. Plus, you may end up with a full-time job.

Make sure to find internships. good for extra money and work experience.

Do you have any college credits from HS? Make sure to maximize them if you do. Also, it helps to plan your course of study (see above). If you start school focused, and knowing what you want major-wise, you will likely finish faster. I know people that aimlessly took classes for 2 - 3 years, and frankly wasted too much time.

I'm emphasizing speed, because of your situation. It's tough, and you will miss out on the fun everyone else has. But, sometimes you got to deal with the hand you're dealt. Also, doing well in college will help you get a good job, or go to grad school if you decide too. Grad school is usually paid for and you get a stipend. That's my current gig.

Good luck with your studies. :)
La Capra

Hey kiddo
Keep putting education first. If there is anyway to get the parents to pay, do it. If you are in the top 10% of your high school class, you have what it takes to succeed intellectually. Where scholarships fall short, get financial aid (if you haven't completed the FAFSA yet, what are you waiting for), and where that falls short, borrow. You do not have to pay back student loans until you finish college.
Get a job. And not in some franchise fast food place (unless that is all there is). Don't get a credit card until your fourth year of college (just don't do it-pay as you go. By senior year, you will need to build some credit, that's when you can get one).
If I could do it (and I did), so can you. I did it in the 80s when going to college got me marked, but I knew it was my ticket out. I kept at it, went into debt, and was HUNGRY for a real job by the time I was done with school. I stayed very far away from drugs, and never drank enough to get drunk. (Oh, but I did have boyfirends, and what goes with that.) I think I missed a lot of what America says the college experience was about, but the fact is, I didn't have that luxury-not in my cards at all. You probably don't either.
You will be getting your own place (space) soon, don't go over board on stuff for it (more to move-and college kids are always moving). Take the stuff you need that people are willing to give you. It's a college living situation, no one expects Architectural Digest-hell they don't even expect IKEA.
I think the biggest hindrance to young dubs leaving is their insecurity about making it on their own (it's what we were conditioned to believe). But don't worry, every other kid out there is just as prepared as you are, and not nearly as motivated to stand on his own.
Good going
Shoshana
Frog

Hey there,
I first want to say that you're incredibly brave and strong, and you will need to continue to be in order to live a life that is going to be true to yourself. I suggest that you speak with your parents and tell them about your doubts, tell them that you believe it is important for you to be honest (perhaps don't tell them your posting here, they should be on a need to know basis since you're almost 18). Tell them that you know that you need to go to college, and that you are prepared to do this with our without their help. Tell them that you respect them (even though I know you're struggling with this at the moment), and love them, that you don't want to loose them, and that you would appreciate their support. In return you will do your best to live a conservative life, and respect the rules of the house which do not conflict with your own.
I honestly don't believe that your only answer is moving out and making hardship for yourself, or alternatively conforming to the extreme jw expectation of your mother (parents). If you have the above conversation and it is clear that your mother cannot support you in your new life, then you may have to consider moving out, but try not to let it get to that if you can.
I moved out of my very strict jw family when I was 18y/o and it was tough. It has all worked out in the end, and if I had my time over I'd probably do it again. I'm not sure what the welfare situation is like in the States but I know that here in Australia you're not eligible for fortnightly student payments without declaring your parents income until you're over 24. If your parents aren't on a high income, then you might be eligible for student loans and payments anway, ask for your fathers help in filling out the necessary paperwork. Alternatively, and this should be a very last resort, if you are able to prove that your family conditions are very intense and unpleasant (you normally have to prove verbal abuse or more) then you may be viewed as an independent adult in the state your living in, therefore don't have to prove your parents income.
Well I wish you all the best, and continue to keep us all updated on your progress:-) froglett

List options for my escape here.

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