I don't really think it will make much difference when I do decide to leave. I know my mom will be really hurt. That is what I fear the most. But not the elders or anyone else..just me hurting her.
I understand perfectly. I plodded along as best I could until I graduated college at age 22. I got my first "real" (money making) job and moved out six months later. Six months after that, my meeting attendance had stopped completely to the point where I was called on it by my family. I told them I just couldn't make myself be a witness anymore. Mom said in kind voice, "But, you'll be destroyed." I told her that was okay with me. I didn't want to live forever. They sent elders to my door, to which I did not answer.
My family stopped talking to me for a good six months. I expected it to be forever, even though it was heartbreaking. They slowly came around. First, I would meet them to eat once in a while. Then, I would come over for dinner once in a while. Now, it is really weird how much they are willing to associate with me. I talk to my sisters several times a week, and my mom once a week. I am very open about not being a witness. It has been five years now.
When you leave, you cannot avoid hurting your mom, but she has to take responsiblity for her own feelings and you, yours. When you do finally leave, I guarantee you it will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you will live through it, and it is very possible that your relationship with your mom will bare the storm, too. I promise you, it will be worth it in the end. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but living a lie is the worst feeling in the world.
