Hi everyone,
OK, I'm new here, so please be gentle. Maybe the advice I need is somewhere else in this forum, but I really don't want to have to search for it, I really need some advice now and I don't have the time to sift through all of the other entries here. So please bear with me and share any and all advice you have, even if you think it's not what I want to hear. I don't want you to be soft on me, I want the truth, I want the facts, I want stories from your own experiences and I want some tips on where I can find more information about this.
Here's my situation in a nutshell - I'm dating a non-practicing JW. We met each other on the Internet (I know how cliched that sounds, but sometimes it works!!) and we really hit it off. I was in the process of a bad breakup (my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with my roommate, who was a very good friend of mine) and he was very caring and supportive, and it just went from there. We have a lot of things in common, we like a lot of the same things, we talk a lot, we're not too shy around each other, it's just perfect. It's a long-distance relationship (and I mean really long distance - he lives on the west coast, I live on the east coast, there are 3500 miles between us!!), but we're making it work out. And yes, we have met each other, I've visited him and he's visited me and we've met each other's family and such, and he's coming to visit me in January, and we have plans to live together for the summer.
But as perfect as all of this feels to me, there's trouble in paradise. I knew before we started dating that he was a Witness and I probably should have just cut it off there, I should have stayed away from dating him and just stayed friends with him, but of course, I'm young and naive (I'm 20 years old, and for future reference, he's 28), and he seemed so perfect except for his status as a Witness, and I fell head-over-heels for him. And as it happens, he fell hard for me, too. I'm actually his first girlfriend, which now seems to be a result of him being a Witness - I mean really, who wants to date a Witness when there are other guys out there who will observe things like holidays and birthdays?? (I hate to say that, but it's true - it's easier to date someone who has some of the same beliefs as you.) He didn't hesitate to tell me that he loved me, he told me within a week of meeting me (we'd been talking for months before that), and after spending some time with him, I told him that I love him, too, and I do, I love him with all my heart. It's been pretty great overall, we're very much so in love with each other, we talk all the time, he treats me very well and makes me feel really good, and he doesn't mind that I have a lot of insecurities. He's told me many times that he intends to make me happy for the rest of my life, he's sure that he wants to marry me someday, even if we've only been dating for about 6 months now.
The problem - our difference in faith. (Isn't that always the problem here??) I'm Anglican (Church of England, which is Protestant), but I'm by no means devout. I have my faith and my beliefs and I'm very comfortable with that, I don't need to attend church services every week to be comfortable in my faith. And as an Anglican (my whole family is Anglican, both my mom's side and my dad's side), I've always observed all of the year's holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and lesser things like Halloween, Valentine's Day, Remembrance Day (I'm Canadian, I think that day is called Veteran's Day in the US), birthdays, anniversaries, everything, and I'm very festive about all of it. Everyone in my family thoroughly enjoys celebrating all of these occasions and so do I, and Christmas in particular is huge here. I live in an area that is very Catholic/Protestant and not much else, so all Christian holidays are big events, and I love it that way. He, on the other hand, grew up as a Witness, his parents and siblings and at least some of his grandparents are Witnesses, and therefore he doesn't observe any of these events. He's not a devout Witness, he hasn't been baptized, he doesn't attend meetings very often, nothing like that, but of course, he grew up with the Watchtower Society's beliefs, and so he still has them, they're ingrained in him.
And this makes him very intolerant of my celebrations. He's a very patient person - I had a hard time getting over my ex-boyfriend because of the terms on which we parted ways, but he was always supportive of me, and he always supports me when I'm upset about the littlest things, he's always there for me - but with the Christmas season coming up, I can see how intolerant he really is. I love Christmas, I love celebrating, I love giving gifts, I love seeing my family and friends, it's a very happy season for me and I always look forward to it, but this is our first Christmas as a couple and he's really a killjoy about it. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want me to talk about it, he doesn't want to participate in any way, shape or form, he won't let me send him a gift, etc. I can see where a lot of this comes from, it's a part of his faith, but he won't even discuss it with me, not even a little.
And to make it worse, he's a total hypocrite when it comes to following his faith. When I asked him why he doesn't like Christmas and all of that, he promptly said "I'm supposed to, it's against my religion", but he's still perfectly fine with things like living with me before marriage and having sex before marriage (we haven't slept together yet, but he talks about it a lot, he really wants to have sex with me) and yes, even masturbation, all of which go against Watchtower doctrine and could be grounds for having him kicked out of the Society. It's like he's picking and choosing what parts of Watchtower doctrine he wants to follow and what parts he doesn't want to follow. And when it comes to hating Christmas (and he actually said that he hates it - "I hate Christmas and I always will"), he does because the Watchtower told him to, not for any specific reason, just because he was told to hate Christmas.
I'm so hurt right now, I just don't know what to do. I've been researching the WTS and trying to learn all I can about it and their beliefs, and I do firmly believe that it's a cult, but I don't know what to do about my situation. I love my boyfriend, I really do, and I can't imagine breaking it off with him over religion, but I also can't imagine giving up my holidays for him, not when they're so important to me and my family. He's never mentioned converting to me, he's never asked me to give up anything, but he refuses to share any of my occasions with me and tells me that if we stay together, I'll have to go home to my parents' places for the holidays every year because he doesn't want anything to do with them. The thing is, I can't imagine staying with someone who flat out refuses to at least tolerate my celebrations. I consider myself a tolerant person and if he had special occasions to celebrate that I don't - like Hanukkah for Jews or Ramadan for Muslims - I'd be more that willing to observe his occasions with him and I'd want him to observe mine with me, I don't see any trouble with that. I'm open to trying new things, experiencing new faiths, but I don't want to give up my own, I can't give up the things that have meant so much to me for so long. He's so closed-minded about religion, he's not curious about any other faith, he doesn't want any part of any other faith, he doesn't want to tolerate any other faith, and it's really hurting me, especially because he won't talk about it.
Can you please give me some advice on what to do with my situation?? I need to know what I can do, what I can say, how I can talk to him, where I can look for more resources on the WTS and how to counter their arguments, I just need help. Please post some replies here or send me a private message. All help is appreciated!!
Thanks everyone!!
-Becka :)
Please help me, I need advice on dating a JW!!
by Super_Becka 58 Replies latest social relationships
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Super_Becka
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Legolas
Run as fast as you can...AWAY from him!
Welcome to the board!
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95stormfront
I'm sorry, but, as long as I've been a participant on this board I've seen literally hundreds of people come here in the same situation as you, so please forgive me when I say that my eyes just glazed over the last couple of paragraphs of your premiere post. They all pretty much read the same way.
That being said, If I were you, I'd take the advice of what would likely be furthers posts urging you to drop that "chicken dinner" and run for your very life. And, if you turn around, thinking he's behind you.....run some more. Unless this person can see how twisted this cult he believes so much in is, the heartache this person will put you through, the attempts to undermine and set you apart from your family will be more you can probably bear. His intolerance and lack of respect for your faith will only grow s your relationship progresses and you'll constantly have the "third wheel" of the WT organization in your life, in your bed, everywhere you go if you continue to stay with him.
Run away....as fast as you can !!!!!!
Find someone who'll love you as you are and not someone who'll constantly try to force you into the WT box as a condition of their love for you.
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carla
I can't agree with Legolas more!
RUN! if you need info just look for anythreads with the words ubm (unbelieving mate) in them. You are setting yourself up for much heartache.
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DanTheMan
Break it off. Just do it. Swallow that bitter pill.
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bisous
this link just about sums up the best of what JWD forum has to offer on this topic:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx edited to fix link ~ Scully -
Double Edge
I've never been a JW, but I've been on this board long enough and have read similiar stories such as yours to know that the "RUN" advice is given with a lot of experience behind it. I just chimned in to tell you to stick around for a couple of days...as people log on with similar backgrounds, you'll be getting first-hand experience relayed to you.
WELCOME !
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Lady Lee
The link posted above is a great resource of information. Here is the link again
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx
And we have a wonderful group of people who are ready and willing to give you all the info and support you need.
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chachasmum
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
Welcome
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jgnat
Hi, I am a non-JW regular Christian married to an active JW.
You are getting a taste of what it will be like the rest of your time with him. Hypocricy is no big deal with JW's, they pretty well HAVE to be they have so many darn rules. To live the way they do, they often they pick and choose what to follow based on their own preference, and as long as nobody CATCHES them at the other stuff, everything is OK. Probably the biggest fights my hubby and I have are over the Christmas season. What used to be a source of joy, warmth, and family has become a battleground. I hate that I hate this time of year now. Think long and hard if you want to give up this rich source of joy in your life.
I'll share a small story to illustrate. When I was dating my future husband, I witnessed him go in to a thermostat war with his dad. Dad would turn up the heat (old and frail, he had trouble staying warm). My future husband would sneak back and turn the thermostat back down (he's hairy as a bear and always hot). This would go on and on. Watching this, I thought, "If the temperature is a big deal for me, I better break it off now, because on THIS THING, he's NEVER GONNA CHANGE." I was right. Now, many years later, my daughter came to stay with us for a while. One day she came up to me confidentially and asked, "Do you think we could turn up the heat just a little bit?" I answered, "Put on a sweater." I know when I am beat before I start.
I need to know what I can do
Figure out if you can life with the man the way he is now. He is an inactive JW who has never seriously doubted or examined his beliefs. He could decide to become more involved at any moment. He will hold you responsible to follow his beliefs, all depending on what HE considers important (even though his organization admonishes him to be patient and accommodating to the "Unbelieving Mate" (UBM).
what I can say, how I can talk to him
Well, he has to start talking if you have any hope. You might tell him if you CAN'T negotiate Christmas, it is over. You need someone you can TALK this stuff through. This is where my JW partner is heads above yours in intimacy and communication. We talk through ALL OUR DIFFERENCES.
where I can look for more resources on the WTS and how to counter their arguments, I just need help.
You counter arguments with a person who you are committed to who might be open to listening. Find out this first. So far, thank goodness, you two have not made that final vow to each other.
By the way, no matter how devout you are in your own faith, JW's will ALWAYS consider you an "Unbelieving Mate".