Posts by beebee

34

How do you handle a Volitile Ex??

by Seeking Knowledge in

jw
friends

my ex....is an idiot.

i have had problems with him from the get go when it comes to custody of our son.

we have gone to court and established some ground rules, which he consistantly bends & twists to suit him.

beebee

I've suggested to friends in hostile situations that the best thing they can do is keep a detailed notebook. I was told this by an attorney. Log every conversation, ever comment he, his wife or your son makes that may be relevant. If you are lucky, you will never need it. If you ever do need any documentation to either protect your rights as a mother, or to deny him his, that log may make you or break you.

Did the lawyer have a good response as to how your ex can take the son for non-emergency medical treatment without consulting you, if the same is not true for you (ie. a therapist)? Is that sufficient grounds for contempt? Is it possible that a letter from your attorney reminding him of his legal obligations and that disregarding a court order could cost HIM custody and limit him to supervised only visits?

As to the blood thing, I too am horrified that you may be right - that in the heat of a moment, he's going to stand on his beliefs, regardless of a legal document (as would you if you felt it meant your son's life). I guess you really need to know how other's with dub exes have gotten around this since I suspect few courts would view the possibility that he won't allow blood as reason to prevent him to be alone with his child. Logic says it should, be few courts seem willing to interfere with the parental-child relationship until AFTER major damage has been done.

You can also make a call to CPS. I suspect what happened isn't enough, but it doesn't hurt to ask and it may begin a paper trail.

Document everything.

34

How do you handle a Volitile Ex??

by Seeking Knowledge in

jw
friends

my ex....is an idiot.

i have had problems with him from the get go when it comes to custody of our son.

we have gone to court and established some ground rules, which he consistantly bends & twists to suit him.

beebee

I know that my roommate's divorce which was handled in Texas gives him custody and all decision rights of their two youngest, and gives her the same rights for their oldest but both must inform each other of anything they do medically or as to school. However, their document is very specific about who can actually authorize anything but emergency treatment. I don't think it is standard wording however, theirs is a very ugly, hostile situation.

Not all states do things the same way. My CA decree gives us joint legal, and me sole physical custody. I am told they rarely split it that way anymore in CA.

34

How do you handle a Volitile Ex??

by Seeking Knowledge in

jw
friends

my ex....is an idiot.

i have had problems with him from the get go when it comes to custody of our son.

we have gone to court and established some ground rules, which he consistantly bends & twists to suit him.

beebee

I've been dealing with an asshole ex for more than 16 years (those are the ex-years). Our daughters are 16 and 18. My ex put me through extreme torment for many years, and he still gets a dig in whenever he can.

One quick comment regarding this comment:

Medical guidelines are not spelled out in our decree but it is the law in California. A reputable therapist will not see a child without the signature of both parents if you have joint legal custody.

My divorce was handled in CA and is still in force. Joint Legal Custody, as defined by CA means that EITHER parent has the right to authorize medical treatment or even enroll (or disenroll) the kids in school WITHOUT consulting the other. Barring specific language to the contrary, he does not have to consult you first. (I'm not a lawyer but that is what my lawyer said).

As to the spinal adjustment, chiropractors work on young children and babies all the time and given that no one wants to get sued, I suspect it has no ill efffects, though I have no clue if it has any merits (I can ask a friend whose wife is a chiro if you want). I know some believe you can cure anything with a back adjustment. I don't buy it, but some do.

As to altering custody and visitation situations, you pretty much have to prove there has been a "material change in circumstances" before a judge is going to give you any credence. As to requesting mediation, I think that's always a good idea, but only works if court ordered or both parties want it.

One spot of advice learned from painful experience, what goes on in your house, and what goes on in dad's house does not need to be the same. Rules can be different, even bedtimes can be different (though this is much harder on smaller kids) and kids are resilient. Most do okay. The most important thing you can do is to not let your frustration with your ex enter the realm of your child's awareness.

Most kids feel like they get pulled one way, then the next, and all they really want is to love you both. The less you say that is negative the better. If your son tells you things that concern you, listen, acknowledge, then CALMLY say "I'll talk to your father." Don't jump to conclusions and don't let your son see your worry. This does more harm to your child than good.

Then have a calm discussion with your ex. Again, speaking from a lot of experience, the more you ask questions and NOT attack or put him on the defensive, the better results you will have. He does have a right to establish what happens in his house and also a right to privacy. The more you respect this, the better his responses towards you will be. You have the right to expect the same. Threats usually just create more problems and a big legal bill. They rarely get you what you want.

One more caveat, as your son gets older, the more he sees you react to any "complaints" about daddy, the more he is going to begin to play you both against each other to get whatever he wants. My girls are teens and my oldest has a true gift for manipulating her dad and I against each other. She knows exactly what to say to get our "goat" up. I have found that on important matters, communicating with her dad first and/or in a three-way conference call works best because she knows that both of us have ALL the facts. I get a lot more cooperation from HIM because he knows he is being included and his view is important (or at least that is the impression I give him...it isn't always the reality).

In other words, by treating him respectfully, I've learned to get more of what I want from him for our girls.

I wish you luck and I realize this is not likely the only problem you've had with your ex, but from the little information you give, I think you over-reacted. I'm not defending him, I am just saying that it seems that he was trying to do right by your son (by taking him to a practioner, even if not a traditional one) and that was within his rights as a dad.

Take care.

51

Wife joining, but I don't want the kids to get all brainwashed

by Check_Your_Premises in

my wife is joining.

she feels that the choice is between nothing and god, and that the only way to have a relationship with god is through these people.

i have accepted that.

beebee

Hi CYP,

I know others have suggested similar, but I think that if you can find a church that has a cool youth program, that will help immensely. The reason churches have fun youth programs is because it does get the kids excited about being part of that group. It IS another form of indoctrination, but as long as your principles of faith are being honored, I can only see it as a good thing.

The KH wants kids to sit in adult services and be quiet and blindly obedient (the same crap they expect of adults) compare that with "skatingboarding for Christ," singing cute little kid bible songs, drawing pictures and playing with other kids while mom and dad are bored inside? Or check out a black Southern Baptist service for a downright entertaining display of faith (so cool!)

The other good idea was the volunteering work, especially if it is affiliated with a church organization. This gives you a chance to talk about Christianity and giving to those in need.

As they get older, let them be part of study groups that allow and encourage questioning (I'm Jewish and we were always encouraged to challenge, question and view different interpretations of the same passage).

I've always though a good course in comparitive religions at the high school level should be mandatory, but it seems only the Jesuit high schools do that (how brave they are, a Catholic org being open to showing other faiths..of course the class may be slanted, but it is a start).

Keep them involved in team sports and other after school activities that they love. It is good for them and something JW kids are rarely allowed to do.

I wish you luck with the marriage though, it seems it will be a challenge to keep your marriage a good one when she believes that if you don't accept her faith, all of you are doomed. The love in her will force her to try to convert you all. It is so tragic a religion uses love to tear apart people and their families.

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world - just horribly painful.

35

Why do you live where you live?

by Satans little helper in

jw
friends

for me i just drifted there when i finished my degree and the girl i was living with at the time got a good job with hewlett packard.

i tagged along and got a job within commuting distance.

i don't really like the city i live in but i haven't bothered moving for the last 6 years through inertia i guess.

beebee

'cuz most of my underwear is here????

26

Thinkin' of moving to Texas......

by target in

jw
friends

my little family of xjws are thinking of moving to texas, kind of looking at the area north of houston.

there seem to be plenty of apostates from texas on this forum.

is there anything i should know that is good or bad about that area?

beebee

I think you should go to the Dallas Crawfish boil Apostofest next month and meet a whole bunch of folks you can quiz. The weather then should be quite pleasant and you can take a week, and maybe check out Houston and other cities. Definitely make time for San Antonio, I think it's one of the best locations for a family vacation in the country. Why? Because there is a ton of touristy things to do and most are very, very reasonable. Not at all like Orlando where a week can cost you in excess of $5000. It's also very pretty.

SA is why I ended up in Texas. I hated California and wanted to make a change. After whittling down the list of criteria, the Southwest made the most sense. I wasn't impressed with Dallas (too flat and too urban) but loved SA. When I talked to friends about Texas, everyone said "Austin is a better match for you." I moved here sight unseen and not knowing a soul. I've been here 3 1/2 years and I can't go anywhere without running into someone I know. It IS that friendly.

San Antonio is far less expensive and larger than Austin, but life there is a slower pace, more conservative, and more heavily influenced by the strong military and hispanic presence. Like I said, different, not inferior, just different. Wages are lower and I suspect you have to be far more careful about which neighborhood you choose there.

There is also a large expanse of "Hill Country" in between SA and Austin. True country land and reasonably priced lake, creek or river frontage as well. Most of that is quite commutable to either city. The trees here are oaks and cedars, no pines.

One of the cooler aspects to Texas is how fast the microclimates can change. We have everything, beautiful pine forests, swamps, lakes, hills (there are "sort of mountains" closer to far west Texas), desserts, canyons, prairies, etc. There is a lot of diversity. If you like to be outdoors there is a ton of stuff to do.

Oh..and as stated above, no income taxes.

I suspect the quality of schools will vary but that info is published (I just got the updated report on my daughter's high school on Sat. 1% drop out rate and test scores far above state averages. Here they categorize schools and her school and district are "recognized," that just means that a certain percentage were above the state standard on the tests. I'd say my kids have had more good teachers than bad as compared to CA, but the administrators still have a high percentage of "morons."...

8

need new laptop battery

by zev in

jw
friends

i need a new battery for my toshiba satillite 1805-s204

the battery is a li-ion pa3107u-1brs

any suggestions for where the best place is to get the most battery for the buck?

beebee

I've gotten great deals on laptop batteries on ebay and am scoping laptop hard drives at the moment...blew it the other day by not bidding on a 40 G IBM travelstar laptop HD that ended up selling for $36 plus $9 for postage. That was a deal!

Suggestions...know what you are looking for, do your homework.
Read the description carefully. Some people offer warranties, some sell as is.
Don't bid until the last few minutes so you don't bid the price up and use the proxy bidder so you don't spend more than you want to.
Take a close look at the details and verify shipping costs. Some sellers mark shipping high and start their bids low. This is okay as long as it fits into the maximum you want to pay for the total.
Check the seller's feedback and make sure it's in the high 90's. If it is an inexperienced seller, the pricing should be lower. If you use paypal to pay (no cost to you), they automatically insure it up to $500 (that you get what you paid for)..

I've bought and sold quite a bit and only had one buyer screw me, and never had any problem with a seller.

26

Thinkin' of moving to Texas......

by target in

jw
friends

my little family of xjws are thinking of moving to texas, kind of looking at the area north of houston.

there seem to be plenty of apostates from texas on this forum.

is there anything i should know that is good or bad about that area?

beebee

I like Austin because it is green year-round, the weather is decent (not great when you've lived in CA most of your life..kind of hard to beat CA), the schools are much better where I'm at than what we had in CA. The cost of living in Austin is very high for TX, but cheap compared to what I'm used to. I don't know where you are in AZ, but I think it is cheaper here than in Phoenix, but I have no idea how it compares pricewise to the rest of AZ and property taxes are a significant concern.

I think the best thing about Austin is the lifestyle. This town is very friendly and not as "Texan" as the rest of the state. Because of the tech industry and the Universities (we have several, but UT is the biggest campus in the country with 55K students), the population is more diverse, and more laid back, than the rest of the state. I also like that I can be in an urban area, and choose a lifestyle from downtown (downtown Austin is surprisingly pricey) to suburban (my style) to country-sized lots, to true farm or hill country. You can find it all and not be more than 15 minutes from downtown.

Austin is also very clean and very safe. There is only one really crummy part of town and even that's being cleaned up and seems better than what I have seen in larger cities. There is very little poverty here.

I like the people and the fact there is so much to do. You would have to be very lazy to be bored here. We have the most active live music scene in the country. Outdoor sports, like biking, hiking, running and sportsmanship are all very big here. This city is so open. They closed Congress Street and had a huge, free block party and a parade when Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. Next week there is a citywide free cowboy breakfast (pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage) to celebrate the rodeo is in town. There may be a hundred different clubs you can join to meet people with similar interests (and tyydyy and I just started another). We also have hills - a scarce thing in TX.

It is also less "christian" and much less republican than much of the state. This is still the bible belt and most folks take church "downright seriously." I've encoutered a little ignorance and intolerance here (not used to any coming from CA) but not much, and probably far less than out in the sticks.

The downsides - it's still a medium-sized city so a lot of the really big cultural events, like broadway shows and concerts, bypass us in favor of the three larger cities - Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio (also a very beautiful city but different personality than Austin). We are getting some, but not like the bigger cities. The upside on that is that all three of those cities are not to far to drive if you have a good reason (SA - 1 hour, H - 3 or more depending on what part, D - 2 1/2 hours). Property taxes are also high, at least higher than what I'm used to. They vary considerably depending on the municipal district you are in and the school district. Mine are near the top of the heap at just over 3%. I just have to take a deep breath and remember that I couldn't have bought this house in CA, and if I did, the property taxes would be even higher because of the price.

Houston is very urban and very large and has all the perks of an international city. Traffic can be a nightmare and it takes an hour to get from one side to the other when traffic is good. Crime in parts of Houston is very bad. Of course you do not have to be a far drive to be past all that and out in the country. Houston has a lot of nice bedroom communities and it's cheaper than here. I have no idea how the schools compare but that is available on the net.

I would explore the job market in the field you are interested in very carefully. It seems the tech market here is getting better, but it is more of a creep, then a roaring return and wages vary wildly. 2 people could hold the same job, and have the same duties at two different companies and one could be making $9 hr, and another $22. On the upside, they seem to put a new Home Depot in here every few weeks and there is still a ton of construction happening.

As far as I know, the only place in the country where tech jobs are in abundance right now is in the Washington DC/ Reston VA area, but the cost of living there is one of the highest in the nation.

I hope that helps a little. I've definitely not lived in Houston, and really like it best when I'm driving through it on the way to New Orleans.

26

Thinkin' of moving to Texas......

by target in

jw
friends

my little family of xjws are thinking of moving to texas, kind of looking at the area north of houston.

there seem to be plenty of apostates from texas on this forum.

is there anything i should know that is good or bad about that area?

beebee

Do you like humidity? Coming from AZ, you may find the Houston area way too sticky. You might want to visit when it is hot first. Texas is so big and so diverse that different cities and areas can be very different in terms of personality. I'm up in Austin and Houston isn't my cup of tea, and yet I prefer it to Dallas. Clearly some love those cities. Depends on what you want, and how "country" you want.

What things are important to you when choosing a place to live? housing costs, lifestyle (urban, suburban, rural), schools, job market, night life, hobbies, etc.?

You can do quite a bit of homework on the net, but talking to residents is a bigger help.

Have fun sorting through it all.

12

Need Ideas - Parenting Problem/Question

by exjwshell in

jw
friends

here's a question to all of you parents out there.... do any of you, especially those who were born and raised as a jw, have trouble parenting your non-jw children?...

i've been "out" for 18 years and since then have married and had two children.

i find it incredibly difficult to not parent "witness style".

beebee

I forgot to add, I have two teen daughters of my own, 16 and 18, and so far they are good kids. They are both very comfortable saying "no" to the things I want them to at this point.

Oh, and definitely, if you haven't done so already, you must open the dialogs on sex. Not just the mechanics, and the warnings, and the how to be safe, but the emotional end of things too. You can't just say "Just say NO," because at some point they won't. You have to give them reasons to say no that appeal to their logic. A couple of things that help include the child having future desires and wishes that a baby would interfere with, and teaching self-respect.

You said you have a son, well if you haven't figured it out already, girls these days are very aggressive, and not all view sex as something special or sacred. No matter what neighborhood you have him in, there will be girls who will "hook up" and not give a darn. He needs some specific guidance on how to tread those waters and keep his dignity and face. Dad may be the better resource for that guidance. Guys need to know how to say "no" too, and that they too, have a right to be choosy.