UBM's

carla

Does it seem like your past with your spouse is slowly being erased? Do they remember earlier times? Does it seem they are not allowed to or should not even think of time before becoming a jw? what does the loss of history do to your relationship? I find all of it quite devastating. It's almost like living with someone with alzhiemers. I mean no offense to those truly dealing with the terrible disease. I just mean the loss seems like it could be somewhat similar. When you have a relative with alzhiemers slowly they no longer know or remember you. With a jw spouse slowly the relationship erodes and you know longer reallly know each other and the jw doesn't remember life before becoming a jw.

kls

Oh Carla , i feel your pain and know how deep it hurts . It is like watching the person you love slowly fade away to someone you have no idea who they are. They become cold , hard , defensive ,combative,estranged from family and wonder if they really care if we take another breath, i could go on and on.

Yes Carla , we have memories that we long for so much but they have become dead to our loved ones.

((((((((((((((((My heart breaks for you and others like us)))))))))))))))

95stormfront

Yes!!!!!!!!!

I experience exactly what you're talking about.

Whenever my SO talks about things we used to do or had planned to do, it is never the things we talked about or planned before both she and I was baptised into the troof. It's almost like the eight years we were together before she found the "troof" doesn't even exist. Of course when this type of subject does come up, because I'm totally out, it's usuallly with the caveate of trying to invoke guilt in me by claiming that we were so much happier then and that my not making meetings or being the "spiritual head" ala WT style is the gist of the problems.

It's always myself that has to bring her up to speed on the things we talked about doing when we first met and during the courtship long before she decided she wanted to be a witness again.....and remind her that those things I still want to do.

FlyingHighNow

My ex husband, a jw, only remembered the bad things and mistakes I made. That's why he is my ex.

Andrea Wideman

I was the JW and my spouse was the one raised in it. You are correct that you find yourself trying to not remember events. This actually affected my kids more because when I was really deep in JW teaching I wouldn't want to sit down and look at photo albums of earlier days when we did holidays. I wouldn't want to discuss those times. I didn't say that to them but now I realize what I was doing. I am very glad I am out and that I really didn't forget those happy holiday times. Now the next time we look at the family album I can share more about what happened.
The best way I can think of to preserve those memories without JW editing is to write them down now before they get diluted to you too. When kids were small I kept a notebook so we could remember their babyhood and now I can use it as help to fully remember the little details that are so important to a family history. Also just by praying and asking for God's assistance can help you in this troubled time.

OldSoul

It is starting in my family, too. Fortunately, she refuses to give up experimentation w/ sex.

I am hoping to keep at least that segment of our lives untainted by the CULTure of Jehovah's Witnesses.

But, she is starting to study the Bible on her own, something I feared she may never do. If she keeps that up, she will revert to doctrines taught more than 100 years ago! I know, 'cause the Watchtower said so. They are scared to death of real students.

Cure for GBItis? Bible study. So, the way out of the bOrg initially called Bible Students is through Bible Study. A slight hint of irony there?

Respectfully,
OldSoul

Finally-Free

I converted to JW-ism in my mid-twenties. After that any time I spoke to another JW and mentioned something in my "former life" they acted like it was insignificant. Many times I was told I should "forget the past", as though my pre-JW life was meaningless. I was offended by this. I was not about to rip 25 years of memories and life experience out of my mind and trash it simply because someone else said I should. It was difficult enough to lose all my friends and have very strained family relationships because I was a JW, and I resented the implication that there was something wrong with me simply because I had some fond memories that I wanted to keep. Even my wife destroyed the only picture I had of my pre-JW days. It was a poster size picture of me and 4 friends on our motorcycles, and was my only link with the first 25 years of my life.

Then when I DA'd she barely tolerated my existence, and after 16 years of marriage all was forgotten. We no longer had anything in common, and we couldn't talk about anything without arguing. I eventually had to leave to maintain my sanity, such as it is.

W

Scully

I've seen this mentality played out in a different way.

One of my JW friends from my late teens had done some "experimenting" outside The Truth™ during a period of Inactivity™ that coincided with some Rebelliousness™ and travelling overseas.

When she came home, she decided to become Active™ again and eventually ended up Pioneering™. She moved in with another Pioneer™ and they stayed together for a long time, until they both ended up getting married. Their partnership almost came to an end though, when my friend's Pioneer Partner™ decided to help her "get over the past and start fresh" by burning all of my friend's photo albums, film negatives, scrap books, love letters, framed pictures of a Worldly™ ex-boyfriend, etc. Her rationale was that all these material possessions threatened to create a "selfish longing" for my friend's Worldly™ past, and could potentially make her leave The Truth™. The only things that were "spared" were JW-related mementos.

Even as a JW at the time, I thought that was highly offensive and incredibly stupid and intrusive.

DanTheMan

People lose their sense of independence and autonomy when they join a cult. The convert's identity becomes so tied up with the group that their pre-cult life becomes hazy and insignificant to them in a very short period of time.

JW's often ask each other how long they have been in The Truth™, and when a convert recounts any past experiences in conversation with his JW friends, they will often add something like "of course that was before I got the truth". It becomes this whole before-and-after point in their life. And some JW's celebrate the anniversary of the day they were baptized, some even going to the extreme of saying they are X years old according to how long they have been a JW. Barf.

95stormfront

Even as a JW at the time, I thought that was highly offensive and incredibly stupid and intrusive.

Not even all JWs feel about it this way. In fact, I suspect that the vast majority of them would stand shoulder to shoulder with what that "Pioneer sister" did.

when my wife first started studying, I had a very expensive class ring with an astrological sign on it, a plaque with that same sign, and a very extensive library of books in the horror suspense genre. As her study progressed, I found that a bunch of my things were disappearing little by little. When I confronted her about it, she trotted out the tired JW lines about them potentially being conduits for demons to enter our home based upon her studies and the opinions of the pioneers she was studying with.

I was furious !!!!! But, as expected, it was spinned in such a way that I was the one making much ado about nothing.

But, when I started throwing away her precious mags and bound volumes, it was only then that she realized how intrusive and offensive her actions were.

The disappearance of that class ring is still a very sore spot with me.

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