WOL Stepper
posted 07-21-2001 01:17 AM
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A typical Voyager episode
For those who don't have time to watch "Voyager" here is a typical episode which sums up everything you need to know about the series:
Opening scene:
the bridge. Janeway sitting in chair.
Paris:
Captain, there's a huge anomaly 200,000 kilometres off our port bow!
Tuvok:
Sensors indicate a temporal anomaly, Captain.
Chakotay:
Maybe we should back off.
Janeway:
No. We are Starfleet. Our mission is to explore. Set a course towards the anomaly.
Neelix:
N--n--n--o...w--w--w--ait just a darned minute there...
Everybody ignores Neelix.
Paris: Course laid in, captain.
Janeway:
Engage manoeuvring thrusters.
Tuvok:
Captain, an object is emerging!
A mysterious glowing cloud on the screen. The cloud parts and the Energizer Bunny (TM) emerges.
Janeway:
My Goodness! It just keeps on going and going and going...
Tuvok:
You recognise this object. captain?
Janeway: Of course. It is an essential part of Earth cultural history. It symbolises the indomitable will of the human race to prevail.
Chakotay:
My people have similar spiritual symbols, but better.
Tuvok:
Captain, we are being hailed.
Janeway:
By the bunny?
Tuvok [with distaste]:
By the...bunny, yes.
Janeway:
Open a channel.
A muffled "boom...boom...boom" is heard.
Janeway:
Yes...yes... that's precisely the sound...
Chakotay:
Wait a minute captain. Don't you notice something wrong...
Everybody notices that the drumming has an irregular beat.
Janeway:
Look! He's missing one of his front paws. We have to help!
Tuvok:
Captain, the Prime Directive...
Janeway interrupts:
Forget the Prime Directive. One bunny to beam directly to sickbay. Energize!
Paris:
Transport complete.
Cut to sickbay. Bunny materialises on a diagnostic couch. Kes looks up in surprise, then activates the Doctor.
Doctor:
State the nature of the medical emergency!
Kes:
I don't know, this...thing just appeared.
Doctor:
Ah. It appears to be a mechanical rabbit.
Janeway [over intercom]: Doctor, do you have your patient?
Doctor:
Possibly. Are you referring to this mechanical rodent?
Janeway:
Yes. You have to help.
Doctor:
I shall do my best.
Doctor scans bunny with tricorder. Suddenly bunny's eyes glow bright red. A booming voice emanates from it.
Bunny:
NO! YOU ARE NOT READY!
Doctor:
Ready for what?
Bunny:
FOR ANYTHING!
Doctor:
Possibly.
Bunny:
I AM THE LAST REPRESENTATIVE OF A 10,000,000,000 YEAR OLD CIVILISATION THAT ONCE RULED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. I CREATED YOUR RACE AND ALL OTHER SENTIENT CREATURES. BUT YOU ARE NOT READY FOR ME.
Doctor:
I see. But you have a wounded paw.
Bunny looks at paw.
Bunny:
OH SO I DO. WELL THAT WAS JUST A PLOT DEVICE TO GIVE THE CAPTAIN AN EXCUSE TO BEAM ME ONTO THE SHIP. FORGET IT.
Doctor:
I see.
Kes:
What do you want us to do, you cute little thing?
Bunny:
THIS WOMAN'S KIND WORDS HONOUR ME. I GRANT YOU THREE WISHES.
Kes:
OK, my first wish is that Neelix had better hair.
Bunny:
GRANTED.
Suddenly Neelix rushes in. He now has normal hair instead of the mop that usually clings to his head.
Neelix:
Doctor, help me! I've just had this horrible transformation. I was in the middle of cooking some Xzsadgfghsalxian tomato soup when my hair changed to this horrible mess.
Kes:
It was me, Neelix. I asked the Bunny to give you normal hair.
Neelix:
But you don't understand. Every species is different. It's our differences that make us unique. They are something to be cherished, not rejected. Without my hair, I'm not ME anymore...sob...Why I'm so annoyed I wish you had a foot long nose.
Bunny:
GRANTED!
Kes has a foot long nose.
Kes:
How could you do that. I love you Neelix, but sometimes you're such a childish man.
Neelix:
Forgive me, Kes. Love is like that sometimes. Relationships are so difficult. That's why we have television, to explain it all to us. Now I wish we were both back to normal.
Bunny:
GRANTED.
Kes and Neelix both go back to normal.
Doctor:
What a shame you didn't think of using one of those wishes to get us home.
Kes and Neelix totally ignore him as they embrace to make up for their quarrel.
Bunny:
THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO RETURN!
Doctor:
Return where?
Bunny:
WHERE I CAME FROM!
Bunny dematerialises in a weird cloud of green gas, which slowly dissipates.
Janeway and Chakotay rush in just as the last of the gas disappears.
Janeway:
What happened? Report!
Doctor:
The patient has departed.
Janeway:
Oh no, you mean he died?
Doctor:
Not exactly...
Chakotay interrupts:
Don't try to explain, Doctor. Death is a great mystery. Among my people it is to be contemplated, not discussed. This is a solemn moment. We must honour the cosmic bunny.
Doctor looks as if he's about to speak, then thinks better of it.
Janeway:
Life is such a wonderful mystery isn't it? I never thought I'd get to meet the Energizer Bunny and then when I finally met him, he died... I feel a much richer person for the experience.
Chakotay:
We all are, captain.
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Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes
How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Aproximately One Point Zero Zero Zero Zero .......
How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb?
The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb!
How many FIRST OFFICERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb and five to stand around posturing.
How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb?
Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon Warrior is not
afraid of the dark!
How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb?
I sense it has already changed.
How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it and the other to execute it for failure.
How many ACTING ENSIGNS does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he'll whine about having to do it.
How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb?
We have been gone for a while, but we have returned to change it.
How many FEDERATION SHUTTLE PILOTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Ooooops! I dropped it!
How many Q's does it take to change a light bulb?
Here, now, Wouldn't you rather have this Super-Nova?
How many ODO's does it take to change a light bulb?
I will change IN TO the light bulb.
How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb?
1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......
How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it and the other to sell the broken one to an
unsuspecting customer.
How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to do it and the other to moan "darkness, I sense darkness"!
How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.
How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb?
No, no. no. The light bulb has to _want_ to change first.
How many FIRST OFFICERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally one, but if that is Riker it then it takes 2, Riker to pose while
the other changes the light bulb.
How many FERENGI does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to screw it in and another to sell tickets to watch.
How many DOCTOR McCOYS does it take to change a light bulb?
damnit Jim; I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician"!
How many TREKKERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Okay, so ,y'know, like, in that episode wher Spock gets attacked by those
vomit looking things, and, like, he starts doing weird stuff, like, he
takes over the ship and it gets Kirk really mad, so they find out that
they can use this super-bright light, but it was bogus, 'cause McCoy used
the wrong kind of light, and it makes Spock blind ,so, like......what kind
of light bulb are you talking about?
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What If Data Ran Windows 95?
Worf
Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
Picard
On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
Picard
Data, what's wrong here?
Data
Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
Picard
Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
Picard
Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
Data
Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
Worf
Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
Picard
Shields up!
Data
I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Picard
What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
Data
I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LaForge
Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
Data
The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
Picard
Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
Picard
Up, Data!
Data
Aye, sir.
Riker
All decks, damage report!
Worf
Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
Data
Shields are now up, captain.
Picard
And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
Worf
Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
Picard
Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
Data
I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
Picard
Well, damn it, install the right one.
Data
Please insert Setup Implant
Picard
Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
Riker
I left them with Geordi.
LaForge
[in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
Picard
Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
Data
Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant
Picard
Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant
Data
Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
Picard
Abort!
Data
Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
Picard
Well, fail, then!
Data
Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LaForge
[alarmed] Data, what on earth are you doing?
Picard
Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
Riker
Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
Picard
What's going on?
LaForge
[checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
Picard
These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
Ferengi
[with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
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What Goes Up Must Come Down
