I had to stop back in for a little bit (taking a short break at work) to post something with some actual substance more than my occasional welcomes or one-liners. Not too long ago I posted a pair of angry tirades about how much I hated the Organization that I feel was instrumental in taking from us the basic things we all are owed by our families. I was so angry at them, hate would be an appropriate term for my emotions. My whole sense of right and wrong is so skewed I sometimes wonder if I'll ever see black and white again.
How long can they have me? That is the question I am facing now. How long will I let them continue to take my life from me? That question is intertwined with another, how can I go on knowing what I know and not do SOMETHING to help others get out? Then again, who am I to assume I can help anyone do anything? These questions have been nagging at me for the past few weeks. I spend so much time reading, and realizing I have nothing to contribute right now. No matter how much hate there is, it is of no use without reason or temperance. My responses are still tempered by the organization, my thought processes are still restricted, "they" still have a hold on me.
In any case, I now realize there is little I can do to them, there is little benefit from continuing to display the anger I have in my heart by lashing out and wasting the energy on trying to think of ways to "get back at them". My mother, who should be as bitter if not more so than me, has said repeatedly, "The best revenge is living well". That is what I plan to do, live very well and find happiness in myself. At the same time, I feel the need to dedicate some of my life to something larger than me, but the means has to be created to follow through to the end in my case, and I can't do it unless I make some changes.
I wish those I have met so far on this journey well, and hope I have been able to give just one person the feeling that they are ok, even if just for a moment. I feel a need to become fully engaged in my real live in order to truly recover, but I hope you all realize what a gift you have been to me, and I intend to check back from time to time to see some of you continuing in this truly great work, helping others be free. Collectively you have all done so much, and I cannot possible thank you all enough. Not to diminish those contributions in the slightest, there is one individual in particular I have to say thank you to in this post.
Dave aka seven006 - you once said you didn't think you had anything of benefit to give anyone, but you did the most to get me to this point, even though you would probably say you did nothing. It wasn't how much you said or wrote, but the quality and intelligence in it. Thanks for helping me think.
A prisoner of The Watchtower no longer,
Donnie Dean aka Wanderlustguy.