@ExBethelitenowPIMA
When I first was going through what you are, I didn't know where to end up. Finally I decided, I just don't know. Maybe there is something after we die, maybe there isn't. I will find out, or won't, after I'm dead. I do believe there is a greater power than us. But I don't hold to this idea that we know what the power is doing, did, does or will do. Granted you were/are much more into the religion more than I ever was. Being raised as a JW, it never gave me some relief, or security. It was always very trying, difficult, embarrassing at times to be involved. No "blessing" ever happened to me that was supposed to happen because I gave up fun for theocratic activities. All I ended up with was wasted time. So there is the aspect that you have to go through that I did not. I didn't have this sense of difficulty leaving and genuinely don't know how hard that must be for you and anyone else that did. I had relief and you have despair. I probably can't understand the apprehension that must cause.