Paranoia will destroy ya. And the organization counts on that to keep you in the fold. It worked on me for some time. So scared of what people would think of that pic I posted on Facebook or that song I said I liked, and God forbid I be seen with unacceptable human beings. As imprisoning as that is, the freedom on the other side is equally sweet.
My wife and I started reaching out to people we came in contact with outside the organization. Those connections were far more supportive of us than those who were supposed to be our brothers and sisters ever were in decades of service. We now have friends that choose to be our friends. We're still new to all of this and don't have deep friends that we can call anytime from the new bunch, but being open and honest with people about what's going on has been huge. It helped us work through the situation and helped us know we aren't alone. As did the people here. I've also reconnected with my brother who I shunned for many years, as well as a friend from 13 years ago. Having those roots back in my life is amazing.
Another thing that helped me feel less alone was reading Ray Franz's book Crisis Of Conscience. It is a must read. It validated so much of what we felt and saw and we didn't feel like crazy people anymore. You can read it online for free. I listened to the audio while I worked in our business.
The fact is that you will feel lonely at times. It is part of the process. However, you will emerge as the authentic you, likely for the first time. My wife said she's never seen me so free, and I'm still in the process of DA'ing, waiting for the announcement. That's a heavy thing, and I'm in such a better place.
Read books on boundaries and emotional abuse and narcissism and you'll find answers to a lot of messed up things you've been around. A New Earth by Eckhart Toole was huge in freeing us from the ego that being in the organization formed to help us feel like we were in control. We now are our true selves and that defensiveness you see in your husband is likely his ego feeling scared and out of control. Under that ego is likely an amazing person just screaming to get out but masked by what's been put on him.
I could go on forever. Be patient and loving. Remember that even on a plane you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help someone else. So take care of yourself. Read and research and learn. Don't become bigger and swing the opposite way and let frustration with the organization make you just as zealous against it as you were for it. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I'm starting to get to the point, after hurt and rage, where I can see that a freedom exists where I won't have to follow them or care what they do anymore. Once doing so gets me out and allows me to process what was done to me, I look forward to moving on to better things and not caring about them anymore so that they have no more hold on me. To hate them is to give them power.
I guess I'll stop before I write a self-help book, lol.