Posts by outbutnotdown

117

Vigil for my daughter, please.

by outnfree in

as mentioned in my other thread, my daughter lena is having brainsurgery on monday, jan 24. the surgery will last 6-7 hours, so i'm hoping the board members will be willing to make a special effort tomorrow to send positive thoughts, healing energy, good wishes and prayers her way.

we are asking that the surgeon's hands be delicate and skillful and that lena does not bleed overmuch and that brain damage be minimal (if not non-existant).

surgery begins at 8 am eastern standard time (us), but we have to have her to the hospital by 6 am, so this is "good night!

outbutnotdown

outnfree,

Great to hear the wonderful news!!

Brad

48

Got An Award Today

by Valis in

jw
friends

.

sincerely,.

district overbeer "moss is gathering" class

outbutnotdown

You mean you don't just sit around and help us with our problems?

Congrats, Valis.

Brad

24

Judge fines mother $10,000 for 'alienation'...

by orbison11 in

this is a bit of a long post, but couldn't copy addy, .

it is good for the canadian parents here who are fighting to see their children and they are having their children's minds poisoned by the custodial parent.... a good case in canada.

you are the custodial parent.

outbutnotdown

LittleToe,

Damn women, eh?!?!

Sorry to hear about your predicament. In a way I guess it is good that you never had any children, if she was that way.

As for me, if I never had children in that relationship, it would have been a TOTAL waste. Besides, they're pretty damn cute kids. They were with me tonight.

I try not to think too much about it, coz I feel like a mug!

Don't be too hard on yourself. While I'm sure you were not blameless in the relationship/breakup, some people are certainly bigger pricks/bitches than others. It doesn't always take two.... at least not two people of equal character.

Brad

35

might go back to the meetings - what am I getting myself into?

by jwbot in

jw
friends

well my sister and her husband are now working towards figuring out the custody issues and divorce.

both being very civil about it.

my sister will most likely be disfellowshipped as she is with another man (a very nice british guy, actually).. .

outbutnotdown

jwbot,

What your sister is doing makes a little more sense when you explain her being abused in the past. It is good for you to support her. I just hope your support will include telling her the things that she might not WANT to hear, but will do her good.

I hope she does go through with getting the counselling she needs. I thought sixofnine's comment was appropriate:

But this *explosion* to freedom, will give her room to grow, if she will take the opportunity.

I'm not sure that she needs the "explosion", but since she seems set on taking that route, it wiil certainly allow her to see both sides of being with her hubby and being away from her hubby.

I feel for him the most. Hopefully he can be assured that it is not so much anything "wrong" with him as it is that your sister needs to find her way.

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

PointBlank,

I think that was the one that Elsewhere posted earlier as well. I didn't know that a paternity test was that easy. It's good to know, since ensuring that my ex not know is a VERY important factor for me, because of the concerns I posted. Thanks, Else and PB.

May also very likely segregate her from her siblings. I've seen this and it's very, very sad - especially in pre-teen years.

Aude_Sapere,

I have considered this as well. If she is NOT my child, I will still raise her as my own. I will however ask the Judge to prevent my ex from saying anything to her (until it is necessary), to hopefully prevent this segregation.

The one reason why I want to know is that my ex has done enough crazy things, that if I don't "adopt" her as my own, that she may try to take her from me and her siblings, without consideration for her stability.

BUT ALWAYS PUT THIS CHILDS WELL BEING UP FRONT.

Outoftheorg,

I agree wholeheartedly. It is good that your "not finding out" worked out well for you and your family. The one difference that may warrant me doing things differently than you is that my ex does not have the "walk out on us" mentality. She has the "take all the kids that she can and run away so that they never get to see their father again mentality". I have won a few battles already to prevent this from happening. This is just another one that I am trying to prevent this worse-case scenario.

I compared my blood type to my parents to make sure it matched up. Your child could make a shocking discovery on his/her own.

Elsewhere,

See? That's one thing I hadn't thought of yet. Thanks!! IMO, it is ALWAYS better for the parents to tactfully reveal something big like that to their children, rather than leaving that to chance.

If you consider being a parent only a biological reality, go for the DNA test. If you are above that limitation, love her without conditions. That is real parentage.

Carmel,

Thanks for your assessment, but if you read the whole thread, you will see why it is not that cut-and-dried. I am above the "limitation" you speak of, I do and will "love her without conditions", but it is possible to do that and also realize that there are bigger reasons that a DNA test is still beneficial.

Thanks for all of your input so far. If you think of anything else, keep the suggestions coming.

Brad

35

might go back to the meetings - what am I getting myself into?

by jwbot in

jw
friends

well my sister and her husband are now working towards figuring out the custody issues and divorce.

both being very civil about it.

my sister will most likely be disfellowshipped as she is with another man (a very nice british guy, actually).. .

outbutnotdown

Jez,

You and I are thinking very similar things, it seems. I don't think jwbot's sister is right either. It is SO much of a parallel to my ex. She had a few friends who supported her in EVERYTHING, even affairs.

Sometimes, as a friend or relative you just gotta stand up to the person, slap them upside the head (symbolically) and tell them to smarten the hell up. ..... or tell them to get help.

I hope jwbot doesn't take this personally because it shouldn't be but her sister just IS NOT being fair to her husband.

Brad

35

might go back to the meetings - what am I getting myself into?

by jwbot in

jw
friends

well my sister and her husband are now working towards figuring out the custody issues and divorce.

both being very civil about it.

my sister will most likely be disfellowshipped as she is with another man (a very nice british guy, actually).. .

outbutnotdown

jwbot,

I followed your other thread about your sister leaving and I read all of this one. I think I am making a fairly objective point here. I suspect that you might see it differently. But here goes:

Seven days ago, your sister was leaving because her husband was "emotionally abusive". Then he seemed to be taking it quite hard but dealing with it fairly calmly, from your other posts in the other thread. I don't remember you saying that he was doing anything abusive during the last week. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

In this new thread, you very quickly mention that your sister's got a new guy and is going to get df'd. IMO, you dismissed it too quickly. Your sister DID NOT find this guy in this past week, based on how you are describing how much he knows about the JW situation.

Now I'll jump into what Jez mentioned. You seem to be happy that you are being accepted by your family a little bit now. That just doesn't sit right with me either. Of course it is natural for you to WANT your family's attention, but I don't think their attention to you is being offered unconditionally.

I'm going to be blunt. Feel free to return the favour. Your sister is, to a certain extent, a user. It seems very unfair for her husband to be accused of being abusive when obviously there was at least one other BIG reason that she left. Personally, I wonder if her accusation was fair at all.

Then, if you go to the meetings all is well with your family. Your family has some major issues. It seems to be based more on manipulation than love. I would be wary of trusting any of them very much, even if you are related.

It seems like you can help the most by NOT getting sucked into their little games and instead by staying neutral. I have not said this for anything other than to state my observations, but I have had a lot of experience in this area and I felt it needed to be said. I hope you understand my intentions.

Best of wishes, Brad

37

I was Molested by my CO grandfather

by AshtonCA in

i was molested by my grandfather from the age of 3 to 7. he was also molesting his daughter (my aunt) and maybe others.

it was covered over and my entire family was actually shunned when we went to the elders when i was 18. i did not tell anyone about it until then because my grandfather had me believing our relationship was special and it was our little secret.. when confronted, he of course denied it.

my mother even spoke up of a time when he had tried to molest her when she was 8 months pregnant with one of my brothers.

outbutnotdown

((((Ashton)))),

Sorry to hear about what you went through. Getting it off your chest is a good first step, especially to people who will actually listen to you. Hopefully your mother and aunt will be able to deal with their issues as well.

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

Happyout,

she may try to stop any visitation you currently have if you take a test that proves she's not yours.

Yup, this is one of my major concerns. That's why what Valis said was interesting. At what point of time would I be considered to be the father, whereby the sperm donor would have NO chance of claiming paternity?

If it turns out that she IS your daughter, there is the potential that your ex-wife could use your taking the test as a way of turning your daughter against you at a later date.

Another thing, Happyout, that WILL happen if she is indeed my daughter. Sick, eh? She may have just been playing mind-games, so if/when I am proven to be the father, she would then play head-games with our daughter.

do whatever you possibly can not to hurt that little girl. None of this is her fault.

Absolutely!! That's what this exercise is all about. I can't completely stop my ex's dysfunctional behaviour, but I can and will do everything in my power to limit and hopefully prevent it in this situation.

Beenthere,

I didn't find my dad till I was 43 years old. I always felt incomplete.

I can sympathize with the situation you were in. I don't want that for my youngest daughter. I will respect her wishes to find out the truth later in life if she wants, but IMO, if somebody else is the biological father, I think he has already proven by his absense that he is not a fit father.

Would your ex ever get mad at the baby in years to come and throw that out at her in anger like she did to you? The child is innocent.

Unfortunately, it is very likely. I have convinced the Judge to order her to quit saying nasty things to the kids about me. It hasn't stopped her, but her refusal to keep the kids "innocent" is a determining factor on why I will VERY likely get sole custody soon.

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

i would think that there's some truth in it somewhere...i've never said this to my son's daddy, even in the throes of an argument. and then for her to say it again in passing, well, there just doesn't seem to be any logical reason for it, unless she's trying to tell you something, or plant a seed of doubt in your mind. if it IS true, she's wronging you and your child, and if it's NOT true, she's playing some heinious headgame on you.... as for making amends, what could she say to make amends?
*tsk i read things like this and i'm ashamed to call myself a woman...errr...

Incense_and_Peppermints,

I was ALMOST ready to believe her explanation completely until she said it again. I agree, saying it again, when the only "bugging" I was doing was trying to regain trust, just didn't make sense to me either.

As for "making amends", after she said it the second time, it would have been nice for her to accept responsibility for, as you put it, HEAD GAMES at least, rather than saying it was my fault for "bugging her". But, hey, she never took responsibility for ANYTHING in the relationship. When she didn't in something this big, as much as it hurt, it was nice for me to know it was OVER!!

Brad