Same thing happened to my brother close to 15 years ago. He had a girl living with him and hadn't been to meetings in probably about the same amount of time, maybe more, it was a long time ago. Anyway, elders tried to hunt him down relentlessly. I didn't know where he lived, just a street, and I knocked on doors myself to find him, not to get him in trouble, but because I cared for my brother and wanted him to not be alone. He was fading. Anyway, an elder in my congregation cornered me in the KH after a meeting right in the auditorium. He demanded to know my brother's whereabouts because they wanted to "help" him. I told them that the Bible says that they are to go find their lost sheep and abandon the flock to do so. I went and found him, so why couldn't they do the same out of their love and desire to "help" him. Things got super heated, enough that another elder stepped in to calm the first down. F&@! them, I'm not there to do their dirty work for them.
Ultimately, they found out where he worked and stalked him there. They waited for him to come out of work and he was "invited" to a judicial committee meeting. If he declined, he'd be disfellowshipped in absentia. He didn't attend and that's what happened. He wanted to disappear and live his life and be left alone. That's all he ever wanted from the time he left home.
I was told even just a year from then that it's not how things worked anymore. Elders don't hunt people down that just want to leave, and I actually know someone that they never pursued that should have been DF'ed back then. It hurt me a lot that my brother was DF'ed, and this other person wasn't. I really struggled to make sense of it. My mom told me that "those whom Jehovah loves, he disciplines", and that brought me comfort as I grasped for straws way back then. It comforted me to think that maybe Jehovah loved my brother and saw something in him that would result in him coming back. Now I know that it's just selective enforcement punitive bullshit that was executed upon my brother because he was from our uber-dub family with my elder father. The other kid was left alone because his dad never really attended, his mom did occasionally, and they just never cared about them in any way so if they left, meh.....who cares. My brother though had to be made an example.
I wish I had good news for you. Here we are 15 years after my brother's ordeal and the same stuff still happens. You know how this will play out. Maybe you can threaten attorneys and stuff, I personally just think this will go down regardless as a DF'ing and you're going to have to move on with your life and leave that chapter behind regardless of what you do at this point. Maybe it works for some, but I haven't seen it work. Sometimes in life you have to let the chips fall as they may and realize that you don't have control. My wife and I DA'ed after things happened that were out of our control as the last measure of doing things on our terms, and it was great. You have choices, none are particularly great, as that's what cults do. You just have to pick what feels right to you and what you've got the strength or personality to do.
