I don't know how to ask this ? (page 2)

boy@crossroads

Before a Date...Sing the Song Relax by Frankie goes to Hollywood!

Lets the one i'm saving for the date

Nosferatu

Now that I am becoming more comfortable around people i am considering pursuing a relationship with someone. No one in particular just yet.

One thing you must know is that you CANNOT just jump into a relationship. You need to date, get to know the person, and DEVELOPE the relationship while you're dating. If you make your intentions of being in a relationship from the beginning, you're going to scare her off.

Also, you're not going to immediately find someone compatible to have a relationship with. Many times, the two aren't close to being compatible and they end up dating for only a few weeks or months.

I think the biggest thing is DON'T go chasing after women looking for love. Chase after them looking for someone to have fun with. You'll increase your chances and do much better if you keep this as your goal. Let the love develope on its own.

Feel free to date as many women as you want until you find one suitable for a relationship. You'll end up finding a quality person quicker to invest a lot of time with.

boy@crossroads

Nos said

Chase after them looking for someone to have fun with.

That advice is GOLD man. thats exactly what i am looking for.

but at times i'm overly self conscious, trying to fit into the situation and that makes it difficult for me to just enjoy someones' company.

My late new Years resolution: be a go with the flow kind of guy, just enjoy the moment, don't have any expectations, enjoy the little things

love11

Where protection and don't assume every woman wants to marry you. Not that I think you were doing that, just wanted to give you the heads up.

JW83

Yep, have fun & live a little! And don't be scared. We're all just people!

zen nudist

and for goodness sakes, don't pay any attention to the victim-advice quoted below, not if you are serious about finding someone cool and compatible to hang with ...
I concur....

hey, I am just someone who has studied human psychology for 15+ years, you think this is victim mentality, fine, go ahead and walk through life with fantasy ideals blinding you to what is actually going on, no skin off my nose (^_^)

Terry

Coming from my jw background what are some things that I should be mindful of during my relationship, when it occurs?

You will be judging everybody you meet! Everybody. Nobody will measure up to your standards.

The problem is that human flaws are part of their coping skills. False religious beliefs are a flaw too. If you can see that; you are half-way there.

Seeing that you too have been flawed and will continue to be (in your thinking) for quite some time will enable you to view other people as humans.

T

seattleniceguy

Hello boy@crossroads,

I'll tell you, I've recently been discovering that I have some latent Witness conditioning in me with regard to relationships. Mostly it has to do with the finality and mediocrity of Witness relationships. In the org, people get married at 19, and not because they really are right for each other, but because they happened to be about the same age in the same hall. Usually, their marriages remind me of two people who are friends because they work together, not because they really wanted to be together. And they're expected to stay together forever! The sad grayness oozed from them like melancholy clouds.

I swore I would never let this happen to me. But unfortunately, this has caused me to approach relationships with a great deal of caution. In the org, you don't get many chances - that is, once you start heading down that dating road, you might end up married in six months. So I have discovered that I tend to be super-alert to find signs that the relationship is not right, so that I can bail before I hit the concrete wall.

My biggest challenge has been just being cool and not thinking everything out 25 moves in advance. I have to remember that no one is going to force me to get married. I'm not doomed to a miserable life because I happened to pick a little too soon.

Try to live in the present. Obviously, think about the future and where you're heading, but don't obsess. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, not what you fear it might become. If it doesn't work out, no big deal. Be honest with yourself, but don't fret too much about where things are headed.

Hope that helps! :-)

SNG

rebel8

It's ok to date just for the sake of dating. It's good for you. The main purpose of dating is recreation and socialization, with a secondary purpose of possibly starting a relationship....a relationship which may or may not lead to marriage. If you think about it that way, it's not so...intense...disappointing, etc.

Keep your cult background and other highly personal information to yourself until you're really in a relationship, and even then, ease her into it by sharing bits of info at a time rather than blurting out the whole thing at once. It's overwhelming and may scare her off. JWs have poor interpersonal boundaries; once someone is in their "in" group, they have no privacy. Normal people do not operate that way. Putting your best foot forward is not lying.

Go on dates with the mindset of who you are as a person minus your JW history. Think about your values, interests, etc. and put your borg past out of your mind completely when you're on a date.

AuntieJane

You sound like a nice 'boy'. I see you have been taking your time, making the slow fade. Continue taking life slow...don't let any little hotties get you into trouble, now! This is coming from AuntieJane, who can't help but worry about her kids. So many young girls I see are out there practically giving it away for free, if ya catch my drift! Guys have to be strong-willed. I see way too many single moms in my community; it makes me sick to think of how those little ones are growing up.

At any rate, didn't mean to get preachy to ya...But continue being the nice guy you are, and as someone else said, "it is just a date"...don't worry yourself needlessly. AND Keep us Posted!

AuntieJane

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