An Invitation to a Wedding (page 4)

Jeannine

I think I could swallow the "make a gift donation to their Hawaii hopes" a little easier if this couple wasn't already married for ten years. If this was a young couple with little money getting married for the first time, my opinion would be that their request for donations was tacky, but understandable. If I knew the couple well (not just a seasonal co-worker as is the case in this thread) AND my husband was politely invited also, I would be inclined to make a donation towards the tacky request. Let's face it, some people are just ill-mannered. I wouldn't judge them under circumstances different than what the original poster explained. But, go back to what started this thread: a "seasonal" co-worker is asking casual associates to donate money so that she and her husband (married a whole decade) can take a vacation !! This couple also has several kids. Come on people......this is mooching at its best. Why not wait for the kids to get jobs and move out so that you can afford a vacation? That is what most couples do. This isn't about a "wedding" because this couple is already married. This isn't about a "celebration" worthy of donations because many married couples make a decade. This is about a couple that is hoping to gather enough funds to pay their monthly bills AND make it to Hawaii when they feel like going. I want to go to Hawaii too....unfortunately for me I have too much class to ask my coworkers to sponsor my trip.

rebel8

I don't like gift registries because I am an old fashioned person. I just don't believe that any mention of a gift should be made because it implies that the inviter was expecting a gift.

Having a registry is not against etiquette. Telling people you have one is against etiquette. If you have one you are not supposed to mention it unless people specifically ask you about your gift preferences. If they ask what type of gift you'd like, then it's ok to answer the question.

What is considered rude is that people put registry info in invitations, registry cards, or even tell their relatives to call up and do heavy hinting to invitees. Or with wedding web sites...if they make the registry have a prominent or primary place on the web site. That is all rude.

Sadly, people have become reliant upon the registry cards and think you didn't register if you didn't send a registry card. People used to register at popular department stores and when those who wished to purchase off it went shopping, they'd just check at the store. No hinting or pressure took place. That's how it should be, IMO.

--rebel8, of the "I've discussed this registry issue ad nauseum on etiquette forums" class

Fe2O3Girl

if you don't know someone well enough to be able to choose a gift that they would like, then you can always give money. ; In fact, if you don't know a person enough to select an appropriate gift for them, why would you be invited to the wedding in the first place?

When we married, we had a wedding list registered at a department store chain. The store gave us little cards to include with the invitations, but I consider that to be the height of bad manners. It is outrageous to expect someone to give a gift because they have been invited to the wedding, but most people do want to give a gift to newlyweds.

We don't have any friends that know us intimately enough to know exactly which bedding or china or cutlery we needed. If anyone asked, we would tell them which store had our wedding list.

Nonetheless, some people preferred to give us something they chose themselves. What we couldn't return to the store gathers dust somewhere. I did not expect anyone to give us anything. I'd rather that people save their money than give us something we did not need. I do struggle to understand what is so difficult about giving a bride and groom something they have specified they actually need or will use.

Of course, beer vouchers are always useful!

Well this thread is so old, I am sure that the renewal of vows has been and gone now. I don't think gift-giving is appropriate for renewing vows anyway - but I would love to know if all the fee-paying guests have received a nice hand-written thank-you note yet!

Jeannine

Fe203girl: There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving a gift to a wedding couple that they specified they wanted or needed. However, the gift giver should ASK the couple about their preference. Gift registry cards should never be included in wedding invitations or otherwise advertised. That is just poor form. After my wedding we ended up with a few gifts that we had no need for. But, so what? People often get unneeded or unwanted gifts for X-mas, B-days, and other events. This shouldn't give anyone the green-light to throw manners to the wind simply because it is a wedding and gift registry cards are available. Most people give money at a wedding anyway, so the possibility that the couple may recieve an unwanted gift isn't so great to justify TELLING people what they want and making sure they don't forget by adding the gift registry card in the invitation. Crass, crass, crass. Also, I know of people that are now doing Baby Shower gift registries. WTF? Half the fun of going to a baby shower is shopping for the surprise gift. So what if you end up with two crib blankets? It is not the end of the world and you've saved yourself from offending your guests (by including the gift registry in your invitation).

rebel8

Me too, Jeanne. It really bothers me when I get the registry cards. Sadly, wedding magazines and advice columnists are saying it's ok. Some etiquette stuff is really old fashioned but the registry cards thing isn't, IMO. I have been known to give etiquette books as gifts to people who are less than polite.

Sassy

It doesn't offend me to get gift registry cards.. not any more. I think when they first came out years ago I thought HUH? but then I realized it was just in many ways a help to people to pick out things that they know the couple needs..

but to be honest.. I rarely use them. I prefer my gift be hand selected..

I also would like to comment that there is a huge difference in what one would expect for a WEDDING gift, VS a renewal of vows.. If I felt $50 was good for a wedding gift (I rarely give cash), I wouldnt' expect to give so much to a renewal of vows.. really it isn't much more than a Anniversary party

and personally if I had had one (my first husband and I talked about having one), I would have asked friends to help us celebrate but actually have put on the card, no gift necessary..

Jeannine

My husband and I just reached our 13th wedding anniversary. I will be sending PMs to everyone on this board with my email address that I use with Paypal. Please send all donations to Paypal. We are trying to raise $10,000 to tour Europe next spring. Not knowing my personally doesn't matter. You know "of" me and that is good enough for me to ask you for money to support my wish to vacation. Thank you in advance for your donation.

cruzanheart

Now THAT'S chutzpah! Why don't you send them a nice book with pictures of Hawaii in it, so when they don't raise enough money for the trip they can at least look at the pictures? Or, better yet, go to a local travel agent and get some Hawaii vacation flyers so they can do a price comparison.

A friend of mine was invited to a wedding similar to that. The wedding was held in the couple's backyard (in the middle of August in Texas -- that's not cheap, it's just plain nasty). There was a cake, courtesy of a local grocery store, and the food was Italian: Stouffer's frozen lasagna, with an appetizer of a jar of black olives (unstuffed). The couple asked for money or gift cards to Lowe's and Home Depot, so they could fix up their house. My friend's boss suggested that she give the couple a set of paint brushes as a wedding gift.

And, lest you think I'm a snob looking down on these poor people -- the couple are in their 40's, she at least has a job, and he is a layabout looking for a free ride. Granted, he looks pretty good when he dresses up (makeup, dress, high heels -- but he dressed as a guy for the wedding), but I hear she's grumbling about that now that they're married so this may not last long enough for the paint brushes.

Sorry, but I think asking for money (and in your case for a vow RENEWAL) is really really tacky.

Nina

Fe2O3Girl

There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving a gift to a wedding couple that they specified they wanted or needed. However, the gift giver should ASK the couple about their preference. Gift registry cards should never be included in wedding invitations or otherwise advertised. That is just poor form.

I agree, which is why I clearly stated:

The store gave us little cards to include with the invitations, but I consider that to be the height of bad manners. ...... If anyone asked, we would tell them which store had our wedding list.

Baby Showers are a custom which unfortunately seems to be catching on here in the UK. I don't like the idea. Then again, we don't have Wedding Showers either........yet.

bem

Lisa, I was thinking since it's a re-do vows & they were tacky enough not to invite Mr.Lisa ((((((((Mr.Lisa))))))) & had the gall to ask for ticket money I would of said Honey whatcha wanna do tonight? to Oz. Since you were guilted ((((((((Lisa))))))) somewhat into going!! Please let us know how it goes? I may wan'na get married again some day. I'm ROTFL ;-) I might use this if it goes well. Happy Anniversary, (BTW isn't there a birthday coming up soon for you? or should I mention it?)

Seriously, I have no problem with a gift registry as long as I ask for the info. Especially for baby showers. And for newlyweds I think a money tree is nice. My son and his wife had one but money was not requested on the invitation and we put it on the gift table if folks wanted to add money to it they could.

xxx Dorothy

An Invitation to a Wedding

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