To find out exactly what forgiveness is, we looked in the dictionary and found these definitions: (a) to cease to feel resentment against an offender; (b) to give up claim of requital from an offender; to grant relief from payment.
There are, then, two elements in what we call forgiveness. One is that you give up your anger and no longer hold the abuser to blame; you excuse them for what they did to you. The other element is that you no longer try to get some kind of compensation from the abuser. You give up trying to get financial compensation, a statement of guilt, an apology, respect, love, understanding ? anything. Separating these two aspects of forgiveness makes it possible to clarify what is and what is not necessary in order to heal from child sexual abuse.
It is true that eventually you must give up trying to get something back from the abuser. This process need not be hurried. It is appropriate and courageous to fight back any way you choose. However, at some point, trying to get from abusers what they aren?t going to give keeps you trapped. There comes a time when what you feel about the abuser is less important than what you feel about yourself, your current life, and your future. The abuser is not your primary concern. You say, 'I am my primary concern. Whether the abuser rots or not, I?m going on with my own life.'?
This stance is not incompatible with anger. And none of this pardons or excuses the abuser.
When a friend inadvertently hurts our feelings and apologizes, we forgive her. We no longer blame her. The relationship is mended. We are reconciled and we continue with trust and respect, without residual anger between us. This kind of forgiveness ? giving up anger and pardoning the abuser, restoring a relationship of trust ? is not necessary in order to heal from the trauma of being sexually abused as a child.?
If at some point in your healing, you come to feel compassion or understanding for your abuser, that's fine. It's a personal decision, not the goal of healing. It is not essential to your own recovery.
There is only one essential forgiveness you must have to heal from child sexual abuse, and that is forgiveness for yourself. If you?re struggling with shame, you will need to forgive the child inside of you for having been vulnerable, for having needed attention and affection. You?ll have to forgive your adult self for the ways you coped, for the mistakes you?ve made. But you do not have to forgive your abuser.
I think it's worth noting that Davies is speaking specifically regarding recovery from the abuse... not regarding other coices one might make in the futre, post-recovery.
