Well I've finally done it. I've pulled my head out of the sand. And here I am. In reality I'm still living a lie. Please permit me to ramble a bit about myself. I'm 28, and was raised in the "truth". It's all I've known for my entire life. My father is an elder, and my mother is the typical elders wife. Both of my wifes parents are devout, he being a MS. I've been inactive for several years now, but have been hiding from a true awaking about the reality of the WTBTS. I guess I just didn't want to face the real truth.
It's kind of funny the thought process that you go through when you stop attending meetings, and reading Watchtower pubs. The gradual awaking of the mind. As the brainwashing began to fade I began to really THINK for myself. All the little doubts that had been in my mind since my teens started to flourish. But along with that came the pre-programed guilt. Guilt which I still carry in some small part.
I say that I am living a lie because I have not fully declared how I feel to my family. My wife knows, and she is terrified of it. I think she agrees with me on some small points. However as soon as our discussions cross some invisible line, her mind snaps itself back to some predetermined Watchtower point and that's it....end of discussion. I think she is more afraid of losing her families love than anything. And that's really it isn't it? The way that they control us. They capitilize our families....steal them from us....use them to lead us and control us. The proverbial ring in the bulls nose.
In my lie of a life, I am merely an inactive publisher. I allow my family to think that I am merely weak, spiritualy lost. I have learned that this is a pretty good position to be in within the JW community. It allows me to have the best of both worlds. Some day my own disgust for myself will lead me to DA myself, for surely a mans principles are more important than anything. For now I am afraid! Afraid of what I will lose, afraid of a life without love.
The emotions that go along with this journey are almost unbearable at times. I mostly feel ANGER now. Anger at all that the Watchtower costs it's members. Anger at all we willingly give up for a LIE. We will die rather than accept blood. We will forsake a decent education and work at meaningless jobs for years on end. We will spy on our very family and hand them over to a "theocratic" tribunal for spiritual execution......
That's all I have. Thanks for listening.