I realised at the age of 39 that I had never actually grieved or felt genuine sadness at the loss of anyone.
Yes, because of witness culture and "protocol", I never cried or allowed myself to mourn a loss.
That changed when I awoke to the truth about the truth, and the reality that this is our life NOW (not some utopian panda patting paradise)
My uncle's funeral was the first time I was at a funeral that didn't follow the usual prescribed witness script. It was truely a cathartic experience. Sad, yes, but cathartic and therapeutic