Posts by outbutnotdown

35

might go back to the meetings - what am I getting myself into?

by jwbot in

jw
friends

well my sister and her husband are now working towards figuring out the custody issues and divorce.

both being very civil about it.

my sister will most likely be disfellowshipped as she is with another man (a very nice british guy, actually).. .

outbutnotdown

jwbot,

I followed your other thread about your sister leaving and I read all of this one. I think I am making a fairly objective point here. I suspect that you might see it differently. But here goes:

Seven days ago, your sister was leaving because her husband was "emotionally abusive". Then he seemed to be taking it quite hard but dealing with it fairly calmly, from your other posts in the other thread. I don't remember you saying that he was doing anything abusive during the last week. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

In this new thread, you very quickly mention that your sister's got a new guy and is going to get df'd. IMO, you dismissed it too quickly. Your sister DID NOT find this guy in this past week, based on how you are describing how much he knows about the JW situation.

Now I'll jump into what Jez mentioned. You seem to be happy that you are being accepted by your family a little bit now. That just doesn't sit right with me either. Of course it is natural for you to WANT your family's attention, but I don't think their attention to you is being offered unconditionally.

I'm going to be blunt. Feel free to return the favour. Your sister is, to a certain extent, a user. It seems very unfair for her husband to be accused of being abusive when obviously there was at least one other BIG reason that she left. Personally, I wonder if her accusation was fair at all.

Then, if you go to the meetings all is well with your family. Your family has some major issues. It seems to be based more on manipulation than love. I would be wary of trusting any of them very much, even if you are related.

It seems like you can help the most by NOT getting sucked into their little games and instead by staying neutral. I have not said this for anything other than to state my observations, but I have had a lot of experience in this area and I felt it needed to be said. I hope you understand my intentions.

Best of wishes, Brad

37

I was Molested by my CO grandfather

by AshtonCA in

i was molested by my grandfather from the age of 3 to 7. he was also molesting his daughter (my aunt) and maybe others.

it was covered over and my entire family was actually shunned when we went to the elders when i was 18. i did not tell anyone about it until then because my grandfather had me believing our relationship was special and it was our little secret.. when confronted, he of course denied it.

my mother even spoke up of a time when he had tried to molest her when she was 8 months pregnant with one of my brothers.

outbutnotdown

((((Ashton)))),

Sorry to hear about what you went through. Getting it off your chest is a good first step, especially to people who will actually listen to you. Hopefully your mother and aunt will be able to deal with their issues as well.

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

Happyout,

she may try to stop any visitation you currently have if you take a test that proves she's not yours.

Yup, this is one of my major concerns. That's why what Valis said was interesting. At what point of time would I be considered to be the father, whereby the sperm donor would have NO chance of claiming paternity?

If it turns out that she IS your daughter, there is the potential that your ex-wife could use your taking the test as a way of turning your daughter against you at a later date.

Another thing, Happyout, that WILL happen if she is indeed my daughter. Sick, eh? She may have just been playing mind-games, so if/when I am proven to be the father, she would then play head-games with our daughter.

do whatever you possibly can not to hurt that little girl. None of this is her fault.

Absolutely!! That's what this exercise is all about. I can't completely stop my ex's dysfunctional behaviour, but I can and will do everything in my power to limit and hopefully prevent it in this situation.

Beenthere,

I didn't find my dad till I was 43 years old. I always felt incomplete.

I can sympathize with the situation you were in. I don't want that for my youngest daughter. I will respect her wishes to find out the truth later in life if she wants, but IMO, if somebody else is the biological father, I think he has already proven by his absense that he is not a fit father.

Would your ex ever get mad at the baby in years to come and throw that out at her in anger like she did to you? The child is innocent.

Unfortunately, it is very likely. I have convinced the Judge to order her to quit saying nasty things to the kids about me. It hasn't stopped her, but her refusal to keep the kids "innocent" is a determining factor on why I will VERY likely get sole custody soon.

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

i would think that there's some truth in it somewhere...i've never said this to my son's daddy, even in the throes of an argument. and then for her to say it again in passing, well, there just doesn't seem to be any logical reason for it, unless she's trying to tell you something, or plant a seed of doubt in your mind. if it IS true, she's wronging you and your child, and if it's NOT true, she's playing some heinious headgame on you.... as for making amends, what could she say to make amends?
*tsk i read things like this and i'm ashamed to call myself a woman...errr...

Incense_and_Peppermints,

I was ALMOST ready to believe her explanation completely until she said it again. I agree, saying it again, when the only "bugging" I was doing was trying to regain trust, just didn't make sense to me either.

As for "making amends", after she said it the second time, it would have been nice for her to accept responsibility for, as you put it, HEAD GAMES at least, rather than saying it was my fault for "bugging her". But, hey, she never took responsibility for ANYTHING in the relationship. When she didn't in something this big, as much as it hurt, it was nice for me to know it was OVER!!

Brad

16

Any ex-bethelites here?

by truth_about_the_truth in

jw
friends

.

i just joined the board a few days ago.. just wondering if there are any ex-bethelites here from brooklyn.

is so, when were you there?

outbutnotdown

truth........,

Speaking about ex-Bethelites...... does anyone here know/remember Chuck Strong?

He is my Uncle, by marriage. I know he was at Bethel, in NY, I believe, before and after his marriage in 1978. Shortly after that he became a missionary in Ivory Coast, Africa. In about 1988 or so he moved just outside of Quebec City, Canada.

I'm not sure where he is now. I last saw him at my father's funeral in 1997. Of course, being df'd, he never spoke to me. Lucky me, eh? LOL

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

you could get a paternity test, but even in the eyes of the law, it might be seen that she will still be seen as your child and your responsibility.

Valis,

This is actually good news, potentially.

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

I've never been any good at what ifs, Brad, sorry; but I think I might try the paternity test, just so you would know for sure; and then, regardless of the result, still consider the little girl your own child.

seeitallclearlynow,

I would have to say, "yes, you do see it clearly." This is what I WANT to do. However, there are reasons why I may decide NOT to do this. I'll explain later, after more people give me other ideas. I really want to see if there are other ideas that I have not thought of.

Thanks for your comments and concerns so far.....

Brad

41

Are you my Daddy?

by outbutnotdown in

jw
friends

here's my situation: .

i have four children (10,7,6,4).

my wife (now ex-wife) and i were not getting along very well five years ago.

outbutnotdown

Here's my situation:

I have four children (10,7,6,4). My wife (now ex-wife) and I were not getting along very well five years ago. She was continuously going out to a 19-20 year-old type of bar and insisted that I not come.

Shortly after my 4 year-old was born she told me that she was not mine. She said it while we were in an argument, so I was leaning towards believing her when she said it was only said to "piss me off". Then, within a couple of months, she said it again. This was in a regular discussion, not said out of anger. Later, she tried to suggest that she only said it because I kept "bugging her" by asking for the truth.

Regardless of her thoughts/actions...... it leaves me not knowing if my youngest daughter is my child or not.

For all the men out there, what would you do? I hope not too many people have experienced this first hand, but if you have, please tell me what you did and how it worked out.

For all the women, assuming you were a mean person like my ex , which I am sure none here are , what would you think would be reasonable for your spouse to do? I guess you may have to make two choices... 1) what if your spouse/ex-spouse is not the Daddy.... and ....2) you only ever said it to piss him off..... what would you do to make amends?

I say make amends because, in all honesty, this was a very painful thing for me to go through and my ex-wife's lack of acceptance of her responsibility was the main reason that I made the choice to leave her for good.

By the way, none of my children know ANYTHING about this.

Brad

24

Judge fines mother $10,000 for 'alienation'...

by orbison11 in

this is a bit of a long post, but couldn't copy addy, .

it is good for the canadian parents here who are fighting to see their children and they are having their children's minds poisoned by the custodial parent.... a good case in canada.

you are the custodial parent.

outbutnotdown

There are signs of substantial fraud or mistakes in identifying fathers in child support disputes. The American Association of Blood Banks says the 300,626 paternity tests it conducted on men in 2000 ruled out nearly 30% as the father."

This topic is obviously very dear to my heart. I can't stop giving my viewpoints.

Mercurious,

I have to admit that I was surprised at the 30% total. I am guessing though, that these tests were only done on men who "thought" that they might not be the father? If so, 30% does not depict the average good relationship. However, it is still a high total.

I'm not a Maury fan, but I have watched a couple of the "paternity test" shows. The men can sometimes be rude but I couldn't believe the crying and sobbing by some of these women who have lied about not sleeping with another man, when the test shows the partner is NOT the father. Give me a break!! For a lack of a better way of saying it, "take it like a man."

Your last post, Mercurious, made me think of something. It deserves a new thread, IMO. I have to step out but when I get back I will post it. Thanks for sharing that.

Brad

24

Judge fines mother $10,000 for 'alienation'...

by orbison11 in

this is a bit of a long post, but couldn't copy addy, .

it is good for the canadian parents here who are fighting to see their children and they are having their children's minds poisoned by the custodial parent.... a good case in canada.

you are the custodial parent.

outbutnotdown

LittleToe,

Yet another point about which I'd like to throw in my two cents worth.

Yes, it does seem like he has paid for everything so far, including VOLUNTARILY paying for University for his two eldest. If she's anything like my ex she has probably cried poverty the whole time. I doubt the Judge believes her. They can usually figure out the truth.

So, while the money may be coming from him, indirectly, at least, the Judge will ensure that she doesn't spoil herself anymore and that she'll pay the fine. Maybe she'll even have to get a job to pay it back. The youngest is 16, so it wouldn't take anything away from her time.

My ex was always telling people I was not paying my support (not true) and that she had no money. She was also silly enough to brag to her friends a day later that her new Pug/Terrier dog was $650.00. Reasonable people can see the truth. Just about all of her friends have turned on her..... and I never had to say a word.

Brad