Why Its Good To Be A Man!

by ExmormonRobertson 15 Replies latest jw friends

  • think41self
    think41self

    OK Boys, (she says cracking her knuckles) Let me take a stab at this!

    Why It's Better To Be A Woman

    You can change your last name frequently and confound creditors and ex'es easily.
    The bathroom is all yours.
    Wedding planning is payback to your mother for all her crap.
    Chocolate is an EXCELLENT substitute for sex.
    You can be a president who actually keeps their pants zipped!
    You can wear a white T-shirt to the water park, especially if you entered the wet T-shirt contest
    Car mechanics will change your oil for free if you lean over a little.
    You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your husband's haircut.
    The world is yours if you have a nice smile.
    You can go for a long time without having to stop at a bathroom...years of practice.
    No work, better pay...just marry some rich schmuck.
    Wrinkles can be derma-braded.
    Wedding cost $20,000. Him supporting you for life cost $1,000,000.
    You can get people to stare at your chest when you want them to.
    Pretending to not notice the man's occasional belch, it's just nicer.
    New shoes complement your outfit perfectly, other women are jealous.
    Your pals can be trusted to tell you what the schmuck is actually up to.
    Once a month, for at least 7 days, you can be a perfect bitch..and the schmucks actually EXPECT it! [8>]
    Phone can be used to harass people very effectively.
    You know stuff about tank tops...and push up bras.
    You can take 3 suitcases...and the schmuck will carry them for you.
    You can soothe the schmucks ego by letting him open jars for you.
    Dry cleaners and hair stylists know all the best gossip.
    You can show the hotel maid how to make a bed properly.
    You NEVER have to kill your own food.
    You get extra credit for the slightest sexual initiation.
    If someone forgets to invite you to something...you get to add another name to your "Bite Me" list.
    Underwear can be edible...then he won't CARE what it cost!
    If you're 34 and single, it just means the ex schmuck didn't make enough money.
    Everything on your face can be enhanced fairly cheaply.
    You can take nice naps in the passenger seat while schmuck drives all night.
    You are capable of feeling pity for the deprived ones with only 3 pairs of shoes, and donate your extras to charity!
    You don't feel the macho need to try to sleep with the maid.
    You can carry on an intelligent conversation AND watch the game.
    You can sample a multitude of desserts without having to buy any!
    You receive many little gifts spontaneously from friends.
    You are not expected to know the names of more than 5 sports stars.
    You don't even HAVE to stop and think of how to turn ON a nut.
    You never feel the need to grab your crotch in public.
    You can iron anything in 2 minutes flat.
    You can convincingly tell the schmuck the hairstyle he's had for 10 years still looks good.
    The more you shave below your neck...the wilder you can drive them!
    When you're pregnant, you have a legitimate excuse for your belly.
    One purse, one pair of shoes, in every color, for all seasons.
    You can have your nails "done" for you.
    You also have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    You would never be so incredibly stupid as to try to do Christmas shopping for all your relatives on Christmas Eve. You actually CARE if they like what you pick out.

    Damn, it's BETTER to be a woman

    Tracy

  • COMF
    COMF

    Tracy! I was hoping for a turn-about; nothing's cooler than a one-liner that sums up an entire situation! One of my favorites is "The Rules." I'll have to dig that up and add it to the list.

    That said, I do have two comments to make:
    You really lean heavily on that "schmuck" business... enough so that, at least to me, it stopped being funny after a while, and became instead an attitude toward men in general; especially in the context of stuff like this:

    You can take nice naps in the passenger seat while schmuck drives all night.

    I don't know if "schmuck" properly describes a guy who is stuck with a woman like that, but "victim" and "sucker" come to mind.

    Second comment: Chocolate is an EXCELLENT substitute for sex.
    You've been sleeping with the wrong people.

    COMF

  • COMF
    COMF

    Found it!

    THE RULES

    1. The female always makes the rules.
    2. The rules can change without notice.
    3. Males cannot know all the rules.
    4. If the female suspects that the male knows ALL the rules she must immediately change SOME of the rules.
    5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
    6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said.
    7. If rule 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
    8. The female can change her mind at any time.
    9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed consent of the female.
    10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
    11. The male must always remain calm, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
    12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
    13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
    14. Under no circumstances is the male ever allowed to diagnose PMS.

  • FreePeace
    FreePeace

    You really out did yourself on this one! You are one sharp gal, and I'm one lucky "schmuck"!

    Hey Comf: Just to reassure you, Tracy doesn't ever refer to men as "schmucks," and she is a total NON-member of the "Men-Haters Club of America."

    Tracy is the most positive, cheerful, upbeat, intelligent, sophisticated person I've ever met. She has real class. It amazes me how people are so attracted to her beautiful smile, and kind spirit.

    And BTW, "Chocolate" takes second place to me any day! Just ask her!

    FP

    "The World is my country, and to do good, my religion." --Thomas Paine

    Visit my Websites:
    TruthQuest: http://beam.to/truthquest

    Empower the Spirit: http://www.EmpowerTheSpirit.com

  • COMF
    COMF

    I know you two well enough just from chat and emails, to know that Tracy couldn't have that attitude for real, Freep. I just commented on it because "schmuck" was so pervasive throughout. As for the "chocolate" comment, there's a story behind that.

    When I was in college, I worked for a grocery store doing stocking. We always saved the boxes that milk came in, because they held six gallons and consequently were double-strength cardboard, and had holes for handles on the ends... perfect for people to pack stuff in when they were moving. After stocking the dairy, we threw these boxes up on top of the milk cooler in the stockroom. So people were always coming in asking if we had any boxes, and we'd get up and throw down these milk boxes for them.

    One day this lady came in and asked if we had any boxes, and I climbed up on the cooler and asked, "How many do you want?" She answered, "All of them" and I said, "You probably can't haul all of them, ma'am, there's about 200 of them up here. What do you think, 10? 20?"

    She said 15 would probably do it, so I started throwing them down. They were landing all around her, and she looked at them with surprise and said, "Oh, these are perfect! Man, getting all these boxes is better than sex!"

    At this point, I stopped throwing them down and looked over the side at her. Three stockers who were off in other parts of the back room peeked around at her. Everybody got real quiet. We all looked at the boxes, and then at her. And then I said, "Ma'am... you've been sleeping with the wrong people." Everybody burst into laughter, including her. It was a memorable moment.

    So that's where the "chocolate" response came from. :) However, I must say that it would be true for any woman who could make that statement and mean it!

    COMF

  • think41self
    think41self

    Hey Comf,

    Thanks for posting The Rules...that was funny.

    And yes, I would feel sorry for any poor "schmuck" who was stuck with a woman like that too. It was "tongue in cheek" humor, sweetie.

    And for the chocolate bit...that was in reference to ex hubby.

    Freepeace, I love you babe. I will initiate for you anytime.

    Tracy

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