None because my conscience goaded me into leaving a few years before I was even connected to the net. Nor had I read any books. No outside influence caused my exit, but it has certainly been great to find a few communities of people who can relate to my early life experiences.
caligirl
JoinedPosts by caligirl
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19
What impact did the internet have on your decision to leave the JW's?
by JH in.
on another thread, a co says that sites like these don't have much impact on their numbers.. personally i didn't leave because of this site or any other xjw site.. i was unhappy and felt that something was wrong and this site confirmed what i felt.. how about you?
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148
A bit reluctant
by saki2fifty ini'm a bit reluctant in writing this post, for i dont feel i should be here.
even a bit nervous... .
i've never officially dedicated myself to jehovah, but i was brought up in the truth, very strong, and at times when getting older, there were lulls in my attendance... yet to this day i still attend.
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caligirl
Ok, so I can't let this thread end with that last post from hummingbird. Kind of reminds me of a little kid that puts their hands over their ears and screams "LA LA LA LA I CAN"T HEAR YOU" at the top of their lungs to drown out what they do not want to hear. Fear can be a powerful thing, and it is a natural gut instinct to hide from things that challenge you to closely examine what you think is true. It is far easier to close the door and refuse to look.
But I digress.
First, welcome to the board saki2. It is not a bad place to hang and gain some perspective you might not otherwise have encountered.
For the record, I am not DF'd or DA'd. I quietly faded into the woodwork in my early 20's for personal reasons and very few people noticed my absence. I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents and a great family life, similar to what you describe. The congregation was another story. Wasn't really "feelin the love" from that location, but because it was primarily my only social life, I looked forward to going to see the few people I counted as friends. I had numerous experiences that made me question what was being taught from the platform, but I squashed them for years until the anxiety of living a life that caused me great internal crisis won out. My conscience would no longer allow me to stay.
Things I heard just didn't add up for me. I would hear the scripture read about how Christ's yoke is kindly and his load is light, and reflect on the craziness of our lives with all the meeting requirements and service and personal study and think to myself, " If THIS is what a light load feels like, I have no desire to feel what the heavy load is!" Mind you that I was about 12 when this thought started to occur to me.
When I made the decision to stop going, I thought that I had no faith left. I felt that all my experiences (too numerous to address here) had killed any faith I might have had. I didn't even know if I still believed in God. But slowly over the years, I have come to realize what true faith and joy is. I understand what Jesus was saying when he fortold that his true followers would be dragged before religious leaders for not following tradition and dictates, for daring to go against the establishment, the power structure. I understand what it means to not allow men to be masters over my faith. I know a personal relationship with God does not come from where you are on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday.
You see, the faith that I have now is built on the rock mass that the scriptures discuss. It cannot be shifted or destroyed by what I read, who I talk to or what I see. It is truly in my heart now. I can acknowledge other's right to their position and even put myself in their place without feeling the least bit frightened of my faith being shaken. I can even acknowledge how some people might not believe in god at all. The faith that I was taught as a witness was built on sand - easily derailed because there was no foundation to build on. I came to realize why it was constantly pounded into my head that I should not read anything that challenged what was being taught through the literature and at meetings. It was because what I had been taught to be absolute truth would crumble like a stale cookie under the slightest challenge. I know what a personal relationship with God is. I just never had it until I left. And I never realized the all consuming fear that I had been taught to have of anyone with a divergent opinion, until I could look at the organization through the eyes of an outsider and realize that I had been actively taught to fear anything from an outside source. I did not get onto the internet until several years after my last meeting. Websites or books had nothing to do with my decision to leave. I never discussed it with anyone. It was purely an internal decision based on instinct. It certainly felt great when I did stumble accross the sites on the internet to know that there were literally thousands of others who had questioned the same things I did.
So I wish you well on your journey. You have opened the door, where you go from here is truly up to you. You have the freedom of choice to run back into the house and slam the door, or walk out and explore all there is to see before you decide what you want to do with your life. A great place to start might be talking with you father and siblings and truly listening to what they have to say, even if you might be afraid to hear it.
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21
KH Builds are a statistical sham!
by jeeprube inwell my mother-in-law is spending the night and blabbing about their kh build.
since i'm drinking whiskey (canadian if you must know), i feel like going on a rant.
i'm sick of kh builds.
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caligirl
Completely. The hall I grew up in is doing one next weekend. Not because they have outgrown, but because they lost their additional parking. The old KH is becoming a dentist's practice, which cracks me up. Too bad there wasn't any laughing gas there to partake of when I was attending. It would have made it a lot more interesting!
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As An Ex or Fading Witness, Do You Have Any Goals?
by minimus indo you hope to accomplish anything at this point in your life?
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caligirl
Yes, a very long and happy life and 20 years from now, I will be lauging my a** off at all the people who are still waiting expectantly for God to zap me with a big old lightening bolt or swallow mw up in a big earthquake fault line.
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Permanent Make-Up
by AudeSapere inpermanent make-up.
has anyone here looked into it?
are you happy you did it and how often to you have to have it touched up?.
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caligirl
A woman I used to work with had eyeliner, lip liner and I think brows and maybe even some blush. She had nothing bad to say about it, and there is something to be said for being able to roll out of bed and be done with it!
I think the only thing I might consider is eyeliner because it is a pain, and for me, always smudges and I have to constantly worry whether or not I look like a racoon. But I haven't reached the point of checking it out in detail yet.
Do what feels right for you!
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Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia?
by caligirl inanyone out there have any personal experience with this?
just looking for input and suggestions.
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caligirl
Thanks everyone for the continued input! I appreciate it all.
My method of dealing with it is to go out and do what I have to do when I have to do it. Do I feel better on those days when I know that the farthest I will have to go from my house is my driveway? Absolutely? Will I let that stop me? No way. I love life too much to let it control me, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy my outings all the time. Most of the time, I have a pain in my chest the entire time. But I know that it will go away as soon as I am home( most of the time), and that most of my errands mean I am out of the house for only an hour or so. It is when I am out for several hours at a time that I have trouble with it. I just don't leave home without the xanax just in case.
I am just of the opinion that the best place to go for suggestions is to people who have experienced, or are experiencing the same thing, and I thank all of you who have stepped up and offered suggestions. I am going to put many to use and will let you all know what works.
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50
Do you look your age?
by Virgochik inhow many of you guys are like me?
raised in the truth, (or joined later), but here we are, finding ourselves in our thirties, forties, or fifties....and the end hasn't come.
we were never supposed to get this old!.
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caligirl
I'm usually told that I look about 25. I keep the gray hairs covered, wear sunscreen, and most importantly sunglasses, even when it is cloudy because squinting makes LOTS of wrinkles around the eyes.
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Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia?
by caligirl inanyone out there have any personal experience with this?
just looking for input and suggestions.
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caligirl
Ms.McDucket- Thanks for the input- I have had the concrete diagnosis of panic disorder for several years now - other causes have already been ruled out. Irrational fear is definitely the culprit in my case!
dames, I agree - the act of doing something does help. I have started calling my Mom or sister on the phone when I have to be out of the house which helps immensely. I also feel that recognizing when they happen is the first step to controlling them.
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Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia?
by caligirl inanyone out there have any personal experience with this?
just looking for input and suggestions.
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caligirl
The thing with crowds has bothered me since my late teens - got much better when I stopped going to meetings and conventions because I was rarely faced with having to be in a crowded situation. Then slowly, airports have started to bother me, and more recently it is the idea of being out and around at all. So I guess you could say that it has gotten progressively worse.
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Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia?
by caligirl inanyone out there have any personal experience with this?
just looking for input and suggestions.
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caligirl
WA, thanks for the response. And yes, I relate to what you describe 100%. I have had panic disorder for some time, and I have Xanax to be used, which is like an instant cure and fantastic, but my doctor doesn't want me to use it very often, and doesn't want me to drive while taking it either, which presents a problem.
The problem is that I am starting to notice that 90% of my panic attacks occur when I leave home (as in get in the car to go places) and I find myself staying home more and more. And I don't want to. I love to travel and go places, but I am so supremely uncomfortable when I leave my house that I find myself leaving only when I can't get out of it.
It is not that I don't go out, I force myself to do what HAS to be done (shopping, errands, etc) but all I can think about is getting home as soon as possible. For instance, yesterday, I went out twice. Both times, I felt fine before leaving home. As soon as I get in the car and back out of the garage, I start to sweat, chest pain, breathless, irritable the whole bit and this lasts the whole time I am out. . As soon as I come home, it all but goes away. Thinking back, that has happened every time I have left home in recent memory, wheras when I am at home, I am mostly fine.