BugEye

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Posts by BugEye

• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

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  BugEye

  This one is a little crude, you have been warned

  Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark, a pistol shot."

  On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair
  maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."

  The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shishtel pit! Cow shit!! Bull shit!! I didn't want to be in your damned play anyway!"
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  More Inane Ponderings

  Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.

  If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?

  Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

  Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?

  When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

  What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

  Is it possible to be totally partial?
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  Inane Ponderings

  1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

  2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

  3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

  5. How is it possible to have a civil war?

  6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

  7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

  8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

  10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

  11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

  12. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?

  13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

  14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

  16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

  17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

  18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  19. What happens when none of your bees wax?

  20. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

  21. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  22. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

  "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

  "Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

  "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
  "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

  "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"

  "READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that
  program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

  "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

  "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

  His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
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• 

  BugEye

  Top ten reasons studying is better than sex!

  You can usually find someone to do it with.
  If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
  You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
  When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
  A little coffee and you can do it all night.
  If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".
  You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
  You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
  You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
  If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

  The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

  "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

  "Oh, damn!" said the farmer. "You've shot the missus!"
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."

  Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

  Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

  Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
  "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

  "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
  figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  A guy walks into see his doctor and the doctor asks him "What seems to be the problem?"

  The guy replies "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone, Can you help me you fat ugly bastard?"
• 
  305

  Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

  by Seven in

  1. social
  2. humour

  happy monday!.

  had no price tag.

  much to her embarrassment the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear: "price check on lane thirteen, tampax, supersize.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  BugEye

  An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

  Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

  Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"

  Nothing.

  Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He
  asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

  The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"