Teacup,
Feeling sad is a very difficult feeling to carry. Many on this site have been or still are there.
Please keep looking ahead. Try your best to see past what you feel now.
And please, try to close out the burden of guilt many of us have felt both while we were in as well as after we left the Organization.
At time I still need to put my ear buds in and go for a long walk with Pandora playing that evil music!
Thank you for your post.