What is going on is I am 33 years old, I have physical ailments since my open heart surgery 2 1/2 years ago that make me feel 80, I have severe mental depression, anger, you name it. I have abused narcotics (pain pills, nothing worse, not cocaine or heroin but pain pills are bad enough) and I am going into rehab tomorrow. I have had serious suicidal thoughts recently. I need tons of help. And it's time to get professional help beyond therapy one hour a week (which helps, but isn't enough). I want my life back. I have been on antidepressants for 2 years but they don't help, not yet anyway. It's time to get on living or get on dying. I want the former. So I posted just to let my friends know I am at least trying. And if I disappear I am not dead, just doing whatever the rehab/mental hospital satellite office tells me I have to do. Life is so depressing when not on drugs. I need to kick the drugs, the painkillers, and get on living without them. So far I have not been honest with myself or anyone else for fear of ridicule or embarrassment. I don't care anymore. I would have been dead 40 years ago with my heart ailment. 20 years ago they would have given me a 50/50 chance at surgery. So I'm lucky just to be here. I don't want to kill myself but I think about it a lot. So please be kind to me and have patience. Some of you have known me for over 8 years. Please be nice and understanding, as you always have been, like when you helped me get out of the Witnesses. I'll say more if I have to... tonight. I go to rehab tomorrow morning.
