Posts by Super

14

So why do I feel like a hypocrite??

by Super_Becka in

ok, so i've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my jw boyfriend, and while i haven't made any final decisions regarding what i'm going to do just yet, i can't help but feel like a hypocrite, and i feel terrible about it.. jws are so intolerant, they can't accept others who are different than they are, they try to force their beliefs and rules on others, they judge others based on wts standards and such, so how does it make me any different to judge him on his beliefs??

i never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else - i grew up being taught that everyone is different, that doesn't make them bad and that we shouldn't judge others because they're different, my mother's favourite saying is "to each his own" and i follow that myself - so why am i considering breaking up with my boyfriend because his beliefs are different from mine??

i'm trying to decide whether or not to break up with him - it's not an easy decision, he's a great person and he treats me very well - but i can't help but feel like i'm no better than an intolerant jw, judging him based on his religion.

Super_Becka

Well, I definitely don't think that my boyfriend is a "bad person" or an idiot by any stretch of the imagination, and I wouldn't see him as either of those just because he's a JW. I knew he was a JW before I started dating him - if I thought that being a JW would automatically make him a bad or stupid person, or both, I would've stayed away from him. But I just don't have any prejudices or intolerance for people with different beliefs or cultures or ethnicities or anything, I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to those things, so I didn't run for the hills when he told me that he's a JW, I just saw it as something that's made him the man he is now, just like my beliefs have made me the person that I am today.

So no, I don't see him like that, I never have, I just see him as a misled young man who is very intolerant of other religions because a bunch of old men in an office in Brooklyn have taught him intolerance. He's not even an active member - he can't remember the last time he went to a meeting, he hasn't gone out in field service in 20 years and he's definitely not opposed to being associated with non-JWs - and he has no trouble partaking in many of the things that the WTS forbids (see my other topic on dating a JW for some of these) and the same thing goes for his family, but he still harbours this intense intolerance of other beliefs. He told me very recently in a phone call, "Sorry babe, I hate Christmas and I always will", and when I've asked him why he hates the celebrations that make so many people happy, his response tends to be, "Because I'm supposed to, it's against my religion". That's what I can't understand, he hates things because "he's supposed to". For me, that's like saying that black people are bad because your parents told you they are (don't take that as a racial slur, please, I am not a racist in any way, shape or form, I have no prejudices). I've heard of kids adopting the prejudices of the adults around them, but this is ridiculous. Once you grow older, you should be able to sort these things out for yourself and make up your own mind, but he's never done that, he just accepts the teachings at face-value.

So now I'm here, completely and utterly in love with this man (yes, I know I'm young, but I believe that I'm in love with him) and my heart is breaking over this situation. I'm not sure what hurts more, knowing that he's so intolerant without a good reason or thinking about what it would be like without him...

14

So why do I feel like a hypocrite??

by Super_Becka in

ok, so i've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my jw boyfriend, and while i haven't made any final decisions regarding what i'm going to do just yet, i can't help but feel like a hypocrite, and i feel terrible about it.. jws are so intolerant, they can't accept others who are different than they are, they try to force their beliefs and rules on others, they judge others based on wts standards and such, so how does it make me any different to judge him on his beliefs??

i never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else - i grew up being taught that everyone is different, that doesn't make them bad and that we shouldn't judge others because they're different, my mother's favourite saying is "to each his own" and i follow that myself - so why am i considering breaking up with my boyfriend because his beliefs are different from mine??

i'm trying to decide whether or not to break up with him - it's not an easy decision, he's a great person and he treats me very well - but i can't help but feel like i'm no better than an intolerant jw, judging him based on his religion.

Super_Becka

Well, yes, it's his intolerance, inflexibility and refusal to acknowledge and discuss my different beliefs that are really bothering me, but these traits all come from his faith. He grew up being told that his faith is the only faith and he's been taught to behave like this because of his faith, and that's what bothers me. Maybe it's just because I can't imagine being so intolerant about another set of beliefs - I understand that he doesn't believe the same things that I do and that he'll probably never change, and that's fine with me, the only way for me to find someone with the exact same basic beliefs that I have would be for me to date someone from my church back home and I know I'll never find anyone there, I just wish that he'd be willing to at least consider that other people believe different things and that they have different rituals and celebrations that coincide with their belief systems.

He realizes that I don't believe what he does, but he refuses to talk about it, he refuses to acknowledge that I think that my celebrations are right and he doesn't want to have anything to do with them at all. He tells me that he loves me and that he loves everything about me, but he just completely blocks out this huge part of my life - I celebrate anything and everything, but he ignores that fact. I, on the other hand, am curious to know more about what he believes, even if I don't ever want to be a member of his Society, and if he did have something to celebrate, I'd be more than willing to participate in his celebrations, even if it was just to satisfy my own curiosity and make him happy. He tells me that he wants me to be happy, but he refuses to have anything to do with my special occasions, even if he is an inactive JW.

He's free to believe whatever he wants to, but I think that in a relationship, there has to be compromise, and he refuses to even talk about compromising, much less actually doing something about it, and it's because of his beliefs. And so I can't help but think that I'm judging him based on the beliefs that he's been taught, because that's where his behaviour comes from. I'm sure that if he wasn't a JW, he wouldn't be nearly as intolerant about these things as he is. He's patient about so many things - like dealing with a long-distance relationship with a younger girl, listening to me rant when I'm having a bad day or just talk endlessly about anything and everything, and even trying to teach me how to drive a car with a manual transmission - but he's so impatient and intolerant about my celebrations. I just don't get it. And I can't even tell him how much it hurts me that he thinks like this because he won't let me talk about anything related to my holidays.

I feel so horrible about feeling this way towards him, judging him because of this, but I can't help it. My celebrations are a huge part of my life and it hurts me that he refuses to have anything to do with them, right down to even talking about them and sharing my happiness about them even though he doesn't practice them, and I find myself blaming it on his faith. So now, I feel like I'm discriminating against his faith for teaching him to be like this, and I even find myself resenting the WTS for making my sweet guy behave like this. I can't help but feel like a horrible person for thinking this way, but I do anyway. The teachings of the WTS have made him like this and it's breaking my heart.

14

So why do I feel like a hypocrite??

by Super_Becka in

ok, so i've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my jw boyfriend, and while i haven't made any final decisions regarding what i'm going to do just yet, i can't help but feel like a hypocrite, and i feel terrible about it.. jws are so intolerant, they can't accept others who are different than they are, they try to force their beliefs and rules on others, they judge others based on wts standards and such, so how does it make me any different to judge him on his beliefs??

i never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else - i grew up being taught that everyone is different, that doesn't make them bad and that we shouldn't judge others because they're different, my mother's favourite saying is "to each his own" and i follow that myself - so why am i considering breaking up with my boyfriend because his beliefs are different from mine??

i'm trying to decide whether or not to break up with him - it's not an easy decision, he's a great person and he treats me very well - but i can't help but feel like i'm no better than an intolerant jw, judging him based on his religion.

Super_Becka

OK, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my JW boyfriend, and while I haven't made any final decisions regarding what I'm going to do just yet, I can't help but feel like a hypocrite, and I feel terrible about it.

JWs are so intolerant, they can't accept others who are different than they are, they try to force their beliefs and rules on others, they judge others based on WTS standards and such, so how does it make me any different to judge him on his beliefs?? I never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else - I grew up being taught that everyone is different, that doesn't make them bad and that we shouldn't judge others because they're different, my mother's favourite saying is "To each his own" and I follow that myself - so why am I considering breaking up with my boyfriend because his beliefs are different from mine?? I'm trying to decide whether or not to break up with him - it's not an easy decision, he's a great person and he treats me very well - but I can't help but feel like I'm no better than an intolerant JW, judging him based on his religion. I feel like I'm trying to decide whether or not he's good enough for me because his faith is different than mine.

I have a huge guilt complex, I always feel bad when I think that something I'm doing isn't fair to someone else or is hurting them (and no, I'm not a Catholic, but with all the guilt I feel, sometimes I think I should be!!), and I know that if I break up with him over this, it's going to break his heart (as well as my own), and I feel terrible for thinking like this. I know I shouldn't judge others for being different than I am. I try to live my life by the Golden Rule - do onto others as you would like them to do onto you - I hate doing things to other people that I wouldn't want them to do to me, and I know that I'd be devastated if someone I loved deeply cut off contact with me because of my faith, so why should I do it to my boyfriend, especially when I love him so much??

How can I say that it's OK for me to judge him based on his faith and practices when, in the same breath, I'm saying that it's wrong for him to be so intolerant of my faith?? Isn't it wrong for me to judge him on his religion when I think it's wrong for him to judge others on their religion?? Doesn't it make me a hypocrite to treat him like that?? Does this make any sense to anyone?? Or am I being completely irrational in the way that I feel?? Please give me some advice!!

Why, oh why, did I get myself into this??

5

Question about Christmas

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm fairly new here and to the whole mess that is the realm of jws and the wts, introduced to this odd world because i'm dating an inactive jw (that's a whole other ball of wax, check out my other topic on this - http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/101985/1.ashx), but i've been doing some research and there's one question that's been really bugging me.. jws don't celebrate christmas, i think we all get that.

they say that christmas is pagan and therefore satanic and all of that, so they've banned the celebration of christmas (among other christian holidays).

i figured that it had been like this since the beginning of the wts back in the 1870s, but i've found references to articles published in the watchtower magazines in the early part of the 20th century that state that christmas is a good time of year, that giving and charity and all of these things that come with the christmas season are good and that celebrating christmas is a good thing.

Super_Becka

Hello everyone,

OK, I'm fairly new here and to the whole mess that is the realm of JWs and the WTS, introduced to this odd world because I'm dating an inactive JW (that's a whole other ball of wax, check out my other topic on this - http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/101985/1.ashx), but I've been doing some research and there's one question that's been really bugging me.

JWs don't celebrate Christmas, I think we all get that. They say that Christmas is pagan and therefore Satanic and all of that, so they've banned the celebration of Christmas (among other Christian holidays). I figured that it had been like this since the beginning of the WTS back in the 1870s, but I've found references to articles published in the Watchtower magazines in the early part of the 20th century that state that Christmas is a good time of year, that giving and charity and all of these things that come with the Christmas season are good and that celebrating Christmas is a good thing. I don't have the URLs for my sources at the moment, I have them bookmarked on my computer, so I'll have to dig them out, but when I find the right links, I'll update this post with them. In the meantime, one reference to the Watchtower magazine that I've found states that:

"Judge Rutherford, the Watchtower president at the time, was very excited about his "numerous Christmas presents " " (Watchtower - Jan. 15, 1919, P. 31) - http://www.letusreason.org/JW10.htm

My question is, who decided that Christmas is evil, why did they decide this and when did the WTS renounce Christmas?? Is there anyone out there who can at least partly answer these questions or maybe steer me in the direction of some answers??

Thanks!!

-Becka :)

58

Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm new here, so please be gentle.

maybe the advice i need is somewhere else in this forum, but i really don't want to have to search for it, i really need some advice now and i don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here.

so please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what i want to hear.

Super_Becka

Ahh, I can see exactly where jgnat is coming from when she says that JW guys do have qualities that are very attractive, and I definitely agree. While his intolerance is very unsettling for me right now, my JW boyfriend does have many many qualities that set him apart from the run-of-the-mill barfly. That's why I ended up getting involved with my boyfriend - I knew he was a JW before we started dating, but he has so many redeeming qualities.

He's just so sweet and caring and sensitive and pstient, he's very attentive and he does so many things to make me smile, and he seems to take great pleasure in making me happy (present holiday situation notwithstanding). He has a great sense of humour, he's quiet and gentle, he's not a party animal like most guys I know (I'm not a party animal, either, I'm very quiet and private, so that's a great quality for him to have), and he just knows how to make me feel special. We're in contact every single day and we have a long phone call once a week (between the time difference and his job and my school schedule, we don't have many times when we're both free to talk on the phone), but sometimes, he just gives me a quick call to say hi and tell me that he loves me, just out of the blue, to brighten my day, and he always sends me short emails from work, no matter how busy he is, just because he knows I like it. And when I went to visit him over the summer, he picked me up at the airport with a box of chocolate truffles (I'm a diehard chocoholic), a single red rose (cliched, but still my favourite flower) and a big history book (I'm a history major in university, I love history books), not to mention the fact that he's the one that put up the cash for the plane tickets - $1000 (American) just so I could come to visit him for a while. He knows what I like, he knows how to make a girl feel special, even if he is completely and utterly inexperienced in dating, he makes me feel worthwhile, like I'm important to someone. With the exception of the current issues I have with him because of my love of holidays, he's everything I'm looking for in a guy, he really is. Sweet, caring, quiet, sensitive, patient, attentive, funny, gentle, everything I thought would make a perfect guy. I guess it kinda figures that there has to be a monkeywrench in there somewhere - I think there's a natural law out there somewhere that keeps me from having a real fairytale relationship, so I get a guy that seems so great, but happens to be a Witness.

So that's the reason I'd like to see if this relationship will work, if I can still salvage it, because even if he is a Witness and he's very intolerant about certain things that bring me so much joy and happiness, like Christmas, he is a very sweet person and we have so many things in common. I know that these things don't always work out, and when they do, it's still difficult, but he really is a good person that I really care about, he just has a lot of issues because of the WTS's teachings.

Anyone else out there have stories about the good qualities of JWs, outside of their beliefs?? I know that most stories tend to be negative, but surely someone else out there has had some good experiences...?? And of course, negative stories are still welcome, I'm open to hearing all sides of this issue!!

And thanks again, everyone, for all of your advice and suggestions and stories, I really appreciate it, this is just what I need right now!! I'm so glad that I've found a place where people understand my situation and are so supportive. Keep the posts coming!!

-Becka :)

58

Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm new here, so please be gentle.

maybe the advice i need is somewhere else in this forum, but i really don't want to have to search for it, i really need some advice now and i don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here.

so please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what i want to hear.

Super_Becka

It's so great to get lots of different viewpoints here, and I'm taking everything that I'm reading here into consideration, this is bringing up a lot of good concepts for me to look into. I've been looking into certain things on my own up until now, and with all of these replies, I have more things to look into. :)

Some notes on his family and such:

- I have met his parents and three of his siblings (the fourth lives far away, so I have yet to meet her, but she is very interested in meeting me), and from what I could see and what my boyfriend has told me, they seem to like me. I was nervous about meeting them because I knew that they're all JWs and I was sure that they wouldn't accept me, but they were very pleasant, very welcoming, and they seemed to genuinely like me. Even in conversation, when I mentioned things like going home for the holidays in December (yes, I did mention Christmas) and things like that as I was asked about school and my life at home, they just rolled with it, they didn't try to avoid any mention of my celebrations. His mother even made a point to ask me when my birthday is, which really caught me off-guard, it wasn't something I expected. I felt like I was chatting with a regular, non-JW family, there was no evidence whatsoever that they're Witnesses, I'm not even sure that they're active members. My boyfriend has told me that he hasn't been out in service in 20 years, so I can only imagine that his family is the same way, given how close they are.

- Not only do his parents seem to approve of me, they've asked him when he plans to propose. I've warned him against proposal - I'm way too young and way too busy with my education to ever consider getting married yet and I'm very clear on that - but apparently his family is all up for it. On one hand, that makes me feel like I've been accepted by his family, even though they know that I'm not a Witness, but on the other hand, it concerns me because I know that JWs date only to marry, they tend to marry young and they marry right away (his mother married his father when she was 17). My question is, shouldn't they be more concerned about him potentially marrying a "worldly" girl?? His sister married two "worldly" men (she's currently married to her second husband) and that doesn't seem to have caused any trouble, but I do know that both of her husbands gave up their holidays for her, though I don't know if they did it voluntarily or because it was required.

- Things like premarital sex doesn't seem to be an issue in his family - he has a sister who has two children out of wedlock (from two different men, no less), but she is not only still a part of his family, she visits her parents weekly and her children spend a lot of time with her parents. I get the feeling that his family is tight enough to stick together. After all, doesn't WTS doctrine state that premarital sex is grounds for shunning?? If having two children outside of marriage by two different men isn't evidence of that, then I don't know what is, and they haven't shunned his sister, they still welcome her into their home, she is still a loved member of their family.

- Also, his father went to prison in the 1970s because he refused to go to Vietnam based on his beliefs - JWs aren't permitted to go to war, so he went to jail for his beliefs. But two of his brothers are actively involved in karate lessons, something else which is forbidden in the WTS - JWs aren't permitted to learn self-defence, they're anti-violence. It seems to me that my boyfriend's whole family, at least his immediate family (parents, siblings), all actively pick and choose which parts of WTS doctrine to follow and which to conveniently ignore.

I know it sounds like I'm trying to defend everything that he does, but that's not it, I just want to put everything out there to see where all of this stands and what it could mean. I know I'm naive, but I still think that this relationship might have a chance, so I want to cover all of my bases before I put some effort into making this work out. I can be objective about this, I'm not conveniently ignoring anything that I don't particularly like, but I still think that there might be a shred of hope that I can help him choose me over the WTS. I want to make sure that you guys out there are seeing all the sides of this that I see, just so you can evaluate it like it is. If there's anything else you'd like to know before you give some advice, feel free to ask!!

Thanks everyone!! Keep it coming!!

-Becka :)

58

Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm new here, so please be gentle.

maybe the advice i need is somewhere else in this forum, but i really don't want to have to search for it, i really need some advice now and i don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here.

so please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what i want to hear.

Super_Becka

Hi everyone,

OK, I have another question for all of you, if you don't mind. I've said before that I'm not quite ready to just let this relationship go to Hell (heh, which is funny metaphor given that JWs don't even believe in Hell), so now I'd like to read some critical, objective sources on the WTS, something that isn't too biased or subjective, and then I'd like to ask my boyfriend to read them, too. I've been researching on my own, without telling my boyfriend about it (I don't want to offend him, I just want to be informed and know what I'm getting myself into), but I could really use some help in locating good, reliable, objective sources.

Any suggestions for good reading materials, books or websites or whatever, that don't sound too much like anti-JW propaganda (because I know that's what he'll see it as if it's too blatantly anti-WTS)?? I'd like to look into getting my hands on something that will point out the flaws and lies and doublethink of the WTS that I can read and then share with my boyfriend without being too offensive toward him - I know if I push something really biased on him, he'll get offended and he'll never give it a chance.

Again, everyone, thanks so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or ask me anything that might clarify the situation and where I stand here, I'm pretty honest, I'll answer anything. Keep the posts coming!!

-Becka :)

58

Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm new here, so please be gentle.

maybe the advice i need is somewhere else in this forum, but i really don't want to have to search for it, i really need some advice now and i don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here.

so please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what i want to hear.

Super_Becka

Wow, you guys are really great, I just posted here a couple of hours ago and already, there are lots of replies with advice for me. :) I'm so glad that there are people out there to listen and understand my situation and give me some tips.

Before I head off to bed for the night (it's late and I have class in the morning, I'm in university), I figured I'd give you guys a few more tidbits about me and my relationship based on some of the questions brought up by some posters here:

- About blood transfusions: I'm a blood donor, I carry a blood donor card, and I'm a card-carrying organ donor, and my boyfriend is very much so aware of this and he has no problems with it at all. He doesn't believe in it, but he's never discouraged me from these activities - I have attended a blood donor clinic since we've been together, and he didn't try to talk me out of it, all he said was, "Make sure you eat something good first and don't do anything strenuous after."

- About the possibility of what would happen if we married and had children: that's something we haven't talked about yet, we've only been together for 6 months and I'm not ready to talk about marriage and kids yet, I am still in university and I have a lot to do with my life before I settle down and start a family, so it's not an issue just yet. If it becomes an issue, I'm very adamant about what I want for my children - they will have all the things I had as a child, like Christmas and Easter and Halloween and birthdays and everything else, and I will not prevent them from receiving blood if they need it, nor will I be refusing blood. And like I said before, I'm stubborn, I won't go back on my beliefs.

- Pagan beliefs: thanks for the tips, I've tried broaching the "pagan origins" question, and the concept of anniversaries (let's face it, birthdays are just anniversaries, and so is every other yearly celebration), and I even mentioned to him when we were talking last night that wedding rings have very clear pagan origins, and he didn't even know that, I think he was surprised. I'll take note of the other things posted here and slip them into conversation sometimes, just to see what he has to say about them. I'll definitely have to do some more research on some "pagan" practices that JWs partake in (like the fact that the calendar everyone uses has pagan/pre-Christian roots), so any and all tips are welcome!!

- Heh, something I thought you might find amusing is the fact that my boyfriend apologizes for being a "weird Witness" all the time, I'm not kidding. He knows that my family and I aren't comfortable with the idea of him being a JW, and he says he's sorry for it on a regular basis. When I told him that I'd told my grandmother about his beliefs (that was hard, my grandmother is a very devout Anglican), he asked me to apologize to her for his being a Witness because he was afraid that she wouldn't like him anymore. Does this seem a little strange to you??

Again, thanks to everyone here for all of your help, I really need this. :) It's so good to have the support of other people in the same situation or who know more about this than I do, I appreciate all of your posts and concern. Keep the posts coming!!

-Becka :)

58

Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm new here, so please be gentle.

maybe the advice i need is somewhere else in this forum, but i really don't want to have to search for it, i really need some advice now and i don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here.

so please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what i want to hear.

Super_Becka

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the warm welcome, I really needed it. :) This is a very stressful subject for me and I really need some advice, and it's so good to know that there are lots of people out there with advice and words of wisdom for me, I really appreciate all of your help. Keep it coming!!

Before I say anything else, I want to apologize for my really long post, I just had a lot to get out and I tend to be a little long-winded sometimes. *blush* I want to make sure you guys can see the different aspects of my situation so that you can give the best advice you can. :)

Just another couple of things about my relationship with my JW boyfriend, to keep things nice and clear:

- While he won't talk about sharing or at least tolerating my holiday celebrations, he doesn't shy away from discussions about religion in general. We swap stories about our faiths, what we believe, and things like that. I've told him about my church services and he's told me about his meetings at KH. We've had a few debates on what we believe - like my devotion to the Apostle's Creed and his Society's way of using the Bible to back up their beliefs - and none of our debates have ended badly... yet. But of course, he doesn't question anything that the WTS has told him, so that's a major concern.

- When it comes to church-going, I'm not avid by any means, I go occasionally, and I always go for special occasions like Christmas and Easter, and he says that he rarely goes to KH, maybe once a year, if that, and when we were chatting one night and religion came up, he said that he was interested in going to a church service with me in my town and so I said that I would go to a meeting with him (don't worry, I'm not converting, I just want to see what the WTS tells these people). I know that he can get kicked out of the WTS for attending a church service with me, but he doesn't seem concerned at all.

I know that my best bet is to just run from this whole mess while I still can and find myself a good, non-JW boyfriend - believe me, a part of me has been telling me to do that for a while - but I'm gonna sit it out for a while, see what happens. We're not engaged, we're not getting married, we're not living together yet, it's not too late for me to get out of this, so for now, I just want to see how things unfold. This will be our first Christmas as a couple, and I'm not hiding how festive I am and how much I love the holidays, so I want to see how he handles everything as I enjoy my holidays. I'm a very stubborn, determined person, I want to give this a chance before I call it quits, and if I get burned in the end, and I probably will, it'll be my own fault and at least I'll have learned something.

Again, thanks everyone for the support, I really need this now. I'll definitely be sticking around this forum, see what I can find out and learn, and I'll be sure to keep everyone posted on how things work out for me. Thanks for listening, everyone!! Keep the advice coming!!

-Becka :)

58

Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!

by Super_Becka in

ok, i'm new here, so please be gentle.

maybe the advice i need is somewhere else in this forum, but i really don't want to have to search for it, i really need some advice now and i don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here.

so please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what i want to hear.

Super_Becka

Hi everyone,

OK, I'm new here, so please be gentle. Maybe the advice I need is somewhere else in this forum, but I really don't want to have to search for it, I really need some advice now and I don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here. So please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what I want to hear. I don't want you to be soft on me, I want the truth, I want the facts, I want stories from your own experiences and I want some tips on where I can find more information about this.

Here's my situation in a nutshell - I'm dating a non-practicing JW. We met each other on the Internet (I know how cliched that sounds, but sometimes it works!!) and we really hit it off. I was in the process of a bad breakup (my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with my roommate, who was a very good friend of mine) and he was very caring and supportive, and it just went from there. We have a lot of things in common, we like a lot of the same things, we talk a lot, we're not too shy around each other, it's just perfect. It's a long-distance relationship (and I mean really long distance - he lives on the west coast, I live on the east coast, there are 3500 miles between us!!), but we're making it work out. And yes, we have met each other, I've visited him and he's visited me and we've met each other's family and such, and he's coming to visit me in January, and we have plans to live together for the summer.

But as perfect as all of this feels to me, there's trouble in paradise. I knew before we started dating that he was a Witness and I probably should have just cut it off there, I should have stayed away from dating him and just stayed friends with him, but of course, I'm young and naive (I'm 20 years old, and for future reference, he's 28), and he seemed so perfect except for his status as a Witness, and I fell head-over-heels for him. And as it happens, he fell hard for me, too. I'm actually his first girlfriend, which now seems to be a result of him being a Witness - I mean really, who wants to date a Witness when there are other guys out there who will observe things like holidays and birthdays?? (I hate to say that, but it's true - it's easier to date someone who has some of the same beliefs as you.) He didn't hesitate to tell me that he loved me, he told me within a week of meeting me (we'd been talking for months before that), and after spending some time with him, I told him that I love him, too, and I do, I love him with all my heart. It's been pretty great overall, we're very much so in love with each other, we talk all the time, he treats me very well and makes me feel really good, and he doesn't mind that I have a lot of insecurities. He's told me many times that he intends to make me happy for the rest of my life, he's sure that he wants to marry me someday, even if we've only been dating for about 6 months now.

The problem - our difference in faith. (Isn't that always the problem here??) I'm Anglican (Church of England, which is Protestant), but I'm by no means devout. I have my faith and my beliefs and I'm very comfortable with that, I don't need to attend church services every week to be comfortable in my faith. And as an Anglican (my whole family is Anglican, both my mom's side and my dad's side), I've always observed all of the year's holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and lesser things like Halloween, Valentine's Day, Remembrance Day (I'm Canadian, I think that day is called Veteran's Day in the US), birthdays, anniversaries, everything, and I'm very festive about all of it. Everyone in my family thoroughly enjoys celebrating all of these occasions and so do I, and Christmas in particular is huge here. I live in an area that is very Catholic/Protestant and not much else, so all Christian holidays are big events, and I love it that way. He, on the other hand, grew up as a Witness, his parents and siblings and at least some of his grandparents are Witnesses, and therefore he doesn't observe any of these events. He's not a devout Witness, he hasn't been baptized, he doesn't attend meetings very often, nothing like that, but of course, he grew up with the Watchtower Society's beliefs, and so he still has them, they're ingrained in him.

And this makes him very intolerant of my celebrations. He's a very patient person - I had a hard time getting over my ex-boyfriend because of the terms on which we parted ways, but he was always supportive of me, and he always supports me when I'm upset about the littlest things, he's always there for me - but with the Christmas season coming up, I can see how intolerant he really is. I love Christmas, I love celebrating, I love giving gifts, I love seeing my family and friends, it's a very happy season for me and I always look forward to it, but this is our first Christmas as a couple and he's really a killjoy about it. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want me to talk about it, he doesn't want to participate in any way, shape or form, he won't let me send him a gift, etc. I can see where a lot of this comes from, it's a part of his faith, but he won't even discuss it with me, not even a little.

And to make it worse, he's a total hypocrite when it comes to following his faith. When I asked him why he doesn't like Christmas and all of that, he promptly said "I'm supposed to, it's against my religion", but he's still perfectly fine with things like living with me before marriage and having sex before marriage (we haven't slept together yet, but he talks about it a lot, he really wants to have sex with me) and yes, even masturbation, all of which go against Watchtower doctrine and could be grounds for having him kicked out of the Society. It's like he's picking and choosing what parts of Watchtower doctrine he wants to follow and what parts he doesn't want to follow. And when it comes to hating Christmas (and he actually said that he hates it - "I hate Christmas and I always will"), he does because the Watchtower told him to, not for any specific reason, just because he was told to hate Christmas.

I'm so hurt right now, I just don't know what to do. I've been researching the WTS and trying to learn all I can about it and their beliefs, and I do firmly believe that it's a cult, but I don't know what to do about my situation. I love my boyfriend, I really do, and I can't imagine breaking it off with him over religion, but I also can't imagine giving up my holidays for him, not when they're so important to me and my family. He's never mentioned converting to me, he's never asked me to give up anything, but he refuses to share any of my occasions with me and tells me that if we stay together, I'll have to go home to my parents' places for the holidays every year because he doesn't want anything to do with them. The thing is, I can't imagine staying with someone who flat out refuses to at least tolerate my celebrations. I consider myself a tolerant person and if he had special occasions to celebrate that I don't - like Hanukkah for Jews or Ramadan for Muslims - I'd be more that willing to observe his occasions with him and I'd want him to observe mine with me, I don't see any trouble with that. I'm open to trying new things, experiencing new faiths, but I don't want to give up my own, I can't give up the things that have meant so much to me for so long. He's so closed-minded about religion, he's not curious about any other faith, he doesn't want any part of any other faith, he doesn't want to tolerate any other faith, and it's really hurting me, especially because he won't talk about it.

Can you please give me some advice on what to do with my situation?? I need to know what I can do, what I can say, how I can talk to him, where I can look for more resources on the WTS and how to counter their arguments, I just need help. Please post some replies here or send me a private message. All help is appreciated!!

Thanks everyone!!

-Becka :)

Super_Becka

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