Hello everybody. I have been lurking at these sites for a while and have finally decided to post. Forgive me for not wanting to give any clues as to my identity, but I am still struggling as a fence-sitter - knowing how I feel but not wanting to be cut off from my family and friends. So my meeting attendance is sporadic; when I go to the meetings I am told "I'm worried about you" or "where have you been, your wife has been coming by herself". I try to answer with a positive: "Why would you be worried about me? I'm doing great.", but of course that only seems to increase the curiosity.
Just to give a run down, I was born into "the truth". I have been on several assembly parts, I pioneered for 3 and a half years, read the watchtower, gave impromptu's, etc, all before I was twenty. My change of thinking has been slow and a long time coming. I guess it started at pioneer school. I was asked to give prayer unexpectedly in front of the class, the two circuit overseers, and also the two service meetings which had joined us. After years of being on the platform, I suddenly broke down and had a severe panic attack. It was humiliating to say the least. I barely got through the prayer, and everyone acted kind of like they had just seen a freak show. To be fair, the one CO gave me a hug afterwards and told me I did a good job. From there on out, I started having the same problem, sometimes while trying to read the text at a service meeting, sometimes while trying to give a talk on the Ministry School. I eventually started avoiding any public speaking or reading. (Can you imagine doing this as an active JW?) Well, I pulled it off. I even kept pioneering while finding excuses to leave hundreds of service meetings when I thought I would be called on. I eventually dropped off the list when I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I also started drinking - only binging once in a while with my pioneer partner, but then slowly and steadily turning to alcohol to try to lessen my anxiety. I even tried having a few drinks before meetings so I could get through my responsibilities. It has been a long and destructive process. I have been told I didn't have enough faith, or I just needed to study more, or that I had a guilty conscience. Of course, it only showed me that I was not dealing with anyone who was qualified to speak on my problems. Eventually, I started wondering why I was having such trouble fitting in. I wondered how the one true organization could not have room for someone like me. I started purposely associating with ones who seemed to be avoided by the rest of the congregation. I got disciplined for eating publicly with one of my friends who was disfellowshipped.
At this point, I am suffering from severe anxiety, to the point that I avoid any situation where I even feel like people are looking at me. I also struggle with my drinking problem, and I feel that I am losing the battle most of the time. As silly as it sounds, I am reluctant to make any permanent break with the group as a whole. I don't blame anyone for my problems; I think I am responsible for my own actions, but I can't help but wonder how many people have left feeling depressed and unhappy with themselves simply because they couldn't fit in to this particular and peculiar social setting. I plan to write more - right now it is late...
I do appreciate all the posts I have read and the individuality I have seen on this board and others.