Posts by Surfacing

I remember all the kids in my hall being so happy and excited when the speaker didn't show up and we started with the Watchtower! Then he would come in late and you'd hear a collective sigh because the meeting order was just reversed... no getting out early today kids!
In one hall we a had super keen elder who simply would NOT allow for there to be no public talk. He'd just go up there and wing it... it was actually usually funny because it was so incoherent and incohesive. The same guy would try to get everyone to trudge to the meeting in snowshoes during a snowstorm rather than "gasp" cancel a meeting.

108

My Story... please don't freak out on me...

by Big Shooter in

my story .

well, i am new here, and i have a very long story.

i don?t even know where to begin.

Surfacing

I'm going through a very similar experience. I know the pressures of family can seem overwhelming. The demands that the organization can put on you can feel like a crushing weight, and it's not something that you can just shrug off. Keep talking about it. I know I'm finally starting to feel a little better about it by just looking at things as objectively and sincerely as possible. You will find lots of support here.

Welcome!

12

Making a smooth transition out of the org... is it possible?

by Surfacing in

hello again friends,.

it's been a while since i posted.

thank you again for your kind words and advice.

Surfacing

Hello again friends,

It's been a while since I posted. Thank you again for your kind words and advice. I have enjoyed reading the many great and enlightening posts on this forum. Much has happened in the interim. I read Crisis of Conscience and was absolutely floored. My wife is now reading it as well and she is completely disgusted by religion and claims she doesn't believe the bible anymore. I think she feels betrayed... I still hold a firm belief in God and Jesus, and am sincerely trying to find out how to gain a REAL relationship with them.

We have repeatedly been emailed by a pioneer sister (and former pioneer partner of my wife's) in the hall. Since we've neither been to meetings nor in service she asked if she could check up on some of my wife's calls. She then asked if there was ANYTHING her or her elder husband could do to get us to go to meetings again. My wife immediately emailed her back ALL her calls' addresses and information, telling the pioneer sister she could do what she liked with them. I stole a few ideas from some posts on this forum and this is what we both decided to end the email with:

"Thank you for your concern for ~surfacing~ and I. Right now we are working things out and seeing a counselor. That is all I'm able to discuss at the present time. We really appreciate the love that everyone has given but are going to need some distance for a while. Thank you with lots of love, *********"

I was worried she might think the mention of the counselor would mean we are having marital difficulties (we aren't, ever since jumping off the treadmill we've been closer than ever, actually having TIME for eachother) but her reply just quoted Proverbs 18:24 and said she hoped that the distance we asked for didn't mean from the congregation (I suppose she is more concerned about that than their friendship?). She then gave the dates of the Memorial and the Special Talk coming up.

I really believe she is sincere, and feel sorry for having to reply in such a manner. My wife wasn't terribly close to her, all their association was basically service related. I'm terrified if we tell her the truth it will mean big trouble, her husband being super-elder and all. I'm planning on just leaving it where it's at right now... but I know our sudden distance from the congregation has come as a shock to everyone, and I'm doubtful they will just leave us alone. The elders have already arrived unannounced at our door several times (we haven't answered). We don't want to be rude to anyone, but I am terrified of the repercussions of just coming out and telling them what is really going on. Anyone else going through something similar? Any suggestions?

43

Does it ever get easier?

by Surfacing in

my heart is palpitating even as i write this.

it was only recently that i was introduced to this site.

i had long had doubts but could never bring myself to peer over the wall built in my head about the evils of apostates.

Surfacing

Thank you again to everyone who posted. It's heartwarming to see such a supportive group of positive people. I just recently met with my sister (who was never officially df'd but was considered as "dead" by my parents) who I haven't seen in ages and what an amazing reunion! I met my little nephew who is absolutely adorable. She just sat and listened as I talked about the terror and guilt I was feeling, and the resulting depression. She had an excellent point: "so you are terrified of dying at Armageddon, and yet you are trying to kill yourself?" She told me that I was a puzzle piece that was thrown in with the wrong pile, so no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit. It felt really good to hear someone telling me it was OK to be different. She talked about all the terrible things that happened to her, the disabling guilt she felt and still feels over 20 years later for "abandoning" her little brother (even though she was kicked out and repeatedly tried to contact me but was forbidden to), how she found a support system, and how she ultimately survived and became a stronger person. She encouraged me to keep posting on this site, and to follow through. On Monday she is taking me to see a counseller who has had lots of experience dealing with people struggling with these issues. I'm still terrified... still having the panic attacks and trouble sleeping, still dealing with the guilt of commiting the unforgivable sin (leaving the organization), but there is a glimmer of optimism, even (dare I say it?) excitement mixed with the fear. She really emphasized that there are a limitless number of possibilities for me now, and that it WILL get easier. I haven't felt positive about anything in SO long that even that feeling is scary to me. Strange.

I'm listening to everyone's advice and doing lots of research...I'm currently reading A History of Christianity by Paul Johnson, which is a secular book (something I was always warned against reading) dealing with the evolution of the faith. I'm learning the actual structure of the "first century congregation" was a very different organism from what I've always been taught! I'm also reading lots of old posts on this site and finding them enlightening and comforting. My wife has also been so supportive. She was only involved with the organization for 3 years before seeing through it, whereas I was raised in it. She is somewhat puzzled by my inability to let go; my terror and guilt. Only those who have really been immersed in the religion can understand the difficulty of attempting to think objectively whilst struggling with a belief system that has burrowed itself deep within your psyche, which is why I am enjoying this forum so much. There are some extremely intelligent and compassionate people here.

So once again I have dragged on. But thanks again to everyone for welcoming me. Having this forum is making a terrifying journey, seem a little more possible.

43

Does it ever get easier?

by Surfacing in

my heart is palpitating even as i write this.

it was only recently that i was introduced to this site.

i had long had doubts but could never bring myself to peer over the wall built in my head about the evils of apostates.

Surfacing

Wow. I hadn't anticipated this much of a reaction at all. Thank you to everyone for your candor. Thanks for making me feel welcome, because I haven't felt that in a while. The most frightening thing for me presently is being trapped. I can't leave or I'll lose everyone. I have a couple of sisters who are amazing people; great moms, dynamic personalities and intelligent. When they left I saw how my family treated them. I know what they told me about them, outright slanderous lies... and I was only a little child who grew to hate his older sisters. When they tried to contact me, I was told it Satan was using them to twist the truth and lead me away, when now I realise they simply wanted contact with their baby brother. I'm getting to know them again, which is a bright light in all of this. I just remember my mother saying, "how could anyone be so foolish to turn their back on Jehovah and everlasting life?" as I nodded my little head in agreement. It makes me sick to think she would say that about me to my family and friends. I don't know what I'll do in the future. I want to thank everyone for their helpful advice and kind words. It's been great just scanning this site realizing I'm not alone in everything. Maybe I will surface. I feel like I'm drowning right now though.

43

Does it ever get easier?

by Surfacing in

my heart is palpitating even as i write this.

it was only recently that i was introduced to this site.

i had long had doubts but could never bring myself to peer over the wall built in my head about the evils of apostates.

Surfacing

I'd like to say hello to everyone. My heart is palpitating even as I write this. It was only recently that I was introduced to this site. I had long had doubts but could never bring myself to peer over the wall built in my head about the evils of apostates. Most of you don't seem even remotely like the "evil wolves" I've been brought up to fear... just like average people, some who are hurting like me. I really stepped back and took an objective look at things during our last CO's visit. He gave a brief illustration which really bothered me. I'll try to give a synopsis:

"there is no reason to believe that just because we will be shielded, we will be completely ignorant to the destruction that will take place at Armageddon. So imagine seeing someone who was destroyed and recognizing their face. The person was in front of you in line at the grocery store reading the headlines of a current paper and saying "what is this world coming too?" But instead of witnessing to this person you reason that you don't have a tract, that you are too busy etc... now imagine having the knowledge after Armageddon that you could have saved this person.... the truth is that this would never happen. Because you would not have survived Armageddon due to your failure to witness to this person." I realized then that I had been condemned to death at Armageddon because I had failed to informal witness on MANY occasions. I have always had problems with feelings of guilt, but that was the nail in the coffin. My father (an elder) passed away tragically from a heart attack suddenly when I was 18. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, because these things are so difficult and some people don't feel comfortable dealing with people who have had a loss. But after the funeral NOONE reached out to me. I befriended a "worldly" girl at school and it wasn't until then that the elders paid attention to me. I was "marked" (I still don't understand the criteria for that particular "discipline") and was told that if I wanted to see my father again my attitude would have to change. I'm a kid who is experiencing incredible grief and they drop that reasoning on me. I left for a while and basically ran away to try to figure things out. I experienced panic attacks and anxiety. I decided to return and after a JC, was NOT df'd but was without priviledges for a long time. It was explained to me that my panic attacks were most likely demon related, but upon my wholehearted return to the organization they didn't stop. My girlfriend came back with me and started studying. She was approved for baptism and I proposed to her, I gave her an engagement ring and and we starting sitting together at the meetings. We were immediately counseled that this was wrong. The PO asked me who gave me permission to propose, since she had not actually been baptised, but was only approved. I decided to stay "humble" and ask for the ring back. It broke my heart as she sobbed and asked "why." Things improved. We got married (but weren't allowed to get married inside a Kingdom Hall because I still had one restriction left over a year after returning.) and she eventually became a pioneer. She totally rejected her family because they were evil Catholics and it really confused and hurt them. She always had doubts about the organization, and would secretly voice them to me, saying that even though it was evil to think along these lines, she couldn't help but wonder if the emphasis on constant meeting attendance wasn't a form of distraction from the "real world"; a type of brainwashing. She became very disillusioned with pioneering, the backbiting, lying about hours, the righteousness that is automatically attributed to one who holds such a title. She came off the list because of her conscience a couple of months ago.

I know I have dragged on. If I even choose to send this I would like to say thank you to anybody who is listening and can maybe relate. Thank you to this forum for giving me a place to vent. My question is fairly simple. Does it get easier? I'm getting better with the panic attacks (doing my own research and realising that it is because I have a lot of unresolved issues, not necessarily because the demons are attacking me), but I still have this terrible, impending sense of doom. Am I on the dark side? Have I really lost all hope of seeing my father because of the way I'm thinking now? Or am I finally at a stage where I can "surface" and see with some clarity? Sometimes I fear the ping pong game in my head is driving me to insanity. The guilt is so overwhelming, yet when I really analyze it, I don't think I'm really that evil. I love God and want to be a good person. I thank him for my wife. Am I alone in these feelings?