logansrun,
I think it was October or November of 1993 when I phoned the members of my immediate family (who were all active JWs then) to tellthem that I no longer wished to be a JW and would prefer that none of them try to bring me "back to the fold". I was 19 years old, living with a disfellowshipped relative who was showing a lot more "brotherly love" toward me than I'd received from the JWs during a very difficult time in my life.
I remember how lost and adrift I felt after making and announcing this decision. I had no knowledge of any ex-JW Internet community at that time and therefore had only a couple of people to look to for understanding and emotional support (disfellowshipped relatives). I pretty much went on a very self-destructive course for several years, from time to time wondering if the JWs were right and wondering if I would be destroyed in Armageddon. Sexual and physical abuse issues were all mixed up with the religion, as well. I can remember literally flinching, numerous times, when people brought up God or anything relating to the Bible or spirituality. For quite a long time, I was engulfed in feelings of loss, anger, bitterness and despair. I drank to excess often in order to assuage the pain I felt. I became increasingly aggressive and harsh in my attitude towards and dealings with others, followed by episodes of guilt, shame and remorse.
I became disillusioned and cynical after jumping into the "big, bad world". However, I learned a heck of a lot and benefitted from the kindnesses of strangers and I found out that there were a lot of decent, caring and loving people out in that world, too. After I got into recovery, I discovered more of those same types of people....I truly had some "angels", as I refer to them, put in my path. I was able to be there for my brothers and father when they decided they'd had enough of Dubdom. My mom is still in but she and I have been able to have a pretty decent relationship these past few years, since there are issues about which we have decided to agree to disagree.
I've become less cynical, a little more trusting (albeit slowly & cautiously). I've got a whole new set of friends; and these are the true-blue, through-thick-or-thin kind. I met and moved in with and then married the love of my life. I am truly blessed.
Sorry this reply is so long!I guess your initial post just triggered a lot of memories. I guess I am saying that I understand, to a certain degree. And, also, you are right where you are supposed to be on your journey. You are so much further along the path than I was three years into this process. I have a friend who says, "Twenty miles into the woods, twenty miles back out." It takes time....and we'll none of us have all the answers. I think the most important thing is to remain on the quest. Best wishes to you!
Sincerely,
Banshee
