Who needs all that time to conduct these parts? I can get it all done in about 5 to 10 minutes! Lemme try...
10 min: Local announcements. Read accounts report and donation acknowledgements.
Here is our accounts report thingy. First of all, you guys haven't been giving us enough cash. Our expenses for the month were $729. We recieved $129.42. I know being a pioneer with six kids makes things difficult, but we need that cash for the Kingdom Hall. Little Billy can wear his shoes until his toes pop out the front. I think you should listen to the song "Low Budget" by the Kinks.
Also, the Society charged us for $324.83 for literature. We recieved $84.91. I know gas is expensive, but we need to save people from Armageddon.
18 min: Local needs.
Where the fuck is everyone? I'm guessing they're all home sick. I'll be making some visits, so you guys better smarten up! The Circuit Overseer is coming too. He'll give you sporatic meeting attenders a swift kick in the ass back to the Kingdom Hall.
20 min: "Kingdom Preaching-A Precious Privilege."* When discussing paragraph 4, review the special provision for reporting field service time in 15-minute increments by those who are very limited by advanced age or health problems.-See the October 2002 Our Kingdom Ministry, p. 8, par. 6.
To all you crusty old brothers and sisters, you need to make the provision from the society regarding your 15 minute field service times useful. Perhaps you can witness to the person who brings you your mush every morning. I'm going to give a demonstration with a sock puppet...
SOCK: Here's your mush
ME: Here, take these magazines
SOCK: Why?
ME: If you don't take them, you're gonna die
SOCK: I think you're more at risk than I am
ME: No I'm not. I have the truth
SOCK: Okay, see you again tomorrow.
So, the lesson here is if you can have a conversation like this with your socks everyday, you'll reach the 15 minute provision.
Song 204 and concluding prayer
Now let's stand and sing song 204 entitled "Socks, Magazines and Mush - Oh My!"
