Wow, I feel your pain. Trust me I do. I'm new at this too. I just joined the site today, very skecptical just like you.
I was born and raised in the religion, I know nothing else but that, I've never celebrated a holiday nor a birthday.
I'm trying to intergrate in the "World" and i'm finding it to be hard. I feel as though I don't fit in. But then again I was never able to fit in at the KH.
I know very well the pain that your feeling in dissapointing your mom. For I have the same problem with mines. I love my mother with all my heart, I would lay my life down for her, but unfortunetley I've let her down, I never became the beloved by everyone regular pioneer or the one that stayed a virgin until marriage or much less the one that marrys a young spiritual bethalight.
I have left the religion, because I can not stand the hypocrate people that run the organization.
The only thing I could tell you is to go by what you know. The JW religion has many faults just like all the religions in the world, but one good thing I did learn form them is history, all of the national holidays have a very awfal begining. As for you letting your children partake in these pagain holidays, is totally up to you, but just remember this, how would you feel if you've lost someone very dear to you like for example your mother, to some terible act of volicen, then the people that commited the violent act begin to rejoice and celebrate thier victory. as time goes by people soon begin to forget and take your mothers death as a day for celebration with little or no respect to the actual reality that a human life was take so violently, and that you and all of her loved ones suffered.
Just keep in mind that all of this holidays come from acient civilizations where people acted more like animals than people, in a time when human life was viewed as kills a roach. not taking into consideration that human suffering was taking place.
As for being scared of spirits; don't be. Yes we all know that Satan and his demons exsist as well as Jehova and his many legens for angels, just remember to always respect them and they will in turn respect you. When I say respect I mean don't do thing to anger them, spirits are around us 24 / 7 they walk with us sleep and live with us, at times you may even see them, when that happens don't get scared that just means that they are trying to communicate with you. If your strong and willing you can listen to them, they won't hurt you unless you let them.
The spirits are another life form, look at them as if they were aliens for another planet, they are made of a different material than us but they are here as well because they are a creation of Jehovah, If there is one thing that i've learned about the spirits is that they are just like us humans, as humans we have the power to love and to hate, we have the ability to distroy or to care for. We have the power to take life and to give life, the same is true within the spirit realm. the spirit have the same ability they can harm us if they are disrespected as well as they can help us and guide us if we allow them to. Just remember that good and bad exsist in everyone and everything. Just remember the next time you feel alone don't be ashame to pray to jehovah and ask him to send you an angel for he will, jehovah will not forsake you just because you don't attend a JW meeting, he loves us all, and what jehovah looks for is person who is good in the heart, not a person that can put on the best act at a KH. I too fear the armagedon, but i truly believe that if i remain true to myself and live life and respect all living things and things around me then no sin can be found in me.
Enjoying life and the pleasure that are in it are not a sin, as long as i'm not inflicting an unwanted misory or unwanted pain to someone else in my pursute of happiness and pleasue then i know that i'm not sinning. for if his allowed it to exsist for this long, then he must to a certain extent agree with it. Don't be afraid of the armageden, for "IF" it comes, no harm will come to you or your family as long as you remain good in your heart.
Sincerely,
Your friend in pain
New Horizon.
