What do I tell my mother?

by Confession 31 Replies latest social family

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  Confession

  Luna2, yes, I know I might have a long wait—and I certainly hope so. They are not in ill health at all. Dad, at almost 73, just completed a one-week bicycle marathon—and can’t wait until next year to do it again!

  Prophecor, I am certainly aware that my mother may have these suspicions. I’m not sure what your purpose is in pointing that out. I’m looking for personal opinions as to how to proceed from here.

  Wanderlustguy and HappyDad… I guess your thoughts are the long and short of it—if I hope to have a relationship with them in the future.

  Willyloman, I appreciate your comments. Personally, I’m doing fine. I have many, many new friends—and am beginning to enjoy life for the first time. In the last ten months—and even longer, truth be told—I’ve completely immersed myself in understanding what’s wrong with this organization. As I come to the concluding pages of “In Search of Christian Freedom,” having already read “Crisis of Conscience” and talked to dozens of ex-JWs, I’ve come to the conclusion that I now must put fingers to keyboard and outline all of my relevant findings. This is both therapeutic for me—and also prepares me for a possible future confrontation with—not only family members—but also former JW friends.

  What I am struggling with is not intense fear that I may never speak to my family members again. What I’m troubled by is the idea that I have important information to share with them—and that I might hold back from sharing it because of the profound emotional pain it will cause them. Right now that doesn’t feel right. If I’ve come to the realization that this organization is not what it purports to be—that they are throwing their lives away in dedication to something false—it seems incumbent on me to share this with my family regardless of any reaction, understanding that it could help some of them wake up eventually. And at least I can hold my head high as someone with personal integrity. But, with so much at stake, I don’t want to rush headlong before very carefully considering this. That’s why I’ve asked for your comments. And having done so, thanks! You’re helping a great deal.
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  luna2

  Oops, I obviously misunderstood your question. Wow on your Dad! That's terrific. My uncle who is in his mid 70's still bikes extensively...up until about two years ago, he was still biking across the country (literally from Seattle, WA to Connecticut) by himself. I wish I was that active.

  I can see where you would want to enlighten your family...to free them from the lie. I think it's smart that you are giving serious thought to their emotional well being before laying it all on them, though. My only thoughts right now are not to rush anything. Let yourself settle into being out of the org for a time.

  From the various experiences I've read here on the board, unless they are already having doubts, it's likely that they'll refuse to listen to you, no matter how well you present your evidence, and might even feel it necessary to cut off communication with you due to your "apostate" talk. Then, not only will they still not be free, but they will have the agony of losing their son to the "world".

  Patience and discretion might be your best bet. Either road has it's own difficulties.
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  jgnat

  It sounds like hoplesslystained is in a very similar situation, Confession. If my parents were in their seventies, I'd rather keep them happy in their delusion. I like this statement:

  Create your own circle of friends and new family and keep the jw family at arms length. Be kind to them do not give them any information so they feel they must condemn you and your children. Keep things on your terms and where you are comfortable. I wish you happiness...

  As for bringing your family to the "light", consider that every JW feels this obligation as well. I suggest you cultivate a higher form of communication called listening. As you are most painfully aware, preaching rarely works. Observe your family, look for cracks, seek out needs, and address them. I guarantee the results will be much more fruitful.
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  prophecor

  Prophecor, I am certainly aware that my mother may have these suspicions. I’m not sure what your purpose is in pointing that out. I’m looking for personal opinions as to how to proceed from here.

  
  Sorry to have stepped on your toes, I, however, meant no harm. If the possibility exist that your parents are aware of of your situation, maybe you could just keep them at bay, not worrying about their bringing it up. Maybe she already knows. Sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid. If it does come up and your trying to spare your aging parents any further discomfort, avoid having to go there by whatever means necessary. The issue of theocratic warfare came up from another poster. In order to keep the peace, I see that as a possible option. Asto your wish to inform your parents as to the true nature of the WTBTS, I could never advocate something like that. The risk that go with bringing information to those who are grounded in the truth as they must be would seemingly to me, be too great. You have so much to lose. They have even more. It must be their whole life. I recognise your desire to help your parents to see the truth, but at what cost? What are you willing to lose? Is it truly worth it? What is to be gained, and can it actually be attained?

  btw welcome, and sorry if I've caused you offense

  Arthur
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  Confession

  Prophecor,

  Offense? Certainly none taken. Just trying to ascertain the point of your first response. I now understand that you believe it's better to zip the lip, as it were, than meet the situation head on. Yes, I remember the concept of Spiritual Warfare, and have no problem using it--not necessarily toward anyone else but the organization that propounds its use itself. For me though it's not an issue of being capable of sidestepping, etc. It's more one of feeling wrong about not telling them what I believe they need to know. Yes, I know what the likelihood is in the short term. I suspect that there will be a little family proclamation that until I "return to Jehovah" I should expect no communication from them. I also suspect that, in time, some would only very occasionally call or write to me. It's also possible that my mother would do so, in tears, from time to time.

  But... Given the proliferation of information about JWs on the internet--and the powerful effect it's having--the likelihood exists that some of them will eventually start putting two and two together just as I did. And it's also possible that my attempt to reach them will make them more open to finally giving themselves permission to give this organization an objective investigation.
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  Confession

  Thanks, hopelessly and jgnat... With reference to the comment...

  Create your own circle of friends and new family and keep the jw family at arms length. Be kind to them do not give them any information so they feel they must condemn you and your children. Keep things on your terms and where you are comfortable.

  Please understand that I'm really not having any issues about moving on with my life. I have accumulated lots of new friends--as well as old friends from school and the workplace, and I have no problem decreasing the role my JW family members play in my life. In fact, that's already been done.

  That said, I very much appreciate your comments. It looks like the majority are in favor of a close-mouthed fade. And until now that's what I've been doing. The thing that nags at me though is if I'm doing this so that they don't feel 'they must condemn me and my child,' am I not being rather selfish? Yes, it might mean I get to keep having some type of relationship with them, but (ultimately) what will that relationship be like? These people are singularly Watchtower focused. Any discussion with them will invariably lead to 'why I'm not going to meetings anymore.' Further, there will be an uncomfortable barrier between us.

  Yes, I know..."An uncomfortable relationship may be better than no relationship at all." But the more I think about it, the more it seems that telling them is the right thing to do. If it means losing most of them, but in time gaining true relationships with some of them--and perhaps helping one or some of them wake up--I think it may be worth it in the long run. This way I can be righteous about this thing and have at least a shot at getting them to start thinking!
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  hopelesslystained

  correct me if I am wrong, but, Confession, your feelings of responsibility to show them the 'light' about the org rings of a jw trained consciense. Being that what ever you are convinced of being 'right' is the same conviction they must/should come to, if only you could properly inform them. The controlled mind has blinders and paralyzing fear. Your happiness and good life may entice them to open their mental world a peek and question you a bit sometime, but don't count on it. Those who are like our parents and have devoted their lives to a belief cannot be expected to stand up and accept their whole life's pursuits were a waste. Even if they have secret suspicions and questions, it's just too much to face at their age. I have found that refusing to be questioned and drawn into conversations concerning beliefs is the best way. Their consciences can be easily appeased and thereby keeping the peace. They actually seek me out now due to the fact that my life is happy and productive - so unlike the rest of my (jw) family. My input has pulled them out of depressions and fears. The jw's are so negative and unloving, I'm afraid it has taken a toll on them. But changing their basic hope of not dying in this system of things is something they are holding onto with a vengence. Any alternative is just too scary and destabilizing at this point in their lives. Do not let jw instilled guilts overcome you and create havoc. Peace to you
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  prophecor

  I now understand that you believe it's better to zip the lip, as it were, than meet the situation head on.

  A lot would depend on who I was trying to take the message to. For some, I would have to be brutally honest and try to shake them to thier senses. Others I would have to take a more subtle approach, and then there are those who I know, I would get absolutely nowhere with no matter what proof I had at my disposal. There are too many variables to address.

  I've tried to bring information to one of my best friends in the truth. I knew I would have a fight ahead of me but I refused to let it go. I got nowhere, but I felt if nothing else, I'd done everything in my power possible to meet him headlong with the information I had.

  My aunt, however, who introduced me to the truth, who now lives in a perpetual bubble regarding the WTBTS and who is also no longer in the truth, I went to go see her after several years being out of contact with her. After sitting with her for 45 minutes, hearing how she continued to believe, regardless, I knew there was nothing that I could say that would make a hill of beans of difference about her position, to the point that she would even rail that much harder against anything I had to say.

  For me, it comes down to knowing who I'm dealing with, as well as learning to pick my battles. Knowing who I can gain success with as well.

  Nothing is more important than your parents, though, so I realise you'd like to keep them safe from any further damage that can result from not knowing the whole truth about the truth. For this, there are no easy answers.
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  Confession

  ...correct me if I am wrong, but, Confession, your feelings of responsibility to show them the 'light' about the org rings of a jw trained consciense.

  Interesting thought, hopelessly. I can't deny that I was brought up as a JW--and that this will forever have an effect on who I am. But sacrificing a degree of personal difficulty in favor of trying to do something you think is important is not something JWs invented.

  Being that what ever you are convinced of being 'right' is the same conviction they must/should come to, if only you could properly inform them.

  If you read what I've written, you'll find I am under no such delusion. As stated, I am aware that most of them will have nothing (or verrrrry little) to do with me--regardless of how well I think I might present it. We are not here talking about my trying to talk them into a new religion. My position is this: Everyone deserves to know all of the information. I know what they know--and I know what I've learned since conducting my objective research. On the other hand, they only know what the WTS tells them and refuse to listen to anything else. I don't expect them to come to my conclusions. I only want them to consider that it is right and proper to look at ALL the information.

  Prophecor, thanks again. What you're saying is the heart of the problem as I think about it. I'd like to be able to talk to the rest of my family, but don't see that as possible without my mother and father finding out. I have considered that they may be at an age where (as I originally posted) I might consider just letting them be. (Although, of my family members, I actually see my mother as being one who would possibly listen.)

  All of these comments confirm my concern that I must be very careful about coming to any quick decisions on this. And thanks again for all of your posts.
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  Frog

  Hi Confession matey,

  I know full well how difficult it is broaching this subject with your loved ones when you feel they themselves are in a delicate stage of their own lives. My mother was particularly fragile when I could no longer avoid giving a straight answer to her on the fact that I was resolute that I would never return to the org. I think there are no real ideal times when it comes to this sort of thing, there are probably less ideal times, but it doesn't sound that apart from your parents being slightly older that there is much reason to hold on and wait.

  The problem with holding off any longer of course is that you are left in a state of limbo, and can't fully move on with your life. We're too old to be fearing the wrath of our parents. While it is to be highly commended that your hesitation is because of the love for your parents, there is also the possibility that you are not yourself ready for the full scale shunning that might result. I don't know if you can ever really be ready for that, doesn't matter how hold you are.

  I know it is easy to say this, but you are no responsible for sheltering your parents from reality and the world. They are well and truly grown up, and you don't owe them anything other than love and support. It might sound selfish, but in the end you are the only one looking out for you. While they might not fully allow themselves to understand your motives, you can take heart in the fact that at the heart of things all that the people who love from us want is for us to be happy, true and fulfilled. Despite that there selfish desire to have you in the org might take them over for a while, they will learn to cope with it, and move on.

  You can't protect these people from the truth about life and your reality, afterall that very notion is what caused you to make this stand in the first place. So, don't for a moment feel guilty, or allow them to put guilt on you. You know you have the moral highground, even if they are so blind as to not be able to see it. You can't protect them, that's not your job.

  Wish you all the best. Take care, Frog xx