a big hug for desertflower. ((((((((((((((((((((desertflower)))))))))))))))) i can't begin to fathom how hard it is to leave the borg after that long...if i still prayed i''d pray for the day my family would do that, but i don't think they have the courage. you, are so brave, hubby too, please know that you are cared for, and not alone. (((((((((((((desertflower)))))))))))))))))))
castles...god, i remember that feeling. it's so hard, it's a living hell. a living death, a death of people still alive in body but who will not deal with you when you are who you really are. they are drones, they don't have control of their own minds and hearts, we were them once, i pity them now where i raged at their behavior before.
they say depression is anger turned inward. i had no idea how angry i was until recently about the things my family has put me through because i divorced a man who treated me like **** and married one who treats me like gold. because i chose a better life than one of abuse for myself and my daughter, i lost the vast majority of my jw family, and the few who still see me (my parents, basically, older sister stuck it out awhile then her elder husband pulled her back into line) go through hell fearing for my salvation. even though even my own mother has to admit that i am happier now than i ever have been in my life.
the thing is...you have to realize that when you're living a real life, an authentic life, you're going to have bad times. horrible things happen. some people have faith in a higher power to carry them through, some, i don't know i guess just get by on sheer stubbornness or defiance of giving up. i have no faith left in me in any benevolent spirit saving the world or hearing pleas for help, but i am at peace with that now.
i cannot recommend enough to you a small book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has helped me in ways i can't put into words, to see the actions of myself, and others, clearly. it's worth the investment of time to read, it's not a really long book.
i'm rambling on here, very reflective this morning for reasons i'll put into another thread...but anyway, please know that this is part and parcel of leaving a high control group like the WTS.
please, please also know that around the corner is a level of peace, happiness, freedom, and self-acceptance that you can't imagine possible at the moment; it's there, i promise you. you just have to be ready for it.
hang on, it gets better. maybe not easier in the sense that none of this ever gets easy, but you will have more good time than bad moments in the days to come. just be sure you keep your heart open to good things around you, volunteering your time is a great way to get some perspective and something jw's were never supposed to do (i mean charity stuff). pick a cause you care for and spend some time helping it along. any little gesture you make to give, will come back to you over and over.
hugs and understanding...
fleur
