Yes I'm very curious about what part of the world you are in. South America? Southern Europe? Africa? You are very eloquent, do not feel self conscious about your English!
I, like you, am not turning atheist, ever, but like DofC could not fake it. That period of fading out was the most hellish period I ever went through. I am very outspoken, and to bridle my tongue and just suffer through the BS was miserable. But also, I found what path I wanted to go on during that time.
It's surprising you never want to get out of it, and I'm hoping later in life you can live free eventually. It's much better on the outside, but you don't realize it yet.