everyday i wake up with knots in my stomach and trouble breathing. my life continues to go into a downward spiral. in the past, i had my dependence on God. my family life has been dysfunctional then my social life became sordid since high school. my issue is this, my mother and one of my older half-sister that i grew up with were religious. however they were abusive to me (not only to me tho but anyway). i couldnt find solace in our place of worship either.
the people of this religious congregation that we switch to when i was in middle school were cold and nasty to me. it was a new congregation but the same religion i grew up with. i began saying to myself well Jehovah God obviously doesnt want me apart of his organization. their religion is under the umbrella of Christianity but it is an organization that is slightly different from main stream Christianity.
eventually my flawed logic and feelings began to go into dark places. i started to think things about Jehovah God that were not true. i started to think maybe im worshiping the wrong God and "someone bad" else instead, and other awful things. things that led me to commit the unforgivable sin. the unforgivable sin is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit” in Matthew 12:31-32
i approached my mother with my concerns. she just replied oh well even the sun shines on sinners. ive had a stressful life that seems to get only worse no matter how i try to make improvements. its make me angry and depressed how my life has been so unpleasant and how i will only go on to suffer even more after i die. no matter how hard i try to live my life according to God he will never forgive me and i suffer the consequences by being destroyed or eternal hell fire.
i remember my mother cursing me out because i wasnt addressing her to hello after i came home from school i just go to my room. after cursing me out. i began to laugh out of nervousness and she told me that she wouldnt care if i burned in hell. even tho her religion doesnt subscribe to the traditional view of people burning in hell, i felt like she had evil intentions for me beyond this life at that moment which eventually has come to be true i will suffer after this life.
i remember my mother saying since she is a baptized Jehovah Witness she has complete reign over everyone in the house. i thought immediately i cant be a JW and live here too. But I shouldnt have thought that. I've always been a weak person running away from pain
my dad said he wasnt stupid enough to believe all people of my mothers religion or God was bad due his few experiences with the organization. he is not apart of my mother religion even tho they are married. i wasnt smart or spiritual strong to withstand what i was going through. i still live at home, ive had trouble gaining stable employment even after obtaining a decent degree. i carry huge resentment toward my mom and sister for my unforgivable sin ive made even tho it is my fault . my dad said he hope i get a decent job soon so i can move out, distant myself away from them and the other family chaos then he might be leaving too.
i cant get out of this circle of mess ive created. atleast when ppl committed to suicide or die natually they have hope of finding peace. but after i died im going to suffer more and more than ive had on earth