This is probably very immature of me, but (page 3)

Happy Guy :)

He also told me that he would have sex with me when I was passed out

Sex is by invitation. What you are describing here is rape.

Why would you want to have any type of relionship with this type of individual knowing what you now know about his character?

On a broader note I agree with the comments by Englishman. These types of discussions are flirtatiousness and to what end? It's a question you may want to find the answers to since you now treasure the relationship with Mr. C.

This type of behavior is often rooted in low self esteem.

Crumpet

So I'm just wondering why you would want to be having these sort of conversations with an ex-boy friend when the apparently so much nicer Mr. Crumpet is playing such a big part in your life?

Englishman - lots of people have asked similarly - how we can still be friends after breaking up. (And yes this is the fella I split up with over 7 years ago - ie he is ex - crumpet and mr crumpet is current crumpet of the last 7 years. am I digging myself a big hole in my choice of language here?)

I don't actually see my ex very often, but we do talk most days on the phone or by email. We're still very good friends, or so I thought. I've known him since I was 18! I've explained on other threads that having lost everyone I'd ever met, loved or known prior to the age of 16 I've always nurtured all my subsequent friendships and that would include relationships. I don't see why when you break up with someone you can't be friends, with a little work. I'm a bit of idealist, but also my friends and lovers are my family now that I don't have my real one.

And I think Mr. Crumpet is a saint to not get upset about how upset you are about this. Methinks dear heart you need to let this go.

Josie - you make a very good point. And perhaps I am not being fair to mr c - after all I would not be very happy if he got on at all with any of his ex's. However he does trust me in terms of my ex - that I would never go off with him or anything like that. He may have done in the early days, but he's known me long enough to know that I wouldn't.

happyguy - I actually feel quite sick about the thing he told me about having had sex with me when I was passed out and he said it was on more than one ocassion. I don't really think I can get my head around that just now and its not something I've told mr crumpet yet. Why in heck would someone wait all this time to tell me something like that or even do it in the first place?

I am torn between not wanting to lose a friend, but also thinking that this relationship is no healthier than it was twelve years ago when it began and that it might be better for both of us to have some distance. And yes, self esteem, or rather my lack of it, especially back then, probably has a lot to do it.

wanderlustguy

7 years ago - ie he is ex - crumpet and mr crumpet is current crumpet of the last 7 years.

Sounds like you and I have a few issues in common. my dear. You're 30...been with someone since you were 16 (assuming your age is accurate here) and never had time with just you...jumped from one relationship right into another...

I'm definately not throwing stones, as I am just now taking alone time, and have jumped from relationship to relationship seamlessly as well.

But it's something to consider. Maybe you're afraid of losing this guy because he's one of your "safety nets", one that you know will be there in case everything else falls through. It's not fair to either of you.

You don't need them, you are sufficient on your own.

WLG

Crumpet

Sounds like you and I have a few issues in common. my dear. You're 30...been with someone since you were 16 (assuming your age is accurate here) and never had time with just you...jumped from one relationship right into another...

WLG - actually your figures a bit out. I didn't have any long term relationships or serious boyfriends between 16 and 18. I did A LOT of sowing of wild oats during that period! And there was 11 months between finishing with my ex and meeting my current. I spent most of that 11 months trying to get reinstated and did no dating. Although I did still see my ex (platonically) - even took him to a meeting once as well. With my current b/f we didn't move in together until we'd been an item for 3 years so I can be self -sufficient and alone. But you do have a point re: the safety net. Given how little he respects me I'm not sure we can be friends now anyway. And I think mr crumpet would prefer me to create a distance. However I don't feel I can just drop my ex as a friend as he's going through a difficult time - he's the same age as me - still lives with his mum - he's never left home - he has huge debts around his ears, he doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment, he seems to be irrationally obsessed with me (he's better when he's seeing someone) and he has developed in the last year or so a drug habit which I'm really worried about. But then again am I helping him at all by being his shoulder to cry on over the phone, whilst he in return seems to be sticking the knife in?

Its really good to be able to hear your views and discuss, cause I don't really think its appropriate or fair to talk about much of this in such detail with mr crumpet. I think the best course of action, is to delete my ex off my phone for now, so that I'm not tempted to ring him. Tonight I will count my lucky stars that I am no longer with someone who frankly freaks me out a bit and make a fusds of my saint of a boyfriend. Its like I never knew my ex properly at all - if you'd asked me yesterday I'd have said I didnt think he was capable of being the person he seems since his unpleasant revelations, which frankly at this point I'd really rather not have known.

rebel8

He also told me that he would have sex with me when I was passed out, which sort of upset me but then I realise it was my fault really for drinking so much.

I have to agree with Happy Guy, and disagree with you, Crumpet.

Having sex with someone who didn't consent is rape. Consenting on other occassions doesn't count. Furthermore, the fact that he did it multiple times is very troubling. What kind of inhuman being would enjoy having sex with an unconscious person?

Rape is never the fault of the victim, even partially.

My advice: Stay away from this vile sleazebag.

wanderlustguy

Eh, well, can't be right all the time.

But if your intellectual side is telling you to cut it off...just do it and make the emotional side of your head take a back seat for a while.

I know it's hard, and there's probably more questions you want answered...but if you already know what you need to do...

Good Luck!

WLG

sweet tee

at this point I'd really rather not have known.

I don't understand why people tell you things that 1) are in the past 2) they know will hurt you 3) will irreperably damage the relationship ???

Englishman

Crumpet,

I suspect that this ex of yours will have a major tantrum if you decide to cut him ouut of your life totally. Be prepared for major upheavals, possible late night desperate phone calls, fake suicide attempts, the whole shebang.

This guy is a manipulator extraordinaire.His oh so late confessions are designed to get you thinking about HIM. Pure selfishness of the worst kind.

Englishman.

Happy Guy :)

Crumpet there is obviously still some emotional attachment to him and this is a difficult thing for you to do (i.e. cutting him off/out).

Hopefully if you reflect on these points it will be that much easier for you:

If he is telling the truth about what he did to you it tells you everything you need to know (and may not have known all along) about his character.

If he is lying to you to hurt you by saying he raped you when you were passed out then this tells you everything you need to know about his character.

he's the same age as me - still lives with his mum - he's never left home - he has huge debts around his ears, he doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment, he seems to be irrationally obsessed with me (he's better when he's seeing someone) and he has developed in the last year or so a drug habit which I'm really worried about.

You are not his therapist (no matter how much you hope you can be). He needs a licensed one.

Lastly, on the point of keeping things from Mr. C (presumably to avoid hurting him):

You owe Mr. C honesty. If he knew that your ex is proposing that you sleep together, Mr. C would likely ask for this relationship to end. Is this what you have been protecting? and if so why? You do not have a freindship. Freindships involve respecting other's boundaries. If your ex is asking you to sleep with him, he does not respect your boundaries and he is not asking for freindship but sex. Is there any particular reason why you would have kept this connection going? You need to explore these questions because if you do not they will continuously arise just with other people.

anewme

Dear Miss Crumpet, the truth is: a woman may take a man back after he has strayed from the relationship,
but when a woman has sex with another man the man is through with her ---even if he does not have the nerve to tell this to her face. Yes, he sees the unfairness of it all, but he cant help his feelings. He will never love that woman again. In fact he calls her a "bitch" in his heart. Unfair, but true.

Now, about your current boyfriend, how long is he going to put up with your behavoir? Most people are not comfortable with sharing their loved one with all the past lovers.

Could alcohol be playing a bigger role in your problems than you'd like to admit?
It can interfere with spirituality and emotions and seeing things clearly and with moving on to maturity.

I'm only giving you the good advice I was given myself love.
Best wishes,
Anewme

This is probably very immature of me, but

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