Hello, I married a Wittness in 98. Although I do not believe that way. I thought that I would be able to deal with the religion. But as it turns out, I can't. My husband was disfellowshipped for leaving his wife,for me. After we we're married I moved 500 miles away from my home, my family, and my friends. Nothing could have braced me for what I was about to get myself into. His family or so called friends could'nt have anything to do with him at all. I was devastated, I have always been taught that everyone deserves a second chance, but not in this religion. I could'nt understand this, And it was really hard for him. I tried to tell him that it just was'nt right. If they really cared they would'nt shun him. But we would get into this big arguement, and I did'nt want to argue about it. He told one of the elders wives that I wanted Bible studies, and I did'nt. So when they would come over, at first I would ask them questions,and they were quick to answer them, and even back them up. So I ask her what gave them the right to judge my husband. She said that they were'nt judging him. Well I would like to know what they where doing then. I told her that there was going to be one judge in the end, and its not going to be those elders that your going to have to answer to. Well this caused an arguement,so I ask her to leave. But she still came back to see me almost every week. Until a few weeks ago, I had had all that I could take, so I told her exactly what I thought of the religion. And she did'nt like that. When I told her I was doing research on the internet about the religion, she really got nervous, saying that I shouold'nt do that because, its all evil. It's really hard because I have a daughter that is 7,and her father is Christian, and she does'nt understand this religion, and wants nothing to do with it. And then he has a doughter that is 6, and she has been raised a witness. So she tell my daughter that she's going to die for celebrating Holidays and B-Days. And we also have 2 kids together.But their not old enough to really understand. I still celebrate Christmas and B-Days, with my kids and my family, but I have to Go to My moms house, which is 500 miles away. I just don't want to confuse my kids anymore than I have to, But I don't want to give up these things, because I don't see anything wrong with it. So I'm thinking about leaving my husband. I don't want to, because I do Love him very much, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I've tried to show him some of the things that I have found on here, but he won't even look at it.I'm so confused, so if anyone has any suggestions. I'm open to try just about anything. Thank you
Wife of Jehovahs Witness
by Totally lost 20 Replies latest jw experiences
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individuals wife
Welcome to you
I'm trying to work out from your post whether your husband is now reinstated back into the congregation...did he go back in when you moved to a new area?
If he did go back in I can understand that you would be feeling very confused and lost. But if he stayed out why are you having so many problems now? Is is that he still feels as though he is a JW and is finding hard to adjust and that is why you have to celebrate xmas and birthdays away from him? It sounds as though he is still very much a JW when you say that he won't look at what you've found on the internet - I think I would be tempted to just feed him little bits of information now and then, little things just to get him thinking, to go straight in like a bull in a china shop often sends people off in the opposite direction. I think you have to be very subtle.
These things take a lot of time, don't give up too easily, it sounds as though you love him very much and I think love is worth fighting for, especially where there are children involved.
Keep doing your research, it is more ammunition for you - and this is a good place to come. Glad to have you here!
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Totally lost
Hey, sorry about that, yes he just got reinstated a few weeks ago.Also where we live now is where he's been raised all his life, this is where his family is,which are all witnesses. So he wanted to move back here to be around his family. Who could'nt have anything to do with him, until recently. It's even harder for me now that he is reinstated, because he wants to be around everyone, and I'm still mad about the way they treated him before. But he does'nt seem to mind. He knows how I feel about hanging out with them, so he kind of tricks me into going to their houses. He'll tell me that we're going to get something to eat, and we'll end of at someones house for dinner. He does'nt exactly lie to me, he just does'nt tell the whole truth. I've caught on now, I don't go anywhere unless I know for sure where we're going. I do hang out with his step-Mom who has'nt been to a meeting since I've been married to my husband, but she still claims that shes a witness. I found out recently that she does'nt really speak to any of her family, because of "The Truth". They all said they did'nt want anything to do with her, and the same with his Dad. Another hard thing for me is the blood issue. So I ask my husband if something happen to one of our kids, and they needed blood or die. What would he do? He said that he would let my kids die. And I just can't deal with that. I know that I'll be there to protect my kids, I would do anything for them, including giving them blood if they need it. But whos going to protect me. I'm 500 miles away from my family, and the only people I have here are my husband and his family, and they're all witnesses. What if something happens to me , will he let me die! It scares me to think about it. My parents are Holliness, which is totally different from JW. Some of the things that they don't believe in, I've seem happen with my own eyes. Thank you for listening.
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Francois
As I read your letters, I sense an increasing desperation about you. And a growing sense of helpless and frustration. I believe it's important for you to honor those feelings, because they ARE yours and you ARE feeling them for a very good reason.
What you seem to be describing is an increasingly abusive situation. You may not think that telling you that you're being taken somewhere to get something to eat, and then ending up at someone's home where he knows you don't want to go isn't lying, but that's exactly what it is. And lying is abuse.
Does this man strike you? Does he strike your chilren?
When a person has either been brought up as a JW, or has spent many, many years with them, it is natural for them to be on the receiving end of lots and lots of abuse. And when you've learned abuse from "God's Organization" you learn that it's OK, since it's coming from God. Now you can abuse those closest to you and that's OK too.
I have spent some time as a counselor for abused women. All the women I've ever dealt with loved their husbands, even though some of them had mouths so swollen from being beaten they could hardly tell me about it.
After these women had been in the shelter for awhile, the husband would come looking for them, frequently crying, and telling all about how they'd changed. And these soft-hearted ladies would leave with their husbands. Then a week later, or a month or maybe two would pass and knocking on the door one night they'd be back; beaten black and blue again. This may not be happening to you. It may never. But I would ask you to accept that you can be bruised inside, in your feelings, in your heart, by an abusive person. I've seen the cycle of abuse that I've described here many, many times. And sooner or later, many of the women who keep going back to their husbands and then cycle back to the shelter finally, finally, get enough of it and they leave.
I've gotten letters months later from some of these ladies who tell me they wish they'd taken action years sooner. Now they have a life. Now no one is abusing them physically, or emotionally, or in any other way.
You can't be walked on unless you lie down first. Do yourself a favor. Get up off the floor and find yourself a real life.
Hope you'll post again and tell us how you're doing.
Francois
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individuals wife
First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you have been put in this awful position, it must be so very difficult for you. I think it is very sad that your husband did not take your feelings into consideration when he decided to go back in, I get the impression that he is very much guided by his family which is unfortunate. A man, especially a man with a family of his own, needs to make his own decisions and I get the feeling that he has been co-erced somewhat into this situation.
I can understand how mad you feel about the way in which his family now embrace him, yet not so long ago were prepared to shun. I hate this type of conditional love, to me it is not real love at all. I do not like to be told who I can and cannot talk to.
As for the blood issue, even when I was in the congregation I would never have let any of my children die because of the lack of a blood transfusion, they have always meant more to me than God. With the blood issue you are in a very difficult situation, if it was me I would be tempted to make sure my kids never carry blood cards for a start so if there was an emergency blood could be administered. Obviously if the need for blood comes up in a hospital situation where both you and your husband were present then there would certainly be a need for a lawyer. As for your own protection maybe you could carry a medical directive in your purse stating that in the event of an accident you do not want to be denied blood, maybe a similar document in your doctors file may be useful too. Maybe you could reassure yourself a little too with the thought that there are alternatives to blood and if the worst did come to the worst and your husband did deny your children blood then there are workable alternatives, lack of real blood is not always a reason for death. Lets just hope it never has to happen.
It sounds to me like you have a good ally in your step-mum, it is useful to have someone who knows what it is like to be shunned, and also someone who is aware of what the JWs believe and all the implications.
I am so sorry that you have been put in this situation, you must feel very betrayed and let down. I just wish I could look into the future and tell you that everything will work out fine, I have learnt after my experience in the JWs that you have to make your own future, life is what you make it.
Maybe a comforting thought is this - many people who go back into the religion end up leaving again quite quickly, my husband was in for 25 years, I was in for 5. We left for 9 months when we were having massive problems with doctrine and the attitudes of the elders. But we ended up going back in, maybe because we were scared of life without a hope of a new system, maybe because we missed some of the people there, maybe because we missed the routine and feeling of belonging. I dont know. But what I do know is that it wasn't very long before we realised we couldnt overlook the problems within the organisation and we left once and for last November. We almost felt that our time going back in just proved to us just how much we didnt really need it, hopefully your husband will come to the same realisation.
It sounds like you are a lovely person and I just hope that he comes to his senses before he loses his real family, you.
Take care - hope to speak to you again soon.
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waiting
Hello Totally lost,
Nice to meet you. Yeah, we on the internet are evil yada yada yada. We also learn things about our own history we were never allowed to learn about when active. Oh sure, the old books are there, but I've been cautioned for the last 30 years not to read them because "the authors had only the beginnings of light."
As for you and your husband - any chance of reaching some small compromises? Such as, if you go cheerfully over to his family's/jw friends' house, he goes to your friends house?
You're new to the area? Join some volunteer groups, meet people and invite all you can to your house. He wants kids to go to KH? Compromise then and for every hour there, your kids get to go to school activites, sports, etc.
I do hang out with his step-Mom who has'nt been to a meeting since I've been married to my husband, but she still claims that shes a witness. I found out recently that she does'nt really speak to any of her family, because of "The Truth". They all said they did'nt want anything to do with her, and the same with his Dad.
Would be fine to develop that relationship if possible. Family dinners, etc. Develop grandparent theme and family responsibility to older ones. He may say he won't compromise his ethics for "worldly people." Nothing I've suggested has to do with ethics - just everyday life.
I'm sure others will have some good suggestions - but you're husband's not going to like any of them. I'm sorry for your problems, but something to remember.......most jw's who are reinstated do not stay in. Just the way it is, nobody really knows why.
Take care,
waiting
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think41self
Wow, Totally Lost,
First, let me say Welcome to the board, and thank you for sharing!
Secondly, your story is a very difficult one. Knowing JW men, and their beliefs, I would assume he resents you thinking for yourself and actually (gasp) disagreeing with him. There are MANY ways spouses can work out their differences, if both are reasonable and willing to compromise. Is this true in your case?
I have to agree with Francoise, that I too sensed some underlying oppression in your post? If that is true, please consider his words.
Waiting gave you some good suggestions. Everything doesn't have to be about doctrinal issues...there are many many areas in which you could achieve some marital accord, even with the kids. I was raised by a JW mom, but my Dad never was one. I also had two step daughters who were never witnesses, my kids were being raised as witnesses, but we worked out compromises with them...and ALWAYS with attention to their feelings! Please feel free to email me privately if you would like to discuss some of the particulars! Take care, and let us know how it is going with you, ok?
Tracy
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Totally lost
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your support, its really nice to have someone to talk to about all this. My husband is not phsically abusive, but on the other hand he is very mentally abusive. A real christian would never talk to me the way he does sometimes. I'm very sensitive, so sometimes I think I would rather have him hit me than to have to listen to him degrade me all the time. Everytime something comes up missing that belongs to him, I LOST IT, nomatter who really done it. It's always my fault. If I did'nt do it personally, then I was'nt watching the kids like I should have been.
He has taking our son to a few meetings, but he's only 2 so I don't really worry about it. But we had an arguement last night about all this. He hates that I get on here and research things about wittnesses. He said that if I want to know about the religion then someone will give me Bible studies. He really thinks that I'm going to "come around". But I don't see that happening in this lifetime. I told him last night that I don't want my kids even going to meetings. but their his kids to.
I've read on here that JW's have a lot of depression and stuff like that. Well in the last few months my husbands brother and his aunt both have had a breakdown. His brother had a really bad one, Ive only know him for about 3 years. But when he started having symtoms of depression, I was the only one that could see what was going on. I'm a very caring person and I can usually tell if something is wrong with someone. And I seen this happening to him. I ask my husband to please talk to him, because I knew something was wrong with him. But my husband just brushed it off saying that he was just going through alot of stuff and he would eventually get over it. So I told his wife that he acted suicidal, but noone wanted to beleive it. So they let it go on, until one day he started talking to people that did'nt exist and saying that everyone had demons in them. He got his wife in the truck one day and was driving 130 in 30 mph zone. In the middle of the road, while looking up talking to someone. When he finally stopped the truck he started pushing her and stuff, so she called the ambulance to come and get him and had him admitted into a mental ward. And the whole time he was doing this, he was blaming it on his religion, but I don't think that he remembers that. He's still not totally better, but is doing good. I try to talk to him sometimes, but I still think that he has some issues to work out, that noone else seems to see.
I told my husband last night that I was moving back to my hometown. He said that I was selfish. I've been her for 3 years and I have not one friend. He wants me to make friends with all the witnesses. But I can't bring myself to do that. I know that my husband loves me, and hes a very good father who loves his kids very much. And it would kill him if I took his kids away from him. I don't want to hurt him, because I do love him very much, but what about my happiness, that does'nt seem to matter to him. I hate it here, and he knows that, and hes known that since the day I moved here with him. I find myself crying at night. Because I've tried so hard to make this work, but I think that I'm wasting my time. He says that he'll never move to my hometown, and I don't want to be here. So I guess thats it. The only way that he would move down there is if I can get him out of this religion, but thats going to take something drastic. But then again if I could get him to move to my hometown, then I think that he might get out of the religion, because we don't know any witnesses there. So he would'nt have anyone telling him that he needed to go.
I don't know, I guess I'm just not ready to give up on him yet. I told my Mom that there was no hope for him. But she insists that theres hope for everyone, and that God can change anyone. She said that I just have to keep praying and asking God to make him see the light. And to see that his religion is'nt the right way. But I don't know how much longer I can take it. Maybe if I leave him, he'll see how serious I am about all this. And come to his senses. But he's VERY hardheaded. So I don't know. I'll write more later. Thank you.
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ReverendRoy
Hi TL,
Many of us can understand how incredibly difficult this is for you and what you are going through. You have found a good place to get lots of opinions if nothing else . I have to agree with Francoise and Tracy, use caution as you make your stand known. Years of abuse and "brainwashing" technics by the JW's can cause him to react in ways you may not expect. Although he may love you very much, he can not let go of a religion that has been so much a part of his life, especially after being reinstated for something that is part of being a human.
Hang in there. Keep asking questions, keep looking for answers.
Welcome to the board.
Reverend Roy
"Why is it when we talk to God we're praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"
- Stop in at Reverend Roy's Voodoo Lounge where nothing is sacred: http://www.geocities.com/reverendroysvoodoolounge/ -
individuals wife
Dear Totally Lost
You are in such a difficult position, my heart goes out to you, truly it does. It is so hard to see what direction to go in, I feel so angry with the organisation that has created these problems for you.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and take your pain away but unfortunately life is never that simple.I was just on my way to bed when I read your last post, just couldnt leave without letting you know that I am on your side and you have my greatest respect for all the courage you are showing by standing up for yourself. Take care, hopefully I will get to talk to you in the chat room sometime. Bye for now.