My JW wifes mother has died.

Gordy

I have just heard today that my wifes mother has died suddenly of a heart attack. She was either in her late 60's or early 70's.
She was a JW though an inactive one. She was baptised about 15 years ago.
As with my wife she had no contact with me. I have not seen her since 1996. Of course as of this moment I don't know about funeral arrangements.
Having been to a couple of JW funerals since I left.
They were funerals of very close friends of my wife and I.
Yet even at these my wife ignored me. As did all the other JW's in attendance.

I have to say that at the moment I am not inclined to attend any funeral.
Firstly as said because I know what kind of reception I would get, even from my wife. I even learnt of the death through a third party.

Secondly, I am not inclined to go to a Kingdom Hall and listen to a service based on beliefs I no longer agree with. My wife refused to come to our sons wedding for the same reason and because it was in a church.
Would it be hypocrital of me to sit there and listen to them go on about how she is now "asleep in death, and waiting for a resurrection to a paradise earth".
I also don't wish my presence to make things awkward at such a time.

Anyone any thoughts on the situation?

jgnat

It sounds like your wife would not take your presence as a source of comfort. Do you wish to pay your respects to your mother in law? Maybe visit her gravesite later with a friend or two.

R6Laser

Sorry to hear about yor loss.

But why are you waiting on other people to make decisions for you? Do whatever feels right for you, don't have that mentality to wait on someone to tell you what to do.

Momofmany

Funerals are for the living. If going would bring no comfort to you, or your wife, then why go? If you wish to say goodbye, do it after the fact. I found that going to the grave afterwards, you are able to talk to them better. My mother had an elder come to the funeral home for my dad's funeral. I stayed at home with the children. (long story, but briefly, I don't go to funerals, I always go to the site afterwards.)

Hope this is some help.

Gordy

But why are you waiting on other people to make decisions for you? Do whatever feels right for you, don't have that mentality to wait on someone to tell you what to do.

I'm not waiting on others to make the decision for me. If you had read the posting you would see that I already have.

What I was pointing out is the dilemma that JW's put people in because of their attitude.

As said by jgnat my presence would not add any comfort to my wife and probably put a strain on the situation. Who knows if I did attend I might get into an argument with some JW and make the day worse for all. Many know of my open opposition to their teachings. I also do not see the point of visiting the gravesite either, I very rarely saw my mother-in-law anyway.

Gee

The Jehovah's Witnesses believe that the dead are conscious of nothing.

Therefore, what's the point of attending except to be ignored by the living as well.

Let her be and live in the memory.

Dawn

Gordy: I think you have gotten a lot of good advice here already. Best advice - do what you feel is best. Look down the road to a year from now - which decision would have been the best one? Only you can decide that.

I know the situation you are in. When my JW-elder father passed away I helped my mother take care of all the funeral arrangements, helped pay for the flowers and burial services, etc. And I went the funeral because I thought I should out of respect for my dad and because my mom wanted me there. It was absolutely one of the worse experiences in my life. To be in so much pain, suffering loss, and then be stomped on by "true christians" who would not speak to me but spent plenty of time staring at us during the memorial service. But years later, I'm glad I made that decision because my son and my mother needed me there.

When my brother (also a JW elder) was killed, same thing. It was out of the country and his daughter (not a JW) called me and asked me to go with her to help take care of the funeral and his belongings. I did. And I went to the service, again "out of respect" - and was asked to leave immediately when it was over and not speak to anyone. Can't you feel the love? Again, just a few years later, I'm glad I made that decision - my neice needed my support.

My mother is quite elderly (in her 70's), and I know the time is coming when I will again be taking care of funeral arrangements. I will take care of the arrangements (she has made me her executor), and make sure she has a memorial service at the KH (she's a faithful JW still) complete with beautiful flowers, pictures of her life, everything she would want. However, unless my son needs me there - I will not go. And I can say that years down the road, I will not regret that decision either.

Bottom line - funerals are for a banding together of the ones left behind. A time to grieve and support each other. If there is noone there that you feel needs your support - it may be best to spare yourself their "love by shunning" - and say goodby to her in your own way.

BluesBrother

As somebody has said, funerals benefit the living, not the dead. If I were in that situation I would offer to go if my wife would prefer that I were there. If there is a journey, I might even offer to travel along and find something else to do while they are doing it, If that would help. It is all about supporting the living

Your wife has lost her mother, which is a stressful time.

Gordy

Thanks to you all for your comments.

I have decided not to attend the funeral. Mainly based on that it would not be beneficial to anyone there, or to myself. As said such events are to give comfort to the living. How much comfort could I give by being there, it may upset my wife even more. No JW would be able to express sympathy to me, because they would not be allowed to speak to me. I would probably not be invited to any after funeral buffet either.

Also I would have to listen to someone going on about how she no longer exists, but is "alive" in Jehovah's memory awaiting resurrection to a paradise earth.

One thing did annoy me. My 17 yr old, non-JW son, had to call me at midnight the night it happened, to tell me. He then had to call his older exJW brother to tell him. I was asked to call my exJW daughter to tell her. Why? Because his mother,my JW wife (maybe understandable with her), or his two older JW sisters (28,20) could not speak to us. There is just no leeway with these people.

. I'm sure those who were JW's on here understand better than those who are not how complicated the Watchtower can make our lives, even over themost simple thngs.

Anyway again I thank you all for your thoughts and comments

hamsterbait

What gets me over the whole shunning thing is that if a relative dies, and they think that they will get money, they do speak to the wicked ones.

Like Garybuss said, his son shunned him one day then went to him for money or to borrow his car the next.

HB

My JW wifes mother has died.

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