Posts by BugEye

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?

A death.

What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

A Texan, a Russian, and a guy from New York are all in a restaurant in London.

When the waiter arrived at the table he said, "Excuse me, but due to our "Mad Cow" disease here in England, if you order the steak, you might not get one, as there is a shortage".

To which the Texan replied, "What's a shortage?"

...and the Russian replied, "What's a steak?"

...and the guy from New York said, "What's "Excuse Me?"

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

(From a "Most Embarrassing Moment" Contest in New Woman Magazine)

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ...

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

TOP 14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz
(Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though =) - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

25

Funnies!

by nicolaou in

jw
friends

seems like so many of us have a good joke or funny story to tell.

i thought it might be a good idea to have somewhere to put them.. nic'.

junior's room.

BugEye

Beer Troubleshooting
********************
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.