One thing I noticed when working with abuse survivors was that once they got out of their families they didn't want to even think about the abuse. They just wanted to have a chance to live.
I would have to say that I noticed this too. It was kind of backwards to how you described it for me. Looking back, at first it was all about survival. I had too much faith in people to be angry and I was so naive that I really could not believe that I was not as bad as I was told I was. I still thought and wholeheartedly believed I was not good enough.
Then I acted out in a wave of confusion and made a big mess of my life. This time thinking that for the entire price I had paid, and then I might of well have gotten into some trouble and had some so called worldly fun while I was at it.
But then there are those who at some point it just hits them. All the anger, abandonment due to the shunning, the loss of family and good friends. It can be overwhelming.
Then after making a mess and acting the way a lot of people would act having come from such a "whacked out” world, well then I woke up and realized it was not me, and I really was not all that they had said. I learned to accept the life I had been given and I saw that despite of it all or maybe TO spite it all I had succeeded. I cried a lot. I got help thru the depression.
I stopped all the crazy things I would do and I learned to like myself. That was something I had never learned to do. It is hard to like yourself when from a child on up, you have been treated as a really foul red-headed stepchild. Like something to be tolerated...people can be so cruel. This was before being disfellowshipped too when the shunning began. I can remember it as far back as 7 or 8 years old.
If you don't fit as a witness, you may as well as expect to be disfellowshipped. Just walk away. There is a whole world out there that can take you in. Sad thing is many people do not see past what is here and now. I strongly admonish anyone who is still in, and feels like they cannot fit...just turn and leave it. Each one of you is worth so much more. One day of unconditional love is worth so much more than all of the half assed love that is given out of duty.
You know, loving yourself, and loving your life feels so good. Now when people I make relationships with accept me be it a good or a bad past, it makes it all the more special. No pretentiousness and no lies. Just love. And I can have a bad day and people still love me. I can get tootled and make bad moves sexually and I don't have to pay for the rest of my life beyond the risk that anyone takes being stupid. I don't have to loose everyone I know when I make a bad decision.
What have you done to deal with the surfacing issues and feelings?
I would suggest anyone go to a counselor. Once you find out what you are prone to do, it is easier to avoid it. It looses some of the appeal when all the crazy behavior is predictable. It makes the process a lot less hurtful and seeing we had a whole organization brainwash us for years, what is the harm and getting some help to see where the programming happened and get the tools to turn it all around.
It makes the process a lot easier with some help.
I personally did it all backwards and have repercussions I have to take now due to my actions and being uninformed. So avoid the EXTRA HURT if you can and go talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, companion that was not a witness, or one that has it figured out. Think about it. They have spent many a year learning how to help people that were twisted and abused like us. We spent our time knocking on doors and they spent their time learning how to help victims become survivors, and productive parts of society.
