I kinda feel bad even saying anything because it's a lot worse for her family than me I'm certain, but there isn't really anywhere else I can vent like this.
Don't feel bad about saying anything. The fact that it's harder on her family than it is on you doesn't mean that your grief isn't painful, too. Grieving is a process, and talking about it helps you get through it.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
GGG