Glad you joined the board and hope you stay and read . In 1996 I would have sounded much like you. First the Watchtower Society does not speak for Jehovah. Second, you grew up with some mentally ill , seriously dysfunctional people. I did too. It took me years of therapy to figure out I was not crazy- I was raised in a crazy environment .
You sound really depressed and should probably go see a therapist and just tell them what you have told us. They will probably refer you to a doctor who can prescribe meds.
You are not evil- the WTS is evil for making people feel this bad about themselves. Dude ( or dudette) , do you have any dead bodies in the trunk of your car? If not you are just a human like the rest of us.
Listen to Todd Snider , song called " Alright Guy ( or Gal)