WA Boy,
You have come to the right place. Welcome aboard.
Perhaps what is happening to you of late is that the trauma of your past is beginning to surface. Sooner or later it has to come out. You have kept so much inside yourself for so many years, as many "tough guys" do. Yeah, guys are supposed to be self-sufficient and don't need anybody else, because there ain't nothin' we can't handle. Of course, we never cry or show our feelings. None of that sissy stuff. And so we march on, suffering in silence. We don't even know what we are doing to ourselves when we bottle it all up inside.
Your body is trying to tell you something. You have to release this, and let it go, let it out. In the process you may even be shocked to find yourself crying and weeping uncontrollaby. But that's OK. The little boy inside of you needs comfort, forgiveness and acceptance. It's time you allowed this to happen. Share your thoughts and feelings, and don't be afraid to let them show, especially to the ones closest to you and who love you the most- your wife and family. You will find this release a tremendous therapy, and you will know you are on the path of healing.
When my father died, I kept it all inside. Nobody was gonna see me cry, nosiree! For a time it worked, but then one day I bawled my eyes out. Lucky I was with some close relatives at the time, who understood, and told me that I had to let it out, because it's going to come out sometime anyway. This is called "grieving". I am telling you this, because I think what you are going thru is a kind of grieving process, except that it has been a long time coming.
The other thing that will help you along the way is if you continue to explore some of the JW stuff that has kept you virtually trapped inside this Cultic, Controlling, Judging, Condemning System. All too many of us simply believed and went along with it, so that virtually we became "programmed" in our brains to respond with fear and terror if we crossed the lines of the strict rules and regulations of "Watchtower think". In spite of all our reasoning and rationale, we just cannot control our emotional responses to the expectations of the Elders and the propaganda of the Watchtower teachings that have moulded our minds, so that we became Mental and Emotional Captives. The remedy to all this is to remove ourselves from it, and then begin the long process of "de-programming" ourselves. You will suffer withdrawal symptoms, but just keep at it and do not become discouraged. This JWD Forum can contribute immeasurably towards helping you during this time, as there is a tremendous amount of wisdom you can access. You will also find there are a lot of angry people here too, but that's O.K. If you want to vent your frustrations, just do it. It will make you feel better, and a lot of people will jump on to your thread and tell you "Amen, brother!"
All the best, and if you want support at any time, your just come here and let us know.
Rod P.