Yeah, I agree with Morpheus and FMF. I consider myself generally pretty well-adjusted (in spite of my upbringing in a cult) and generally happy, but even so therapy has been helpful. I think in your case it may really help you to understand many of the cognitive distortions that you're employing that give you a rather dim view of yourself and of your future.
If nothing else, I would recommend that you read up on cognitive behavior therapy, which can be quite helpful in situations that you seem to be facing. A good book on the topic is "Feeling Good" by David Burns.
There's absolutely no reason why you need to live in a state of fear and anticipation for a terrible future. That's the type of thing that can often result in self-harm and I hope that you are able to avoid going any further down that path. Please, please, please find a way to get some help.
Again as morpheus said, this comes from a place of concern with absolutely no judgement (hey, I'm seeing a therapist myself!) so I hope you will at least consider it.