Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror...the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
Posts by Caole
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37Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
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Caole
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37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
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Caole
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said. -
3
Sunspot
by Caole inhey sunspot...you may not remember me(it's been a while)...i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am about the loss of your mother and for all you're going through with your family.
i hope you didn't think i'd forgotten you...i've tried to stay in touch, but my messages wouldn't go through.
hugs,.
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Caole
Hello again Sunspot! I was sooo happy to see your reply here(I thought I might never hear from you again). I've been wondering how you and your family have been doing for quite some time also. In fact, you're the reason I came to this board
Did you get the email I sent? I added 59 after your old user name(with no spaces in between). If you didn't get it then somebody else did Let me know if I messed it up, k?
Well, I've got to get going Give my regards to the family! Talk to you later Sunspot!
Hugs,
Caole -
3
Sunspot
by Caole inhey sunspot...you may not remember me(it's been a while)...i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am about the loss of your mother and for all you're going through with your family.
i hope you didn't think i'd forgotten you...i've tried to stay in touch, but my messages wouldn't go through.
hugs,.
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Caole
Hey Sunspot...You may not remember me(it's been a while)...I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your mother and for all you're going through with your family. I hope you didn't think I'd forgotten you...I've tried to stay in touch, but my messages wouldn't go through
Hugs,
Caole -
37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
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Caole
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..but pigeon-toed,"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "she's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away. Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.....pregnant when you met her." -
37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
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Caole
The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why
US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate
and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted
me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response....click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked, "What was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said, "He was expecting an
ocean-view room." I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map.
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? I said, "No, why do you
ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it,
(I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said,"Yea, whatever."
A woman called to make reservations,"I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with,"I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country
and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,"Oh don't
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! The agent scoured a
map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo,
do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" -
37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
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Caole
hehe..."do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"...good one Waiting
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the engine of a V8 Esprit
when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in the shop, standing off to the
side waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his Lotus.
The mechanic called across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over
here for a minute." The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
a little contentiously, "Doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work
as well as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I
are doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it when the
engine is running." -
37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
-
-
Caole
How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is the same gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected]
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc. in
the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there,
lean back, rub your stomach and say, " You've got to be faster than
that."
Put decafe in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don't use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather that walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera. -
37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
-
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Caole
Following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx Brothers -
37
Never Ending Jokes - Part II
by waiting inoops............ i tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "internal error" message.
seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?.
the following was sent to me by prisca, remember her?
-
-
Caole
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, etc. In
short, everything they could think of. FINALLY, in a last ditch
effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead he went straight to
his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all
over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother is amazed.
She calls him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he is done he
marches back to his room without a word and in no time he's back to hitting
the books just as hard as before.
THIS GOES ON FOR SOME TIME.
Finally, Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the
table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation,
his mom looks at it and to her surprise....Tommy got an A in math!
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says,
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. Then she asks, "Was it the books,
the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?" Tommy looks
at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy
nailed to the plus sign... I knew they weren't fooling around!"