I guess to a degree I do get sick of talking about it. But to another and far greater degree I feel like I never really have talked about it, and instead have tried to forget it. I "fell out" a few years ago (well 1 and a half) when a friend tried to commit suicide, and I was involved. I became heavily involved with this "friend"; throughout our youth we had talked a great deal online, debating why or why we did not believe, as I did with many people. I was always drawn to people who were questioning and doubting because I was in the same boat as well, although I still had a strong desire to do the "right thing", and still had a strong faith in Jehovah...in his existence. And to a degree that image...of a caring, and greater being is still real to me, but I have eliminated some of the bs that goes with it (unsuccessfully or successfully, you decide, ha). I'm actually agnostic right now, and am beginning to believe in this moment that that image is just an embodiment of everything that I am, or wish to be...of my desire for peace, and for tolerance (neither of which are part of the organization, especially the latter). This is liberating...revealing all of this. It feels like the further out I get the healthier and more self-accepting I become...I can view myself in a positive light. I am me and it is okay. And then to another degree I feel guilty. I feel very guilty admitting that my upbringing had any effect on me. I feel guilty admitting that I resent "the truth", and in a related and slightly unrelated way, that I resent my verbally abusive mother, because to me that is sin. Admitting...not that we are weak, but that we have significant problems, significant feelings. We've been taught we had the best of the best. How can I look at all these people who are suffering...people I talk to everyday and admit that I am one of them when I was given "the chance of a lifetime"? Tonight at work I was talking to one of my coworkers who revealed to me the fact that she was taken out of her adopted home at age 9 and sent to 72 foster homes from that point on...until she was 18. I felt ashamed that I had ever considered any passage or period of my life a difficult one, a struggle. It is very difficult for me right now...and I can relate to a lot of your situations. I am only 18 at the moment and I am threatened on a continual basis...my mother hates me, literally (I'm sure of it), and threatens everyday to kick me out; my father, however, does not want me to leave. I am trying to move out right now, but I am finding it extremely difficult to meet new people to move in with; I am finding it very difficult to be honest, open, and most importantly, comfortable, in my everyday surroundings; my parents are still very restrictive. I do have a boyfriend, an ex Jdub as well, but his parents would disown him if we were to move in together. Somehow I've avoided the big D, but only because I am a private person; I need to be. Anyway, if you did read all of this, this is my life story...most of the time...ha. Sorry for unloading this on all of you...it's just difficult, as you know. I hope the best for everyone here. (By the way, I'm new).
