Lost, Confused, and Hurting .....

by Daizzy 33 Replies latest social relationships

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  Daizzy

  hi everyone, i don't mean to burden anyone with my problems, but hope that i can get some feedback. in sept. i met a guy whom i assumed was happily married. we worked together for 4 weeks at the first job and became pretty close friends.By then I already knew how much I was liking him. Awesome personality, so much in common, we hit it off the very first day. Then the next job came around 3 weeks later and we were all at the same hotel and partying together the first week. Everyday we found out just how much we had in common and so on. He even told me how pretty I was and how I turn everyones head when I walk into the room. So now I knew I was falling in love with this guy, and was ready to pack up and head home . I had been unhappily married for over 2 years, and he was married , just not as happily as he was leading on. So to make a long story short. We ended up realizing just how good we were for each other and that we couldn't let something this good that could be our one chance for happiness pass us by, we began sharing a hotel room together and such that comes along with all that- sex , everything. We went on a road trip for the last Nascar race of the season,and on the way home we got into a discussion about some stuff that has happened to me - weird stuff, And that was when I found out that he was a JW. Didn't bother me, really didn't know much about it. Until now that is : now I know that everything he is doing and what we are doing is wrong. We are now living together. His wife is the way he explained her down to a T. Horrible, degrading of him, you name it, and for something that happened so long ago. But my family all knows that we are together despite me being in the middle of a divorce, but he says he has to take care of his problems at home in a certain way so things don't get really bad. I am confused. Why , if he has every reason to end it with her, does he have to do it in a certain way, and keep on lying to everyone in his family except his 2 cousins that do know about me? He is okay with me being who I am, and I don't think he is trying to convert me, we both talk about it but I don't believe in alot of the ways of the catholics, lutherans, baptists and so on. I do believe in God more than I can explain or show, but besides that I am not sure what is going on. I really love this guy and know beyond 100% that he does love me, but why the hesitation? He says it bothers him that he knows he is doing wrong, and he needs to fix it but at the same time he just keeps waiting on his ex to make a wrong move. She already said that she is divorcing him twice and that she has cheated on him. That his family would be hurt and such. We have been living together since that 2 nd job started back in Oct. and now I am pregnant. I went and am still going against everything I believe in, but I have come straight with my family so there aren't any lies making it worse. He says that he has to come straight with everyone and marry me to make things right. And marry me not because it is what he believes god wants but because he really truly does love me. I don't know what to make of this situation and I have already told him that I am ready to go stay at my Dad's until he does take care of his part of the problems . After reading some posts and replies last night, I am truly starting to wonder what he isn't telling me. People make this JW thing sound so much different than what he is stating he believes and they believe in. I don't want too leave him but do want him to just come forward with everyone and fix things if he truly loves me as much as he says he does. Everything he has done in the past few months has proven he has done it all for me and that he loves me. Somebody please help - I am so lost and confused, and this is the only thing that is keeping me from being truly happy with him.

  Daizzy
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  confusedjw

  He is feeling the need to go confess his sins to the "elders" in the congregation. He knows that when he does this his wife will divorce him and he will be "disfellowshipped" and that EVERYONE he knows in the congreation and his family (that are JW's) will refuse to talk with him. He is also feeling like the "sins" he is committing with you are going to result in his ultimate death and that he has damaged very badly his relationship with God.

  This is what is going on inside the typical JW when facing what he has done.

  Sorry, it's going to be a tough road and he may love you and decide the pull of the cult is too strong.
• 

  xjw_b12

  Welcome Daizey.

  I would check this link out, while you wait for replies. This is a too common occurence here.

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx
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  melmac

  I don't know much what to say, just my 2 cents:

  - I don't think he's being as honest to you as you are to him!

  Some (many?) witnesses act totally different when they're among their peer witnesses and when they think they are in a "worldly" ambience. The fact is, they try to appear "normal" to non-witnesses, but in fact they hide their true self.

  He's probably afraid of the congregation's response when they find out what happened! He will be on his way to disfellowshipping (which means the witnesses won't even TALK to him anymore) and is possibly looking for a way to get away with it lightly.

  For good reasons he has been hiding many things from you: because if you knew better about the witnesses' cult, you would not give him any chance! For instance: witnesses oppose blood transfusions, even in situations where they may be the only chance of survival. Witesses oppose higher education in Universities. Witnesses say that the celebration of birthdays, Christmas, new year, Easter, Valentines, etc. is derived from pagan and demonic sources... Can you imagine what your life will be like after he opens up to you and tells you what he REALLY believes?

  The real problem lies nowhere in living together. Or in divorce and remarriage. I guess no one here believes that God requires people to be imprisoned in a bad marriage. The problem is: your life is probably going to turn into hell if this guy intends to marry you AND keep his beliefs as a witness.

  Get informed! Your life is on the line!

  Otherwise, I truly hope it'll all end well for you.
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  Daizzy

  To confusedjw : thank you for your reply. What you said about his 'sins' with me resulting in the ultimate death and damaging his relationship with God is in not so many words what he has said. But he also says that the only way he can fix it is by fixing the problems he has now , and making things right with me. Do you know anything about this?
• 

  confusedjw

  I think that what he might *hoping* will happen is that his wife might divorce him WITHOUT knowing about you. This way he could then could marry you and perhaps even convert you.

  The guy is in a cult which is very legalistic. He's running his options back and forth in his mind.

  So in a nutshell here are his options:

  1. Confess all to wife and elders and plead for forgiveness. He *might* not be disfellowhipped or divorced. This clears his conscience with God to a degree. He would have to leave you as well.

  2. Confess all to wife and elders and not care whether they disfellowship him or if he gets divorced. BUT this leaves him very unsettled with God. He would likely end up with you if disfellowshipped and divorced, but his mind/conscience would be damaged.

  3. (playing a legal game) Keep his relationship with you, but make things bad at home and hope his wife leaves him and hopefully divorces him. He then would be "free to marry you" assuming he could get you to study and bring you into the congregation and live happily every after........until he thinks about the plotting he did.

  4. Finally there is him leaving the Cong and his wife for you and then trying to get "reinstated" which means you end up with and active JW for a husband. Perhaps not the best solution for you.

  Honestly the best option is for him to learn he's in a cult, deal with whether he wants to stay in a crappy marriage. Again this will mean for him losing every person he knows in his family and congregation that are JW's.

  Point him to www.607v587.com - this won't mean too much to you, but it will him.
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  Balsam

  This is my suggestion: Be patient. He has lots of things he is trying to figure out how to deal with. His family if they are JW, his JW congregation who will truly be down his throat for having an affair. Sounds like he and his wife may be in the mist of congregational meetings with Elders about both their behaviors in the marriage. He may be trying to do damage control. He is the father of your baby, so a little patience here won't be a bad thing. He has got himself in a pickle but it may lead to him being able to get out of JW's which would be a good thing. You need to find out a little about his back ground like asking.

  1. Have you up until now been an active JW's?

  2. Were you raised a JW from childhood?

  3. Are you going to allow your wife to divorce you since you are with me and she has grounds for divorce? Are you going to encourage her to do so since you are not interested in getting back with her?

  4. Are you going to be disfellowshipped? Are you emotionally prepared for that if you are?

  5. How is your family going to react to your divorcing and being with me? Are you wanting to remain a JW?

  Ok now from the point of the JW way of doing things. His wife is suppose to take action to divorce him, or forgive him and try to get him to come back to her. He could also divorce her which will take the matter out of her hands and settle the issue once and for all. Neither of you can get married until you both are divorced from your existing spouses. If you really love each other do it.

  The other problem that lies ahead of you is if he wishes to remain a JW, this what you can expect. Being married to a person who believes the way JW believe is tough. They don't celebrate holidays, birthdays, and they don't vote, or do some things ordinary people do. He will want to raise your child in the JWs, which is a bad idea.

  So you guys have lots to decide. But you have time so don't panic, and until you can be married you need to get this all figured out.

  Many times when JW find themselves in this situation they still are clinging to their JW religion. With patience they can let go of it, but it takes time.

  When I met my husband who is not a JW ever, I was dragging him to meetings with me even through I was disfellowshipped. He, bless his heart, went willingly with me, but would ask me probing questions I could not answer. Gradually I began to infestigate deeper into the JWs history and it allowed me to give it all up. I don't think he is at that point. But my husband was very patient with me and did not try to force it nor did was he ever mean about how I believed. So be careful not to put him on the defensive but try to understand where he is coming from. If he loves you he will be willing to explain himself.

  We'll be glad to help you out here.

  Balsam
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  kls

  God i read so many posters like you and my stomach just sinks and i start to shake. I want to scream , " please no don't live my life". I would not trust him even if he swears that he will never go back to the cult because when life a little hard to handle they feel they must go back to their God for help. If he tells you he still wants to be a JW get used to being alone on meeting nights and having Holidays with out him and having his love go to a cult . I have lived through hell being married to a JW and i want no one else to live as i have and i can tell you i am not the only one nor will i and others be the last, but if i can get just one person to see what their life could become being involved with a JW i have helped myself.
  
  
  
  
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  upside/down

  I don't mean to cause offense, but have you looked into the mirror?

  I mean you have an affair, both of you live a lie, but your so "in love", you get pregnant etc...

  What happened to your life skills? Couldn't you both just have been honest that you're "hot" for each other and you don't honor your vow to your current families (whether you like them or not) and do the HONORABLE thing of just being honest and taking the consequences like the immature ADULTS you appear to be? Then you could move ahead with your current relationship without all the "baggage" and drama?

  My wife cheated on me in a similar manner as you two have done (sense the bitterness?), I told her that that's all fiine and good if you want to do this kind of crap- JUST BE HONEST WITH ME. If you want to leave LEAVE! Don't be bringing home "sloppy seconds" or some disease and meesing with my head (I loved her dearly).

  His being a JW has nothing to do with any of this- it's a diversion (cause it's easy to hate the Dub's). I'd be pissed no matter what religion, if any ,that I had!!!

  But that's just me,

  u/d
  
  
  
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  blindfool

  Daizzy,

  I enjoyed talking to you in chat today. A couple of things.

  Your boyfriend will be upset with you for talking to people on this web site. In his mind, we are apostates. You may not be familar with that term, it basically means we oppose The Watch Tower Society (the legal name for the Jehovahs Witnesses).

  The Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society says you should not watch, read, or listen to anyone other than them when it comes to religion. They have all the answers. A talk given at a local Kingdom Hall is really prepared for by the Watch Tower and the speaker is passing the information along. He may add a little here and there, but he follows an outline given to him. He is also told which talk to give and when to give it. Even the songs sung at the meetings are prearranged by the Watch Tower Society.

  This is why I asked you about religion in general. If you like everything the same at every level, you might just like the style of the WT. If you like to think for yourself, you may think this sucks.

  I think your boy friend would like to catch his JW wife cheating to use it against her. She also would probably like to catch him cheating. After what you said today in chat, she now has the goods on the two of you.

  Your bf is in trouble on two fronts:

  One, he committed adultry. Two, he is seeing someone outside his faith (not a Jehovahs Witness)

  Even if his legal divorce was recognized by the JW's, he would still be in trouble for having a relationship with you.

  To really understand what he is going through, I'd recommend you read the WT's own literature. Ask you bf to let you read what his copy of "Insight on the Scriptures". Read about marriage and divorce. This will show you what he is up against. If he does not have a copy of this book, he can get one from one of his family members, its in most JW homes. Also ask him for a copy of "Reasoning from the Scriptures". Read what it says about marriage and divorce. This may answer a lot of your questions about what he needs to do to remain in good standing.

  I wish you all the luck in the world.

  BDF