falling in love

by kid B 13 Replies latest jw experiences

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  kid B

  hello all

  ok, heres my story...
  i am 21 years old, male, and i am not a J.W., but i have hopelessly fallen in love with one. unfortuntately, i do not believe what she believes in (i use the word unfortuntately because i wish i could believe, but i cant and it tears me apart)

  i'm sure that this has happened a million times before, and you guys probably hear about it a lot, but i'm finding it very difficult to deal with, since she has also fallen deeply in love with me, but she feels like the only option is to let it go. We both are suffering from broken hearts.

  To be honest, i didnt know much about the J.W. religion, i know a little more now, we are very open with each other and share a lot but i can see that she is worried about bringing up her beliefs cause it might scare me off. I have been looking on the web (starting today) to find out more about J.W. beliefs, not because I feel like i wish to change my beliefs, but because my curiousity has driven me to know more. Where do i start looking? I had NO idea there would be SOOOOO much information =).

  I'm not intending to become a convert, i just want to *learn* more about the J.W. faith because lately ive found that this is the only way that i can justify the pain we are going through (ie. there must be a reason why i feel so sad, and i intend to learn a little more about it). I'm not angry at all, i hope it doesnt come across like that, i've come to accept that no matter how strong love is, some things just cant be changed. We decided that it couldnt work between us even though i feel like we are absolutely perfect together..... i know we are... its perfect despite our differences and we both know it, but there would be complications..... does anyone have any advice?

  Thanks a million, i appreciate any feedback at all

  kid_B
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  Totally lost

  Hello, I also fell in love with a JW. But I made the mistake of marrying him. I still love my husband very much, but this religion has put a tremendous strain on our marriage. We've been married for almost 3 years and I can tell you that It just gets worse, as time goes on. I know you probaly really do love her, but take it from me, its just not worth the heartache. Because they'll never give up their religion for you. Because then they would be shunned by their family and friends, never being able to speak to them again. I think thats why my husband is so scared to leave. You can read my story on this same page, its called wife of jehovahs witness. Then you will see where I'm coming from.
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  myMichelle

  Hi KidB,

  Welcome to the board.

  Places to find more information:

  Books
  Crisis of Conscience
  In Search of Christian Freedom
  Apocolypse Delayed
  Gentile Times Reconsidered

  Websites
  Freeminds http://www.freeminds.org/

  Shawn's Research http://www.jwfiles.com/

  Research on the Watchtower http://www.geocities.com/osarsif/index2.htm

  Good luck. Not an easy situation you are in, I know I am a nonJW married to a JW, who is now inactive.

  Michelle
  edited to see if I could make those annoying links work...
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  Ray Skyhorse

  Hello Kid B, welcome to the board. I can feel your pain because I've been there myself.

  You've come to a place where you can find out a lot of info from ex-JWs. They can tell you what it was like growing up in the Borg and what the JW religion is all about. I think you are wise to be finding out information about JWs. I think it will help you heal your wounds.

  I was never a JW. I knew my wife before she became a JW. We struggled quite a bit over our differences once she became a JW. I recently posted my story in this section called "How I Married a Borg". I suggest you read it when you get a chance. It will make you realize how difficult it is to have a relationship with a JW.

  Don't lament the fact that you have trouble believing their doctrines. In my opinion and in the opinion of many cult experts, the JW is a cult. Their doctrines are illogical. Do a search on the word "cult" in this forum to read more about how they use mind control techniques.

  You didn't mention if your girlfriend was raised in the Borg or if she joined later in life. I think people sometimes join the Borg if there was something missing in their lives. I think my wife joined because she was the victim of child abuse and found the "structure" of JW organization to be appealing.

  I hope you find peace in your life. I encourage you to read all you can about them; I think it will heal your broken heart.

  Damn the Borg to Hell!
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  individuals wife

  Hi and welcome!

  Just a brief tale of my experience, I met and married my husband when he was an inactive JW, not attending meetings but still very much a believer, he used to sit me down with the book of Daniel whilst we were courting and explain it to me.... how romantic!? The religion was firmly entrenched in him even though he had drifted away from the meetings, it still affected his life in a big way. As far as I was concerned I was not marrying a witness, just an ordinary man. I had no fear that he would go back in and that it might cause problems for us.

  As it happened out this turned out quite differently, a few years down the line and a few children later, we had that knock at the door and a couple of familiar faces and before we knew where we were we were having a bible study, a refresher for my husband and a new experience pretty much for me. I was amazed by what I was hearing and never took the time to check their 'so called facts'. To cut a long, long story short, I ended up baptised and pioneering (70 hours a month on the doors).

  Now, my husband and I have been out of the organisation since last November and have not looked back since, we will never return.

  I suppose the point of my little tale is that I went into the religion, not for my husband, not to make him happy, but for me. I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Yet if I had done my research in the early days I would not have given the religion a second glance, it has so many holes in it, so many flaws and errors.

  Do your research, get to know 'the enemy', find out exactly what you are up against.

  PS. I hope you get your girl! I hate to see things stand in the way of true love, especially religion.
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  kid B

  thank you, thank you, thank you =)
  It might not seem much, but these replies really help!

  Just to answer a question:
  yes she was always a J.W. (ie. raised as one)
  Also, thanks for those weblinks and references to other posts within this board that i can read, i guarantee that i will read them =)
  Everythings pretty confusing at the moment, including what i am learning about the j.w. religion... seems illogical to me but i wouldnt dare to try and change her; thats the wonderful thing about an individuals right to choose their own beliefs, although i will definitely talk things out with her. We are still best friends, so I think we owe that much to each other.

  cheers to all =)
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  Eyebrow

  NEVER do it for someone else!!

  I was raised a JW, but "strayed" for a few years as a teenager and had a son out of wedlock. Since I was not baptised at the time the elders did not DF me. However, several years later I decided to leave because of doctrinal issues and seeing the hypocrsy I wintessed in my youth was worse now that I was an adult. And it was not limited to my local congregation alone.
  Several months before I even met my husband I decided to leave. His ex's mother is sort of a witness (the kind that realy gives them a bad name...most that I know are pretty nice)and so he knew what he could have been dealing with. However, we discussed UP FRONT that fact that he had to have his holidays and birthdays, etc, and was very patriotic. Since he had two kids and I had one, it was very important that this was talked about. I also made clear to him that I had not intention of ever returning to the Hall, and that it had nothing to do with him, but because of my own beliefs.

  I never disassociated myself since a good number of my family are witnesses and I see no need to cause them a hard time. I just walked away. There is no need for witnesses I come across in stores to shun me, and so they don't.

  What is my point in telling you all this? Because I am afraid you will find yourself in a religion not because you really believe it, but because you are blinded by love. Believe me, it will not be doing your girlfriend any favors if you fool yourself into thinking that as long as you can be with her you can deal with anything.

  I have seen people start to study just because they want to keep thier boyfriend/girlfriend who is studying. Because you love her it is definately worth it to take a serious look...but PLEASE...keep your mind open and ask yourself this quetions: If she stopped studying or fell off the earth tomorrow would I still want to become one of JW's??? If the answer is yes, then by all means, knock yourself out! But if it is just for her, then you are lying to yourself, her and God.

  True love can never be based on lies.

  Good luck to you!
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  Prisca

  Hi KidB,

  Please consider what Eyebrow has just written. She's given you the best advice you could be given.

  I was raised a JW and left a few years ago. It is a very intensive group, and once you are "baptised" it is very hard to leave with friends and family intact.

  I wish you happiness.
  
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  Stacey

  Dont ever leave your spiritual life in the hands of love for another person. It is yours and yours only. Dont change your beliefs or join just because you think you are in love. There are plenty of other single women out there for you without the baggage that the JWs carry with them. I know this sounds harsh, but there is probably someone out there who is better suited.

  Whatever you decide I wish you the best.

  Stacey
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  Eyebrow

  Regarding Stacey's remark,

  Baggage? Yes...hmmm in the Samsonite league! I have been married for a few years now and I still am dealing with the baggage. I am lucky that my husband, although he does not understand all what I still go through with leaving, he takes my word for it and does his best to support me.

  This baggage that many (if not most) of the JW women get stuck with is because they are taught it is natural. If you do not feel guilty about certain things, you ain't being a good christian. My mother lives and breathes "the truth" and is a saintly woman...I don't agree with everything she believes or does, but she is one of the JWs that make them look good. I was raised to believe if you are in the faith you LIVE the faith. So I never really lived the double life that so many talked about. When I finally left it was cold turkey, and very difficult. Yet, I am proud of the fact that I never lead a double life, and do not profess to be a JW today, not even to my family that are still in. Why lie? If this sounds self righteous, I apologize. This is just a personal thing for me...since so many of the JW friends I had as a teenager and adult that were lauded on the platform were screwing around. Once I made the decision to finally leave, I could honestly tell myself it was because I didn't agree with the teachings and hypocrsy...not because I wanted to celebrate holidays or get laid.

  (yes...I did stray when I was a teenager, but stopped going to meetings, was not baptised at that time and NEVER presented my self as a Witness. Those with a double life go to the meetings and act all christian there, and have a totally different face for the "world". )

  Please be careful. Others have mentioned that you are responsible for your own spiritual life. This is so true. There is much more to life than being in love. You have to be true to yourself, or you are not much good to anyone.

  One last bit of mumbo from me: for anyone that is getting involved with an inactive witness...find out just how inactive that person is. Is her/his family witnesses? Is he still going to meetings? Is this person planning on going back? You cannot see the future, but you should be able to get picture of how life will be for you in the future if the person you plan to marry does decide to go back. Don't enter the relationship unawares.

  There is something said for people marrying those who are in the same faith. It can make several things easier. But I wouldn't recommend anyone new to JWs to getting married to one until after they have been baptised for a few YEARS. You never get how everything really is as a newbie.