Posts by beebee

19

I love Ebay.....I saved and made $$$$

by HappyDad in

jw
friends

anyone have experience selling on ebay?.

i recently started learning about it and bought a brand new total gym (the infomercial by chuck norris and christy brinkley).

it sells for $1,495.00 if you call the infomercial number.

beebee

I buy and sell too and have figured out a few tricks. When buying,

Do your homework and decide ahead of time what it is worth to you. Don't forget to include the shipping costs when assessing value. Some sellers pad the shipping because they don't pay a percentage to eBay like they do on final value, and people get more excited and often bid things higher when they start low (auction fever ya' know). I stopped doing that because some buyers complain about high shipping (like they can't read ahead of time) and I was worried it would hurt my feedback.
I usually don't bid until the last minute and put my max bid in the proxy bidder. That serves two purposes, 1. I don't cause the bidding to go higher by bidding early and letting competitors keep bidding too. Secondly, I don't get a chance to have second thoughts and pay more than I should.
If I don't want to be around at the end, I use auctionsniper.com. For a few cents they'll do the last minute sniping (that's what coming in at the last second and bidding is called) for you.

As a seller, I have found that nickle and dime stuff isn't worth placing. Sometimes the fee sucks up the entire price! I try to set my price relatively low but not so low I'll be sick if it sells. Also watch the competition, sometimes timing is everything. Make your ad as detailed as possible. I sell my kids clothes sometimes and I list any defects and sometimes measurements. I do often package multiple items in a lot. Just make sure they are similar quality as one weak piece often holds down the price on the whole lot. Donate the crap to Goodwill.

Good luck. Usually I find I get more than I thought I would, and pay far less than I thought I would.

33

Lost, Confused, and Hurting .....

by Daizzy in

hi everyone, i don't mean to burden anyone with my problems, but hope that i can get some feedback.

in sept. i met a guy whom i assumed was happily married.

we worked together for 4 weeks at the first job and became pretty close friends.by then i already knew how much i was liking him.

beebee

The more I think about this, the more I think he's really being a selfish ass if he's waiting for his wife to step up to the plate, initiate a divorce and deal with the elders. If she hasn't been really involved in 6 or 7 years, what would be her incentive now to stir up the trouble she will for herself by confessing her sins?

I think that if he really cared about ANYONE other than himself, his wife (after 20 years surely he still cares even if their love is compromised), his kids (why put them through more torture) or you, HE would step up to the plate and deal with HIS wrong doings. A good person steps up to accept the consequences of their own behavior. It's something I have instilled in my CHILDREN - you do the crime, you pay the price. Delaying that..well..I guess we all do that some of the time, but waiting for someone else to take the fall????? I think you get what I mean.

If he loved you, and had any regard for his wife and kids, he'd bite the bullet and confess to the elders, take the heat for being the "sinner" and live with the punishment. Yes it will be very hard on him, but he will have the opportunity to repent if it is important for him to stay with the org, or he can leave it without any rough edges. Right now he wants his wife to take the heat when there is little doubt he has committed a serious wrong himself.

What I am trying to say is that he is not being a man about this, and he is treating his family poorly. You will likely find him to be just as selfish and weak if you end up with him.

I remember my ex-husband's second ex-wife coming to me after a court hearing where he had just had her support reduced dramatically. She asked me how I could let him do that. I told her I didn't have anything to do with his choices, but why did she expect him to be any nicer to her than she'd seen him be to me? A rat usually is a rat for life.

I'm sorry to be so negative at a time when you want more hopeful options, however I think it is really important for you to try to see things as they are, not how you'd hope they will be. Then you can better position yourself to take care of you and your kids.

33

Lost, Confused, and Hurting .....

by Daizzy in

hi everyone, i don't mean to burden anyone with my problems, but hope that i can get some feedback.

in sept. i met a guy whom i assumed was happily married.

we worked together for 4 weeks at the first job and became pretty close friends.by then i already knew how much i was liking him.

beebee

If you truly believe he may be your soul mate, then you must trust that. If you two are meant to work it out as a couple it will happen. Trusting that may well be what you need to step back and away for a bit. I'm not doubting he loves you, just suggesting that he has a bunch of crap to work out and he doesn't have to do that if you and his wife aren't making him. That's why i suggested you back away and see what happens.

Two transplants recently? What does your doctor think of your pregnancy? Are you risking your life here? Are you too far into your pregnancy to weigh other options (not wanting to start an abortion war here..but jeez..it sounds like your life is so complicated here and you have another child who needs her mother too. Dying for a baby right now doesn't seem smart)?

It seems you've been offered so many views to think about and good info at that. Imagine what you will do if down the road he wants to raise your baby as a dub and you don't? That could be hell and would also tear you apart and have traumatic impact on your child. What if he stays in, your baby goes in and your other daughter does not? Would she end up being treated as a second class citizen by him, his family and possibly you (if you join)? Lots of questions, no easy answers.

Do you have access to a therapist? It may serve you to talk all these issues out with a professional who can be objective. If money is an issue, there are agencies that offer free and/or sliding scale services. You have to hunt for them. The only one I know of that is nationwide is Jewish Family Services. The counseling is NOT religious based and they take United Way funds and thus services are available to anyone on a non-discriminatory basis. Your religious beliefs would be respected despite the name of the agency and its general sponsorship.

Take care.

33

Lost, Confused, and Hurting .....

by Daizzy in

hi everyone, i don't mean to burden anyone with my problems, but hope that i can get some feedback.

in sept. i met a guy whom i assumed was happily married.

we worked together for 4 weeks at the first job and became pretty close friends.by then i already knew how much i was liking him.

beebee

Let me suggest yet another approach. All of what you and he are about to undergo will be painful and stressful and may well hurt your relationship. My thoughts, based on observation of a lot of relationships and chatting on other boards about the topic, would be for you to distance yourself a bit and let him clean up his mess before you get caught up any deeper (like a baby on the way isn't about as deep as it gets).

I am suggesting that you tell him that you need to put some space between you to give HIM time to sort out his life and deal with his marriage, church issues, etc. That you are doing so for the benefit of both of you - for him it lessens his stress level (one less person to worry about), for you it lessens the pain of watching it all and feeling rather helpless. A lot of relationships come with one partner having excuses of one sort or another to NOT commit fully, and whether or not you can see it that way, this is exactly where he is. He says the right things to you to keep you hanging on, yet won't cut loose his wife and other life.

I understand his turmoil too, ending a marriage, especially where kids are involved is difficult and the JW connection magnifies the difficulties. However he still has to decide what he wants and take action; waiting for someone else to do is a non-commital decision. If he really was ready to leave he would. Instead, he is taking the chicken way out and waiting on her. This may be understandable. On one hand, he hasn't been divorced and ALONE at all. Jumping from one relationship to another can be very frightening. Also he can be afraid of being alone, which creates its own set of problems.
Most women in love are afraid to back away for fear of losing him permanently. You have an edge here, the baby will give you plenty of reason to stay in each other's lives.

The benefit of backing away is that it will make him think - think about how much HE loves you and whether or not he loves you enough to do what he has to do, or risk losing you. He REALLY needs to be put into that spot. So while you tell him it is to relieve some of the stress, it also serves the purpose of giving him a reason to really think. Realistically the longer you are apart the more likely YOU will decide you don't want a married man and a dub at that. His risk of loss is greater than yours.

However you really need him to decide what he wants and to be with you for the right reasons. If you back away, do it right. Maintain as little contact with him as possible and try to let any contact between you be initiated by HIM. In other words, make him work for your time and attention. Don't jump to answer on the first ring, and let the machine answer much of the time. Be slow to respond. He needs to feel a genuine risk of losing you for him to make a decision.

Right now he is deciding he doesn't want to lose YOU or his other life. That's going to be very painful for you. You are better off putting him in the spot where he must decide, even if that means you may lose him. Better now than later after you've endurred much pain and wasted possibly years in love and committed to someone who will not give you the same.

You also don't need the extra stress while pregnant and taking care of an infant. That alone is enormously stressful.

Take care, you have a lot on your plate right now.

16

Relationship guru's needed

by Imnostranger in

hello folks.

i'm not really a newbie - you guys know me by another name.

i used another screen name for purposes of anonymity.

beebee

Honesty is important but I'm convinced that telling someone to clear your conscience at their expense, when it doesn't resolve the issue is just plain hurtful, so I really don't see a purpose to you telling your girlfriend that the attraction is mutual.

I think it's far more important to get down to the nuts and bolts of whether or not your current relationship is meeting your mutual needs, if not, is it repairable, and deciding whether or not fixing it is in both of your interests versus moving on. Evaluating when to stay or cut bait can be tough when you have so much good.

I guess my question would be, if sex is your ONLY significant problem, would improving that area bring your relationship to the point where you both want it to continue? Underestimating the importance of sex in a LTR or marriage is a huge mistake. Both partners need to be on the same page here or the marriage is missing an important connection that helps keep people together through rough times, not to mention the emotional connections, stress release, etc. of a good, compatible sex life.

Have the two of you discussed it? What would it take for you to be more sexually attracted to her? Have the two of you experimented? I find that if you are both capable of relaxing, and just playing, nature tends to cure such issues. However, other issues, such as religious upbringing, sexual attitudes instilled in the person from their parents, or abuse can make this difficult. Also many women, especially younger ones, have a hard time expressing what they need and many, quite frankly, don't even know themselves. Books and/or a sex therapist may get you past this.

I was in a marriage with bad sex. He was large (both weight and ummm his..you know) and it was often uncomfortable. He preferred positions that increased my discomfort, and often had a rough tough with foreplay issues. If I tried to redirect him, he'd get mad and roll off. His ego couldn't accept that perhaps he needed to know ME, and that he didn't already know it all.

I finally got to the point where I didn't want to have sex much, though I loved him and at times still had a sexual interest. He got so "in need" that I couldn't as much as touch his shoulder or kiss him without him assuming it had to lead to intercourse. Of course this created a lot of pressure for me. I finally stopped trying.

If he could have backed off and took it slowly, removed the pressure and allowed us time to just touch and explore and learn each other, we might have pulled it off.

Now that wasn't why we divorced or even the biggest problem, however it was huge and would have only gotten bigger with time. I would never recommend a couple stay together if their sex life isn't good BEFORE marriage. Marriage tends to change things and passion can grow if it has good seeds, but bad seeds tend to wither...

How much of this have you discussed with her? Would improving the quality of sex make her more sexually attractive to you? Would that be enough for you to be happy? What does she need/want?

Good luck.

32

Dell Computers

by unbeliever in

jw
friends

.

i am leaning toward buying a dell notebook.

who uses dell, and if so are you happy with them?.

beebee

We've got two Dell laptops in the house, both purchased used. A Lattitude and an Inspiron. Great workhorses. I've been able to find parts pretty easy for them too, though I am sure living in Austin (Dell is headquartered here) helps.

There are a number of good used retailers. They buy the lease ends and refurbish them. I paid around $700 for mine two years ago, and it was nearly identical to one I bought new (on a corporate acount) a year earlier for $2500.

However, laptops are still best with the major brands (I hear very good things about Toshiba from technicians who work on all of them). Desktops are getting tricky as even the best of the manufacturers are now building them to be disposable. Over the next few years they hope to save money by reducing service and tech support.

I've never considered $500, $1000 or more to be disposable to me and it can be rather disheartening to watch a 15 mo old computer reach the point where it doesn't pay to fix it (so against my nature to refurbish as well). Stay away from emachine, it's junk and full of proprietary parts that are not compatible with the masses so if you want to repair something, you have to pay a premium and buy it from them. Gateway bought them and are in bankruptcy so I think I'd stay away from Gateway as well because if they go under, service may well get tougher.

My mom bought a dell desktop a couple of years ago and she's very unsophisticated technologically. She has had decent luck with their service department.

18

I need help...really really bad...

by crazzae`face in

i'm almost to the point of an emotional breakdown.

i go out with this guy he's 20, a jw and i'm a 16yr.

he basically breaks all the rules in the book; adultry, sex;oral, drugs, drinking, partying, he's even growing a little chin,bottom and top lip hair.

beebee

I'm the mother of two teen girls 16 and 18 and this is what I would tell them.

1. The feelings of love at your age are very intense, possibly more so than any other time in your life, however these same feelings can blind you, almost certainly will blind you, to truly seeing all you need to see about someone before you commit your life to them. It is hard to pull yourself aside and really look at the relationship objectively, yet to truly be happy and have a good chance at a long term future with anyone, you MUST do that. Otherwise you will almost certainly end up with a lot of pain.

2. A good partner makes you feel good about yourself, accepts you AS-IS, and really doesn't expect you to change to suit him. In fact if you change, you won't be the person he fell in love with anymore and you may experience new, different problems.

3. It really sounds like he is in search of himself. This is something most young people go through, not just JWs. He needs to decide who he wants to be, and what kind of person he wants to be, and the matters of the church and the pressure the church and his "in" family members puts on him to conform to their thinking will be intense. This puts you in a very vulnerable spot because anything you do that encourages him to move against his church and family will make his family hate you, and that may cause him to turn against you as well.

He needs to straighten out his life first. He isn't behaving like a witness, and they may have tossed him out, however his family still expects him to straighten up and go back, and he may be torn up inside because his removal from the church likely left him feeling worthless and this would be why he is engaging in dangerous behavior, like drinking, drugs, etc.

All this brings me to the part you really don't want to hear:
1. He has to figure himself out by himself. Does he have any goals for himself? What does he want to do from his life? etc. You certainly can stand on the sidelines and be his friend, but you really can't straighten him out, this is something he must do for himself. If you have the strength, you can certainly help him sort through things by asking him questions that help him think. Why does he do things? How do they make him feel? What does he really want?

You are both so young and he has both the normal burden of a young adult trying to forge a path forward and the Witness guilt heeped on to make it tougher. Realistically you do not want to form a long-term commitment with anyone who doesn't see good things for themselves and who doesn't have a direction. We all need that direction to grow up into happy and functional adults. If he isn't ready or capable of doing that, he's trouble for you.

2. No one ever wants to hear "there are other fish in the sea" but the truth is that there are millions of young men within your dating age group and most don't carry the baggage this guy does. Tying yourself down at 16 to someone who has all these extra issues is unreasonable and just makes YOUR path to finding yourself and happiness tougher.

Ending relationships suck. It hurts, for a while you deny to yourself you can find better, and you worry there will never be anyone else, anyone better. But the truth is there IS better out there and at your age it isn't tough to find.

3. I told my girls and keep telling them, that a person does not have to be a bad person to be the wrong person. Hopefully everyone you date will have some very good character traits and most will truly be nice people, however incompatibility is what it is. Love doesn't make it go away. Love doesn't heal all. It just masks it temporarily until you are both really miserable.

4. You have to love yourself and like yourself and know who you are before you can truly commit to someone else. At 16 you are just beginning that process, and if you are a typical teen girl, you have enough insecurities about yourself you do not need a weak partner to bring out more doubts.

Ultimately the decision on whether or not to cut him loose is yours, all any of us can do is tell you what we think. Remember that because we are out of the situation, we see things without the emotional fog that a person within a relationship sees. Also most all of us are older and have been through this.

In the meantime, PLEASE use birth control, preferably more than 1 kind, like the pill AND condoms. I think everyone on these boards will agree that an unplanned pregnancy brings more painful and difficult decisions, and a baby ALMOST NEVER saves a relationship that is going to fail anyway. Single parenthood sucks. I've been doing it for nearly 16 years. It also will seriously limit your future dating pool.

So take care of yourself. Remember that if it comes down to your emotional and mental health versus his, you need to take care of yourself first. My guess is that if you are on these boards, you are already hurting. Staying with him will probably not make that better.

Interesting thought here..I have also found that when I've been in relationships where the guy had issues that needed to be resolved that ONLY when I have walked away, have they realized how important I was to them and that they needed to fix themselves to EARN my love and attention. They have often come back with the issues in check.

I am dating an ex-JW and even as an adult, the baggage and damage caused by that religion made dating him in early months very tough. We did do several months of therapy and still we split. Only when he realized I was not going to chase him down did he take the time to think about what he really wanted and how important I was or wasn't to him. Now we are doing very well and are both happy. (note here, it can take weeks or months for someone to "come around" and it is important that you not live your life waiting for that, but rather move on.)

Take care.

120

We walked out of my mom's memorial service

by tyydyy in

jw
friends

.

my brother, my sister, myself, xena and those with us walked out when we were called aside and asked not to attend the reception after the memorial.. more details to follow....... timb

beebee

This whole situation has amazed and apalled me. I am not, nor have ever been a dub so a lot of this is extremely hard to understand. I am also tyydyy's girlfriend so I have witnessed all of this (I was unable to attend the memorial as my daughter had a prior commitment we could not beg out of) up close and have seen the pain Tim and his entire family has endurred. I find it completely amazing that they can retain members and even more surprising they can attract new ones.

The sibling that were snubbed were the ones that had been there for their mother and their father. It was Tim that helped his father make all the arrangements. It was Tim, Brooke and Don who cleaned mom and dad's house so their mother wouldn't be so embarrased when guests came. They originally planned to have a separate memorial service but their dad had said "we can do all that at the reception," the very reception they were later told they could not attend. All three lost considerable work time, income none can afford to lose. Don and his wife flew in twice from out of state to be with his mother and then attend her funeral.

Of the three siblings still in the org, two were not available to help out though when they were here last weekend to see their mother they could have. One did a few little things then expected recognition for it. Their youngest sister was there a lot, but from what I know she did not help out with any of the "work" involved. I suspect two of these three may have been involved in the snub. The same two were really hard and rude on their "out" family members. None were interested in what was in their mother's best interest or in her heart. It was clear, even to me, that their mother loved ALL of her children and was glad to get the opportunity to talk with them in her final days.

As a parent I find all this hypocrisy apalling. I took the story of what happened to my best friend who lives in California and has yet to meet Tim, yet she knows through me what a gentle and good soul he is. I have known "L" for many years and she is a generous and giving, caring person. I did not know she was a dub until Tim and I got together. Technically she's a "fade" but lately her life is very stressful and she has been attending services and conventions again. She is searching for answers.

She lives a life far from that of a "model" dub. She has been divorced 3 times and cheated on each spouse. She has had affairs with married men. She smokes pot and has had (nondub) boyfriends. Her daughter is an exotic dancer. I have questioned how she could consider rejoining a faith that would tell her to not have association with at least 2 of her daughters. She says she will never let them do that. hmmmm, I guess we will see.

I shared with her yesterday the events of Saturday and the weeks preceding. I expected the compassion I have seen her give to so many others. What did she give? Utter silence. I read this as implied approval for what happened. She didn't speak her approval because her friendship with me is important to her, but she didn't have a single word of compassion or giving. The closest she came was that she "was so sorry for Tim's loss."

How can somebody be so completely hypocritical? How can she not see how incredibly mean and selfish it is to rely on your children when you need something done, then deny them the opportunity to attend their own mother's funeral?

One poster spoke of taking this public. Maybe we can. I do PR for a living and have all the contact info, and know how to pitch a story concept to the media. I will do so if Tim and his siblings want me to. I'm not sure they are ready to air their pain.

How can a religion exist that encourages, if not requires, families to disintegrate? Where is the Christian love in that?

31

Any Ebay-ers Out There?

by Englishman in

jw
friends

i'm becoming intrigued with dabbling on ebay.

i've made a bid for some goods and i'm waiting to see if i've "won".. any advice for a newbie ebay-er?.

buying, selling, whatever?.

beebee

I frequently buy and sell and here's my tips based on experience:

As a buyer:

do your homework and know what something is worth. I usually only buy when it's a real deal.
As others have suggested, review the seller's feedback for a heads up on trouble, and if it's a brand new seller, it should be a better deal.
Review the shipping costs. Sometimes they are higher because Ebay doesn't keep a percentage so a seller may start the auction at a lower price and cover their basic costs in their shipping. Sometimes its rediculously high. I always consider it into the max price I will pay.
Read the description carefully. Look for words like "refurbished," any warranty info, etc. Don't be afraid to email the seller if you have questions.
I almost always use auctionsniper.com and almost always bid at the last minute when I don't. I do this for two main reasons, one I preset the max I will pay and don't get carried away and pay too much, and if you bid early, you may effectively bid up the price. I want my stuff as cheap as possible.
If its expensive, consider using an escrow service to guarantee you will get what you bought. Also Paypal insures to $500 for no extra charge.
Historically some categories seem to offer better deals than others. I had to really hunt to find a deal on a used cell phone. That's why knowing the value before you bid is so important. I have seen things on ebay sell well above retail. Also beware "refurbished" things sometimes sell as high as first quality.

As a seller:

Use Paypal. In the US it's free if you don't take credit cards. I do take credit cards. I don't take personal checks and hate money orders because buyers who use them always seem to take forever to even mail it. Odds of a default on a money order buyer are higher.
Carefully add up what it will cost you to pack (boxes can cost money), ship (do you have to drive to drop it off), and other expenses like Paypal fees and Ebay fees. I find that if I don't think I can get at least $10 for it, its not worth my time and effort.
Package like items into lots. This is good for clothes, especially kids clothes. Buyers want bargains and shipping eats away at the bargain so buying 3 items at once saves them money.

I've never had a bad experience as a buyer and only once as a seller. I have purchased things that didn't work and have gotten great service from the sellers including two that went above and beyond what I would have expected (on a used cell phone even).

Good luck and happy ebaying.

32

Responding To Restraining Order and the Charges It Contains

by Corvin in

jw
friends

i was served a restraining order by the local sheriff from my jw x -wife.

i know without a doubt this is a small maneuver to block me from picketing at the kingdom hall and exposing her lies and bullcrap.

while nancy is in the hospital recovering, the other two girls are now completely indignant and ready to help take this thing head on.

beebee

I'm with everyone that says go hire a lawyer. In my experience, the judges assuming everyone is lying or has an agenda and it can easily become your word vs hers. Also if you get emotional, and it may well be tough not to since this issue is horrific, that will work against you in a significant way. It's almost as if you can't win. If you stay calm, well then you must not be telling the truth since you aren't upset, but if you get upset, the judge gets mad and may well toss you and throw it all to the other side. I've seen it happen.

I once got mad at my attorney and was screaming at the lawyer (what do I pay you for) in the hallway, not in the courtroom. The next thing I knew, there were three officers pointing guns at me saying "we were told someone was threatening a judge" and they threatened me with a 3 day stay in the mental ward. I hadn't even threatend the lawyer! I was just upset, and yes, I had been burned in court that day.

Query the lawyer carefully. Be sure you don't have one that favor's "mother's rights." Had I known my lawyer that day had 8 kids from 7 ex-wives he'd screwed out of child support I would have known he was the wrong lawyer for me.

Take care.