I LOST IT ... my JW rant today

talesin

Well, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

Today, I exploded, talking to my mother about the family inheritance and how I am being screwed.

I told her I had been so angry lately, and just had to tell her what I was thinking, because the anger was slipping out at times, and I was making snide anti-JW comments .... which is not my way. I'm usually quite direct.

I told her that I couldn't take being treated like a piece of dog you-know-what on the bottom of someone's shoe any longer.

That in the past couple of years, I had learned so much filth about the JWs that I was getting more and more disgusted day by day.

I started shouting ... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SHUNNED WHEN THEY HIDE CHILD MOLESTERS???

She tried to stop me ... "But you won't let me explain ... they encourage reporting ..."

YES, NOW THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING THEM TO COURT!!! THERE ARE OVER 20,000 VICTIMS SPEAKING UP!!!

"I don't believe that's true. Jehovah will take care of it ..."

JEHOVAH NEVER TOOK CARE OF ME! I WAS RAPED WHEN I WAS 8,,, I WAS A GOOD FAITHFUL GIRL, AND DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! THEY LIED ABOUT 1975, I KNOW A MAN WHOSE WIFE DIED BECAUSE TRANSPLANTS WERE CANNIBALISM,,, THEN THEY GOT NEW LIGHT !!! NOW THEY CAN TAKE 'BLOOD FRACTIONS',,, WHAT NEXT? THE 'NEXT GENERATION' NO LONGER EXISTS,,, THEY LIE!!! HOW CAN THEY HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT AND BE SUCH LIARS??? THEY ARE EVIL EVIL!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILD MOLESTERS THAT THE GIRLS,,, AND THEIR NAME IS BERRY,,, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THAT NAME??? DO YOU???? AND THEIR FATHER IS AT LEAST IN JAIL NOW ,,,, BUT THEY WERE DISFELLOWSHIPPED FOR SPEAKING OUT???

"but we don't know if that's true"

Oh YEAH??? DO YOU KNOW KWIN... DO YOU??? WHY DON'T YOU CALL UP HIS FATHER AND ASK HIM? DO IT ,,, DO IT!!! THAT IS NOT SOME PERSON ON THE NEWS.... THAT IS SOMEONE I GREW UP WITH. CALL HIM UP RIGHT NOW AND ASK HIM,,, DO IT!

*mother getting very distressed, starts responding angrily*

"well, what do you want me to do about it? Why are you so bitter? WHY WHY ARE YOU SO BITTER AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?"

WHY???? WHY????? BECAUSE YOU,, YOU TAUGHT ME THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING IS THE TRUTH, AND YOU ARE COVERING UP FOR THEM. BECAUSE THEY STOLE MY CHILDHOOD AND MY EDUCATION, AND I DON'T KNOW MY NEPHEWS, I AM TREATED LIKE GARBAGE BY EVERYONE BUT YOU. BECAUSE WHEN I HAD MY BREAST SURGERY ,,,, I HAD NO ONE TO CALL UP,,, NO ONE,,, BECAUSE OF THEM.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE DRUNKS THAT ARE ELDERS??? WHAT ABOUT THEM? GOD, I AM SO SICK TO DEATH OF THOSE HYPOCRITES!

Anyway, I calmed down, and told her that she is my mom, and if I can't tell her how crazy this is making me, who can I tell?

I have pushed her to the limit. To me, this says she is feeling this way ... "I can't admit that the thing I lived my whole life for is a lie. Please don't force this on me."

ppphhhhtttttt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F me gently!

tal

misanthropic

Wow tal, I had no idea you had all of this going on inside of you. I don't even know what to say, I read what you wrote and sat here for awhile, and then I read it over again. I'm speechless and I am so sorry. you are such a nice person and that's great your able to open up about all of this, it certanly beats holding it inside. I hope everything will be okay for you, and I consider you one of my friends. I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.
Tammara

Lady Lee

(((tal)))

Well you got it out.

"I can't admit that the thing I lived my whole life for is a lie. Please don't force this on me."

and sadly that is what it often comes to. Once you cool down how about asking her for some compromise. You won't ask her to give up her dream and she won't deny you your rights

Xandria

Wow Tal I understand your rage and hurt. You have every right to express it assertively, as you did.

For what its worth Tal, you graduated to a new level in the journey for healing, now you have the courage to express your anger, fear kept repressed for so long. It shows how far you have come with healing too. It's a graduation of sorts.

X.

wanderlustguy

I have a question.

Do you feel better now or worse?

WLG

talesin

Tammara,

Yes, I do that in RL, too. Just keep it all in, and then when I tell my friends about the stuff that is bothering me inside, they say "why didn't you say, I understand, and am here for you." You think I would learn that it's okay to be imperfect sometimes, huh? Thanks!!! I'm sorry, I haven't opened my mail all this week, and am looking forward to reading yr note. Will reply in the next couple of days. (((hugs)))

Lee,

Yes, you are so right. I have thought it through tonite, and am going to talk to her and say "mom, I don't want you to give up your faith, I just want you to privately ,,,, to me ,,, acknowledge the hypocracy, and that there is nothing wrong with ME." I will not try to make her talk about anything in detail,,, I just want MY MOTHER to tell me that I have been UNJUSTLY TREATED ALL MY LIFE.

If she can't do that,,, well ... we will see where it goes from there.

X.

O ... MY ... GAWD!!!! (if you ever watched Friends, think of Janice!, Chandler's g/friend)

That is such a good spin!!!! And so true. Thank you so much, dear lady. You are right,,, I have finally confronted my MOM (big intimidation factor there),,,, as soon as I read your post, I felt MUCH better. You are right ... it is the victim speaking out and taking control of the abuser,,, because, really, that is what my mom is .. a very clever manipulator,,, and she had me feeling REAL guilty.

xoxoxo to you for that, dear womyn!

WLG,

It's a mixed bag. I have only raised my voice, well, maybe twice in the past 15 years. I was ashamed at my outburst, but yet, felt it was justified. She denied my abuse for decades, she protected my abusers, and expects it all to be unsaid yet forgiven ... hmmm,,, but OTOH, as we say on the 'net, it is not my way to yell at people... I guess I wasn't really yelling, but my voice was strong and louder than usual ...

You know, now that I am writing this, and really thinking about it,,, it was probably the FIRST time that I didn't let her intimidate me.

So, I guess, I feel better?

dunno for sure, but good question!!!

Like all things in life,,,, shades of grey.

xo

tal

Low-Key Lysmith

Geez Tale,

I'll bet you probably feel a little better now? My grandma called me up not too long ago and gave this guilt song and dance about how I am making the rest of the family depressed because they wont see me in paradise and how my sisters grew up and I wasn't there to see it, and all this other bullshit until I exploded and went off very much in the same way you did. I basically asked her what in my right mind would make me go back to something that just made me miserable in the first place. I told her how much happier and healthier and more stable I am now than I ever was when I was a Witness. I gave her the example of my dad who suffers from depression so badly that he can't even get out of bed. This was followed by a string of pitiful excuses defending the WTS and I told her that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER come back. She told me that I was as good as dead. Nice huh. I did, however, feel purged and much lighter after this. I hope you feel better too.

Best Wishes,

-Breck

skyman

You are right to feel the way you do and I to have done the same thing as you and I will again I am sure.

Head up high and never let them see you cry. That is easy to say but I have not been able to have dry eyes at times talking to the Borg members in my family. God I hate them at times.

talesin

Breck,

Ow, ow!!! I don't know if I could have taken that from my grandmother, to tell you the truth. ((HUG))

I guess I am grateful, now that I think about it, that she died before I was DF and she had to make that choice. I know I KNOW she was a fake JW,,, there is no way she believed in it,,, drunken fornicating party animal that she was till she was too sick to take off to visit her rellies in the US and party whenever she wanted to ... but I digress, and am feeling so bad for ya that you had to hear that from your grannie. : (

I dunno, I don't really feel purged,,, more like empty ... the feelings will prolly kick in eventually, but I am an expert at feeling nothing.

t

talesin

skyman,

Thank you, friend. :D I have just adjusted my chin angle,,, and needed that punch in the arm!

I did cry, and wiped the tears away quickly, because I did not want it to be perceived as a sign of weakness!!! How did you know?

xo

tal

I LOST IT ... my JW rant today

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