Posts by dubstepped

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

So this morning we took our second car to the shop for repair. (This is going somewhere, I promise.) We went to work and came home a bit early. We watched some videos online of a young couple that were posted here who left the organization. My wife told me on the way home from work that she was ready to disassociate, but I wanted to give her time. So, we're discussing dinner and everything that she throws out as an option is something we're out of, lol. She decides that she would like pizza, and I agree. So, she takes our one car out to get pizza. When she returns she asked if I had visitors. What visitors? Well, it turns out that the elder that called us yesterday that we ignored tried to stop by with his wife. Seeing no cars at the house, they moved on, despite the fact that I was sitting in here watching tv and waiting for pizza.

So, they are clearly coming after us even if we don't want it. Why? I don't know. However, they didn't take ignoring as an answer and suddenly after ignoring us for years we're a hot item. Our letters of DA are now stamped and ready to go out tomorrow in the mail. We've asked for a letter confirming receipt and the announcement. The circumstances that led to them missing us today, which wouldn't have been welcomed, just confirmed to my wife that Jehovah has got this. He has been there for us during this entire journey, even while those bearing his name have ignored us for years. The chance of all of those things happening in that timing tonight were very slim. So, although it still feels like a kick in the pants because nobody wants to have to make these decisions, we await official freedom from the bondage to a religion that only wants to talk to us if they think we may have done something wrong. We will be able to sit on our porch in peace.

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

My wife brought the subject up today and is feeling like sending her letters now too. However, I want to give her some time to think on it and process her feelings. I would never want her to make a decision she regrets. Apparently addressing the letters really made her feel the weight and permanence of all of this. It's funny. I was crushed and felt it while writing the letters, and she felt it while addressing them. That's pretty much us, lol, just a little out of sync time wise.

As we were talking something hit me. During the RC while Stewart was grilling some elder on the stand about child abuse he made the point that JW's don't care about those outside the organization and their kids. They do nothing to protect them by not pushing for police involvement. What it made me think of is how we as JW's or even former JW's still think of things through that narrow focus, seeing things through their eyes. However, what about us? In this case my wife and I, and many here that have posted or pm'ed me have been concerned about our family's reaction. What if they never talk to us again? After all, DA'ing puts up another barrier. But that's seeing things only through the actions that they might take. What about us? Do we want to have any interactions with them really? What would we talk about, as their lives are pretty much wrapped up in being one of Jehovah's Witnesses? Even if we could talk freely, would they respect boundaries and not try to preach to us? How would that make us feel? Or you, if that's your situation? We keep looking at "losing our families" and being crushed by it, and it is indeed a sad thing. But the reality seems to be in most cases that unless we on this side of things went back to being a Witness or unless they started to come our direction, we really couldn't have much of a relationship anyway. JW's are very black and white, all or nothing, and the religion is the focal point of their lives. Notice that I didn't say Jehovah and Jesus was the focal point, but more so the performing of tasks given by the organization. I'm afraid that even just knowing TTATT puts distance between us that is tough to ever bridge.

Does anyone here that hasn't DA'ed have a great relationship with those that they are staying in for? From looking around the forum I don't see much. I see lots of people that are agitated by the loved ones in their lives that try to preach to them, or that try to trick them into doing something that would get them DF'ed, or similar other negative posts. Maybe I should start a thread about it just out of curiosity. Are there good relationships that can withstand the differences caused when someone starts to see things differently and breaks away? Are people avoiding DA'ing just on a hope and a prayer and no real proof that it works out?

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

If we just ignore them and refuse any contact, can't they just DF us by default for insubordination or something like that? Or can't they enter in a DA on our behalf because of refusal to associate?

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

We could move, but that seems extreme to me. Then we'd have to give up new friends we're cultivating and our business too. I'd DA all day long before I gave them that kind of power.

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

Thanks for the support. My wife started wavering last night when she was actually addressing her letters to family. I understand why and we slept on it last night. Baby steps. We had a decision to pull the plug but at the last hour my wife was overtaken by grief and couldn't follow through. That's okay and we'll just ignore the phone calls from elders and see how my wife feels about things given a little more time for it to sink in. We do this together, whatever it ends up being. For now we'll treat them like bill collectors and ignore them until we're either forced into a situation where we need to DA, or we'll wait and see if my wife can follow through. Shit gets real, as they say, when you're one step away from it all (putting the envelopes in the mailbox). It overwhelmed her and I can't say I blame her for that. The whole thing is overwhelming because none of us want these choices. A win-win would be for everyone to get to be themselves without consequence, but once a teenager makes that lifelong contract with an organization they must be held to it I guess for the rest of their lives. How would JW's react if in their preaching work they were talking to Catholics or Baptists who would be forever shunned for conversion to the JW religion. They would bad mouth those religions for doing such. It's all just so hypocritical and awful. They have set things up to give them power over your decisions and consequences thereof. I understand that some don't want to admit the authority they have, but they have it. You can disavow their authority all you want, deny that they have it, and it may be true that they can't influence who I am, but they have my family and therefore have authority to mess up my day, week, or life. The power over me is nil, but the power over others is great, and that power affects me whether I like it or not. That power got to my wife last night. We'll see what happens.

I appreciate you hearing me out. It helps to have a place to go talk about this stuff. Both of us have been bullied in life as kids. Both of us have been incredibly lonely in the organization with no real friends. To add another layer of rejection is fairly traumatic, and my wife in particular struggles with the rejection she's experienced in her life. Never had any friends growing up in the organization. Came from an odd family that set her up for failure socially. Being approved of or wanted or liked is huge to the average person, maybe even more huge when you've always wanted it and it has been kept from you. This is just another layer to add on top. It is a shame because my wife is the most beautiful person inside that I've ever met. It makes me so angry but there's nothing I can do about it. She has so many scars from the years of being treated poorly by people in this organization. Time will tell what she is able to do and maybe we'll need an external nudge. If that comes, we're certainly prepared.

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

Because that's a lot of stamps and letters to address for an ineffectual campaign against people I have no beef with. No reason to feed the bitter, mentally diseased apostate stereotype. I'll let them wonder. Also, none of them were really close to us anyway, so its impact would be diminished. I'd rather try to build a bridge that others might cross someday than burn them all down.

25

Soooo, when I tell you I feel it's a cult

by cognac in

jw
friends

why would you proceed to invite me to their meetings?

wtf?

how much clearer can i make my stance????

dubstepped

When I wanted to stop pioneering the elders wouldn't accept my deletion. I tried twice to no avail. Just stick it out, they said. When the CO came for a visit I pulled the CO and PO (it was years ago) together and said "I quit" in no uncertain terms. I was subsequently deleted but also pulled into a room so the PO could chastise me for my handling of the matter.

They don't listen unless you beat them in the head with a club they're so dense. It's about what they want for you. Who are you to decide, lol.

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

I'll be honest. I think that screwing with them or trying to prove points isn't productive. I've written very loving letters that do have some points in them (more direct to the elders and more subtle to family) and that's my methodology. I have no desire to stoop to the levels they do when they talk about other religions. Love was my wake up call and love will be the way I go out. That's not to say that I'm writing wussified pandering letters accepting the shame that they want me to hold for my decision. I will probably share my letter later. I've read samples online and they're very combative. You catch more flies with honey, not that I'm trying to manipulate like the organization does. I'm just being authentic and the anti-organization. They're cold and rigid and sterile. One of my many mottos is "rise above" and that's my goal.

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

True closure happens when I'm six feet under. That will hopefully be a while. Do for now they will have no ability to interrupt my day and the fear they instilled will dissipate. To allow them to continue playing games with me is to give them power. Our families will give them power but that's on them. We're just stating our authentic place.

I've never been a pretender and I don't plan on starting now. Everyone else gets to be them and I'll be me. I'm the guy that stands up when others won't. I'm also a tad obsessive compulsive and need a clean slate and to eliminate worries.

I'm just thankful to have my wife with me.

53

Just wrote my DA letter....

by dubstepped in

jw
friends

my wife and i planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done.

i know that many play the game to try to stay in, but i'm not a game player and neither is my wife.

our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member.

dubstepped

My wife and I planned on fading but the elders now want a shepherding call and we are just done. I know that many play the game to try to stay in, but I'm not a game player and neither is my wife. Our families already shun us because we reached out to a disfellowshipped family member. I know people here encouraged us not to play their game but we want closure. It is tough to feel sick every time the phone rings or someone is outside our home. If not now, when we take blood or any number of things we'll be waiting for the hammer to drop. Maybe our exit wakes someone up. Who knows. The last thing we want is a shepherding call or anything of the sort. We'd rather just pull the trigger and avoid contact altogether.

So, what's the process? We send our letter to a few elders to make sure it is received. How long until they announce? Will they announce at the Halls we grew up in where our families attend?

Thanks for your input. We feel a mixture of relief and the desire to throw up.