I just wrote the elders a letter diss-assing myself and asked not to be contacted. not heard a peep from them. then again, i didnt hear a peep from them when i was in the congregation! It was lonely being a sheep!!!
What's the best way to FADE away from the JW's?
by JH 29 Replies latest jw friends
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scotsman
Tell them you're depressed and having doubts and that you're taking a break, let them "shepherd" you no more than twice then say you'll contact them if you need them. Be firm. Crucially, you have to stop hanging out with Witnesses so that you're not percieved as a threat.
No one's going to make me run away from a city I love.
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TheListener
Moving works well. However, some of us have immediate family that are in so moving wouldn't really work. Your spouse would have to know what you're doing and agree. That may or may not work depending on your spouses zealous rating (ZL: 1=spiritual slug; 10=masochist dub).
I think that slooooooooooooooooooooooooowly fading away will work if you're allowed to by your mate.
I'll let you know.
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Chia
I've decided to move away. As far as my family goes, they're "masochist Dubs" as the Listener puts it, so I have decided to keep contact with them limited. They will not have my phone number or address. They do have my e-mail address, and I'll leave it at that.
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undercover
It depends on how high profile you were in the congregation, how proactive or reactive the elders are and how much family you have in that might give you grief.
I was an MS, fairly well respected, from a long time respected JW family. I had ups and downs over the years as far as spirituality goes. On my last downward spiral I was removed as MS for not enough hours in service and then I slowly started missing book studies, then ministry schools, then ever other Sunday. Even then I had not really faced my doubts or questions about the WTS. By the time that I really allowed myself to question the WTS I was irregular in service and missing more meetings than I was going to.
I think it was the slow unintentional fade that allowed me to finally face my doubts and concerns. Once I did that and realized that the WTS was just another sham religion I was done with it. I just quit going.
I've been lucky in that I've only had 2 or 3 sheparding calls. I was mostly honest and questioned the elders on my concerns. Instead of them trying to save me or make an example of me, I think they were afraid to dig too deep and make waves, for whatever reason. I have been left alone for almost two years now. My family remains active, some zealous, others more hypocritically. My wife's family is still strong in the "truth" and all kinds of snide comments are made about me and my perceived slackness.
Fading has its pros and cons.
Fading allows me contact with all of my JW family. We still have our family functions and help each other. That's the good side. It digs at me sometimes though when they judge me harshly for being inactive and pursuing "worldly" goals. I have to bite my tongue sometimes when certain accusations are hurled my way. That's the bad side.
Fading has allowed me to go on being friends with a few people in the congregation yet go and have fun in situations that were counseled against when I was active. These few people do not judge too harshly though they wonder at what made me leave. That's the good side. Sometimes I run into JWs in business situations or even social situations and I see the confusion and wonder on their faces when they see me indulge in an activity that if they participated in would cause a judicial committee meeting on their behalf. I know that the gossip goes forth from such occassions and it's only a matter of time before an elder comes calling to "investigate". That't the bad side.
There is always a feeling, however slight it might be, of dread that someday the shit is going to hit the fan and a stand is going to have to be made one way or the other. It's that time, when family may desert you that you dread.
In some ways I envy those who just walked away and DAd themselves. It must be a good sense of closure that faders won't know. But since I have been lucky and been left alone for the most part, I choose to continue as a fader and keep my family ties for however long I can.
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scotsman
Stopping seems to immerse you in trauma but ultimately moves your life on. Fading seems to result in prolonged angst and doesn't guarantee you'll avoid that trauma.
I've watched my sister-in-law fade for 6 years and it's like watching someone with a degenerative terminal illness as they withdraw into themselves. I opted for the cardiac arrest.
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El Kabong
Before I moved away, I just stopped going to the meetings, didn't answer or return their calls, and didn't answer the door when the elders eventually came knocking.
But, then we moved away and I guess I'm just a distant memory of the few left in my old congregation. -
eyeslice
Everybody has to do it differently.
Many of us still have family and friends in and do not want to be totally cut-off from these - i.e. disassociation is not an option. For others the total quick break will work.
You have to first think about where you want to be in say 12 to 18 months time and then work towards that goal. Don't rush thinks especially if you have a spouse of family in.
Eyeslice -
Es
Yeah i must admit fading was relatively easy for me too....i just told my parents that i was interested anymore coz of all the crap i had been through which they kind of accepted...my dad still nags me to come back so i guess thats one downfall from not being D\F of D\A. As he is an elder I told him to tell the other elders not to bother coming over. es
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Spartacus
Change congregation, and never show up? But you have to attend the new congregation to request your records to transfer to the new congregation. Once that happens stop attending. Also it is better if you join a congrgation that speaks a different language, the elders tend to not bother with you if you don't speak the same language. That is what we did and it worked like a charm. I was an elder with many responsibilities and manage to faaaade away in 96. :) Life is good!